h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

mainly down. which is so so so so unfair on William was up earlier though... but... then...
no idea. just... so far down. and, I'm not convinced its really anything to do with my current slight ailment (which I'm sure has long ago vacated this most peculiar of places for it to inhabit, visa my body). just... everything from ever, forever, all at once in my mind, at teh same time. and. my mind can't handle it.
not sleeping. even wehn I sleep I don't sleep. the sleeping tablets last night didn't do sod all. and I took teh double dose the GP told me too, rahter than the half that sized doze teh consultant first said. actually, not entirely sure I didn't screw that up last night, and take it twice, so took double double or soemthing then today.. fine earlier... sort of ... then. just. don't know.

scared. - I dont' know what I'd have done, earlier, if William hand' tof been here. I just... dunno. its kinda wird. err, weird> I mean.. not taht* kinda weird... but... <

gosh, and now its 3 am, thanks to clock change. not tired at all. but so tired. I've not slept in years. most of my sleep isn't sleep. its. sort of ... just drowsy wakefulness. well, guess I'll go do some of that for four or five hours, then get a shower, not showered since... like Thursday morning. damnit.

I slept theis afternoon. for an hour. wow. I mean. like an hours, actual sleep.

then found energy to shower, majorly... - been so down, for no reason I could ... get, that I'd not really washed proper since like Thursday morning, just before the twelve hour long stint at hospital, for just the few bits of time, ahte the actual chemo takes
full on shower . mind.
chea butter soap. flannel.
coconut and something body wash. exfoliating cloth.
exfoliating coconut body shop scrub. exfoliating scrub sponge.
coconut shampoo.coconut conditioner.shaved (Ok, why hasn't the chemo ment I can stop shaving me face, an chest? )
then, at the end, teh Lush body melt used as a final moisturign scrub wash (has oats in it, so gorgeous). ,blush>

then, of course, coconut butter, after drying myself, for moisturising.

danced in front of the Hifi to prince, zappa, (seriously), and, roymond's roymondo's Debauchery song. seriously seriously.

slipped on:

my 32" skinny fit female levis'~! no problem! yeh! tightest hole on big black leather belt too

chainmail bracelts/cuffs, and my chainmail new slave with bells, anklet

perlipheral neuropathy already geting better; ahnds working better, and feeling coming back; even the tricky tight catch on the anklet, I coudl do...

then.

in the kitchen. the kitchen wall. W. me. yeh. I've still got it. more... actually.. I think than before this whole chemo nonsense started

ate a large bucket of piteroles with choc sauce, for dessert so many choc pefiteroles... followed by cherry bakewell tarts.

and.
I'm so tempted to go open the pickled onions we bought earlier ; getting out of the house was a good move, even if it was jut a short trip in the freezing wind, to teh shop at teh end of the road

may be out, briefly, with a friend tomorrow night; for a pint or two. well.. when I say briefly... if I'm 'up' I might ... ya know... go all the way

you can't keep a 2legs down for long... I've a dredful reutatuation err reputation to maintain... or at least add too, hurrendiously...

but. yesterday was scarey. wondering if I shoudl contact my main contact nurse person... err.... key worker? soemthing like taht... CNS or CSN (cancer specialist, or cancer, nurse specialist... soemthgin like that... she's kinda cute anyhow... so maybe an idea... )

I sear my skin has never been so good... all this extra moisturising

I must try be more stable low... avoid those lows... ahd to console W earlier... he was so upset... probably did us both good... espcailly the bits in the kitchen later...and the all... and... damnit... sewear I'm getting even... worse than I was before

and. oo. gift package being sent in my directtion.... from overseas....

Easter gifts.
an 'egg'.
and 'teddy'...and... a necklace
I don't deserve such people in my life... I'm so lucky. must be nearly supper time

I'm so glad you're back up. You're totally allowed to feel the negative stuff, indeed I'm surprised there's not more of it, but it's strange to read because it seems so unlike the you I've come to "know" from your postings here.

And hey, maybe it was just the need for a good scrub that brought you down!

Deb

Maybe it was a lack of coconut scrub, moisturiser, shampoo, conditioner, exfoliating scrub, and... hmm.... the main drug I appear to be on is coconut.... - I stand by ny origional clame taht Its anti-cancerous theraputic for my mind, anyhow, if nothing else..,,

the drop was weird, I can summise some explinations;

the smashing the glass in the kitchen, put me semi into shock; as I've ment to have this Addison's disease now, entirely unrelated to the lymphoma, apparently, I'm not producing cortisol..... and so there wasnt the useual boots of it, that would be in normal conditions... so I kinda went a bit into shoc, then hit a hypoglycemia type ting... - combined with teh chemo drugs in my sysem, too.... - well, i think there is a basis in science in that sort of expliation...

then. there is the whole.... all kinds of everything. Its not the cacner.... its not the lymphoma... its stupid me, for not having got rid of the lodger, years back... its my being annoyed I've got to walk into a pile of rubbish in the house, eery time I come in, blocking the hall, left there by lodger... Its that I can't clean, steralise the worktops, and know they will sitll be that, two minutes later... Its being woken if I've managed to sleep, by hearing lodger get home, or hearing a car in the street, or just hearing the water moving through the pipes in the house...
Its annoyance with myself for not having energy to clean and do housework, properly... and for my being so snappy with W sometimes... and not ... and... and not having slept for properly for decades... and not having the energy to cook proper food, or make bread... or... having not any concentration to read... or do anything; its haing 23 hour long days, during which I ca't concentrate on anything, much at all for more than 40 minutes, at a time

but.

having said which.

Mainlly its all fine seriously.

depends I guess, how you view it; I don't necessarily view it as me, or in me, I don't have too... I;m often viewing myself more third party than first-hand anyhow,,,

so... like waking this morning. unable just about to move... muscles... so - probably hurt... I've o idea, I just ignored it... after a while... got uncomfortable though, with the massive abdominal cramps too... so I got up.

I've a feeling getting up may have hurt; no idea, but... it... sort of ... felt like it might sort obe... took a while to get moving basically - Im not used to feeling 'that old' getting up

some restorative Jasmine tea though and things were fine...

drugs... breska.... jasmine tea...

then a trip out... which is such a good idea, esp if I'm feeling rubbish.

tried to find a new French press, for coffee, but couldn't... did some grocery shopping

and. I may have wined.,,... a bit... until.... Sir gave in... and... of all things took me into the big pet store... and... bought me a present <drool well.... it really is such a gorgeous leash... so heavy and ... gorgeous

home, and spent the last of energy I had, making some late lunch... and now William's gone home, for some stuff he needs to do, for a few days, and I'm... sorting out stuff on laptop, and wondering what to do next... oh, and doing my laundry, which I've ignored again, for ages

trying to sort out impossibility of medical stuff, err, a week Thursday; but W is gona o do that... the stress of my thinking about that... would likely send me ... down again; two pet scans, one day, neither of which can happen, as chemo is on same day; but pet scan needed before chemo, this new cycle starting... - think they need to cancel one pet, and move the chemo from Thurs to Fri, unless they can reschedule a pet for earlier in the week

so. so so tired... but I'm in chainmail, and I've a new leash. what could possibly go wrong.

my ... almost illegally aquired supply of snus turned up today and... I am.... apparently... going to the pub tonight... that might... be... odd I might have to call off the pub, unless I can wake up at some point; hot shower later, I think

Have a virtual . Although it may be more for my benefit - I probably need to give you a cuddle after that last post more than you need to receive one!

Deb

Awwwww... thanks - really I'm fine... just... soemtimes goes a bit... wonky even by my ... very low or odd standards =- lets face it... I never had a particular solid grip on reality... err... like every in my life really

yesterday was good... today's been good too

went out to the pub last night... for ... like the first time... in forever and... got ... a little* drunk... but I was sensible... ish...
was so convinced I'd be feeling like a train crash this morning though; and laying in bed... before I got up... sort of half awake, listning to that horible wind outside.... I ... didn't wanna get up... then... I gave myself a good talking too, as it were. and got up... and
felt so fine! no sign of a hangover or anything... probably soem aches and stuff, but... like so what

and last night out was cool there was beer... and laughter and people talking the P out of me... and lots of jokes about my still having hair and... beer... adn a burger and chips... and ... a couple of strange blokes at a table... and... Swedish snus for me, whilst my friend gave himself lung cancer and, then there was the off liecence.... then there was music and dancing and.... I was sort of well-behaved; others were smoking; I did not. although.... teh little bits of passive smoking I might ahve.... had forced apon me... were not.... any the less... plesent (strange I know), for their... largely.... herbal content but I was good and didn't smoke and... I only had like a little beer... really... well quite a lot... and... so damn normal... hmm. well normal by my standards type normal night out... and fresh air despite teh rain and cold, just felt good... and walking about at night... and being back at my friends, where I'd not been in ages, and playing very badly with a couple of his guitars and ukes and stuff and listening to some old music and rubbish, and talking ... even more c than I do on here

still can't belive I wasn't even remotely hungover today

today I then got stuff done;
kitchen cleaned. bedroom cleaned. bedroom tidied. laundry put away. etc., etc.,and lots of and eggs were had for lunch with some posh bread I bought

and I jut ordered up a new cafetiere and...

of all things... I'm now looking at mother and baby stuff; baby-/toy storage things; for a hammock or something to store my menegerie err manegeri of pets/teddys/plush toys in seriously.... - each time.... - there is always more weird yet to discover

I must try... though... stabelise my emotions a bit more... avoid the huge down bits... I just don't know where they come from.... they're so not me... at all... and... I know.. with just a tiny tiny bit more strength, I can va vanquish them, immediately, so long as I'm not overly at teh same time... -0 I must try harder
oo. time for more tea... then shower... then soemthing gorgeous for dinner... and... then... just... because... a bonkers scented, full of bath bombs, and bath melts, bath later on just to well make my skin nice but also ease some aching in my shoulders and arms and places up and up .... to insanity and beyond#!

oo; and William was busy on the phone, first thing, at his; and had gotten all teh hopital confusion sorted, by the time I'd got up; the PET scan is on the Thursday (week thursday coming), and then the chemos moved to the Friday so it'll all work out afterall don't anna miss my loverly vloverly loverly tasty drugs from chemo nor the tasty radiation for the PET scan

I know what you mean about the passive smoking. When I first stopped, if I was out for a meal I would go and hang around the smokers afterwards (this was in the days when smokers weren't social pariahs and didn't have to leave the building to get their fix) and breathe deeply

I still like it sometimes, even after nearly 15 years!

Deb

I guess it never leaves one! although, having said which, I can't imagine, ever wanting to actually 'be a smoker' again... even after, what, like a month or two I guss now, not smoking, despite twenty years of smoking before, the idea, just seems... so odd!

ugh.

ahh. - the affect of the chemo is really very differnt every time, and I think I can safely say, the cytotoxic drugs are starting to build up in my system.... gosh... physically felt so this morning.... - didn't even wake and get up until 11!

and.... oh... this could be even worse, of course, after the subsequent infusions and cycles to come

Morally and... something uplifting and building, no doubt

bending and breaking myself, to be reassembled, the other side, into something even mor weird than I was before.

pah.... its so not trying... I'm way more physically stronger than it.... thus far!

emotionally stronger even as my body weakens, which is kinda weird... and now I've been up, done some stuff, bit of cleaning, put on laundry, cooked, eaten, etc, feeling a bit better, I guess... but... I may have to give in and nap later

novel experience of a really painful eye; took a while to figure it out; damn eyelashes falling out! making eye sore/itchy