h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

All right... it may surprise some of you but I actually am interested in a romantic relationship. But short of that I still would like to have more friends. I have no idea how to approach romance. Right now there are two people I'm interested in and I would like to hear some opinions about my chances.

The first is a girl I actually have known since her birth. But not well. Her parents were friends with my parents. I know all her brothers and get on well with them. She sings with a choir that's a project of another friend of mine. I've spoken with her a few times. Problems: first, she's young. Probably twenty or twenty-one years old. Second, her father is very strictly religious. He would definitely not approve of my religious notions. Her brothers, especially her eldest brother, also. Very strict conservative Calvinist Christians. I can only be called Christian by the most liberal possible conception of the term. But ... I get on well with her parents and brothers. Only if there ever is a serious relationship between her and me would there be a real problem and I'm still light years away from that. But I see the potential for trouble in the future ...

Anyways, I've taken steps towards befriending her better. Her mother has had cancer but is doing better now and I asked about her. This girl is also posting interesting articles about health on her facebook page. I've spoken a bit about health with her. She responded quickly to my posts so it seems I was able to hold her interest for a few minutes at least, and we had a pleasant short conversation. There are other angles I can speak to her about; she works at a pest control company and a while ago posted a link about plants that drive mosquitoes away! Plants you can plant around your house - a very environmentally friendly form of mosquito control! I happen to have several aromatic plants around the house and am hardly ever bothered with mosquitoes ... so anyways I can talk about that too.

So ... should I just try and be better friends with her and see what happens? Should I forget romance on account of her age and the other potential problems? Even if those problems weren't there it would still be up to her of course, depending on whether she has any romantic interest in me whatsoever.

I am doing my darnedest not to appear pushy ... just a few words said here or there ... not too interested ... I am very worried about creeping her out. She might feel a bit awkward and I don't want that. I always worry about coming across creepy because after all I am an alien masquerading as a human, and not very expertly at that.

The second possibility ... there is a woman in the bird club, much closer to me in age, who looks nice and I've spoken with her, she's friendly and impressed with my knowledge of birds and plants. So there's an angle, we share an interest. Now the thing is, tell me if I'm wrong, I should ask about *her* and her interests and things and not show off my knowledge and such? Anyways, I won't see her for a while, bird club only starts up again February next year.

Well, I'll tell you what I know about relationships - which probably isn't much.

I don't think anybody ever finds romance by looking for it. But I think friendship is easy enough - and it turns into what it turns into.

And the best way to be friends with anybody - young, old, male, female - is just to listen to them. Be willing to talk about what they want to talk about, and not try to overwhelm them. Slow and steady wins any race, say I.

Oh Willem, it sounds to me like you already have this thing called relationships well in hand, you are already known to these women and they regard you as friendly (or they just wouldn't respond). The last thing I think of when I think of you is "creep" (and I have met plenty of them) you come across as a very interesting person, and your knowledge of nature has always impressed me. What woman wouldn't want an articulate man paying her attention? In my eyes, if you're clean and smell nice, that's half the battle. Keep a smile on your face and eye contact, you can make a girl feel a million dollars just by giving her your undivided attention. February will soon be here. I am drawn to the second lady, just from your words. I do think it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to say/ask her "what do you do when the bird club is on hiatus?" she may invite you or at least suggest a meeting between you. You have already taken the first steps my friendand I wish you and do keep us posted!

Remember we're here for you, and NONE of us are experts The potted histories of our love lives (I'm going to swop them stories with Dmitri one day aren't for delicate ears)

Willem, I would second everything Dmitri says and you are right not to be pushy, there is nothing more off putting and it can get in the way of friendship, should that be all that is on offer.

The nugget to take on board is that no-one finds romance, the genuine kind when looking for it, it tends to creep up on you when you least expect it

Conversation is a two way thing, and I saw a quote the other day which I found interesting - <>

All of us have a history which gives us some insight in to the difficulties but doesn't really qualify us to give advice, just encouragement.

Just relax and be yourself. The first person of interest sounds as if a whole raft of problems could get in the way or progress but friendship can often be more valuable than romance.



Websailor

Hi folks, thanks for the suggestions! Galaxy Babe, I do keep myself clean, showering every day, shaving, brushing my teeth, using deodorant ... but I still *look* rather scruffy at best!

Anyways ... you folks know what? My dad went after my mom from the start making her understand he's romantically interested in her. I still have his letters to her ... he was quite enthusiastic. He was an aspiring poet ...

What lovely things to have Willem. Treasure them.. Things were much simpler in their day Willem believe me.

Websailor

Hi Websailor! Thanks for dropping by. Anyways today I got more angles for interacting with the young girl. My preacher friend gave her some seeds some months ago ... a rare kind of local Strelitzia. Now I can ask het about how those seeds did. She knows I'm cultivating plants.

Anyways, I am wondering about being open about being attracted to another person. I generally believe in openness. Anything else feels to me like some kind of deceit. Also there are strange side effects about 'hiding' what one really wants. If everybody defers to what he or she *thinks* the other person/people want, it can end in nobody getting what they really prefer the most.

But this is an artefact of society ... not much I can do as an individual, or at least, everything I might try to do against it, might end up harming me alone ...

UPDATE: I had a conversation with the young girl about the Strelitzia seeds. She had given them to her sister-in-law with whom I'll also speak now. But ... again she answered me promptly and we had a friendly conversation, this time a bit longer than before! So I can speak with her sister-in-law and perhaps in the process another angle will come up that I can pursue further.

She sounds like a very nice person, and the interactions sound excellent. It sounds like the relationship is doing well, and might develop.

Hi Willem

Good to read that you are doing well with opening channels of communication

Just sharing a thought or few here not giving advice, I am open and upfront too and every relationship is different but there has been those when I haven't disclosed an interest in someone for a while, I don't feel that I have been deceitful because I genuinely have felt and thought that yes while there is an attraction there, I am as interested in spending time with this person as friends in the 'here and now' and getting to know them as a friend and fellow human being and that might lead somewhere else, equally it may not.

There is no hurry and it not unreasonable in taking time getting to know someone*, seeing where the land might lie and establishing if there is a likelihood of your feeling being recprocated before you make any moves.

* as importantly giving them time to get to know you, attraction and romantic interest is a funny thing, sometimes it is a fairly instant thing, other times you are getting a long with someone all friendly and then whoa you start to look at and think about them in a different way.

So what am I trying to express For me there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking someone on a date for instance thereby expressing a romantic interest, equally there is nothing wrong** with spending time more casually with someone, getting to know each other, enjoying the time you spend together in the here and now and seeing where things go from there.

** unless it feels wrong for you, well then it is just wrong.

Hi folks! Thanks for all the input. I've now spoken with her sister-in-law who's also interested in plants, inviting her (sister-in-law) and her husband (the girl I like's eldest brother) for a visit. If they do come visit, more angles for interaction might turn up.

Willem. Take your time and be as natural as you can.

I'll try to be, GB! I have meanwhile had lots more conversation with her sister-in-law, and I wish to invite them on a plant watching and photography trip ... maybe she (the nice girl I like) could come along!