h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks -this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty Big trouble.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

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Where does "Get that f£$@*!%g floor done instead of playing I Spy" fit in?

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Hey, I keep meaning to reply to your last email but i can't remember which account I was using

Thanks fur the advice.

I discovered one with 3x optical zoom for £49.99 on the Amazon site

Just waiting now...

I'm frightened to check my email after 8 days offline anyway.

I look forward to seeing pics of burning sheep and indoor rivers on Yaho

I've got one of a two-legged dog and some of a legless one (finally developed the boys' from last year).

I knew I shouldn't have bought them the diy-surgery kit.

http://public.fotki.com/Tefkat/hootoo/tailbiter1.html

The superglue was obviously a mistake too...


http://public.fotki.com/Tefkat/hootoo/fitba6.html

http://public.fotki.com/Tefkat/hootoo/fitba7.html

Is that the salmapig?

Yup. Strung up from a maple tree this time.

Planning to photoshop her again?

Again? I don't remember doing anything before - allI I'm getting is a picture of a salmapig jumping out of a river.

there was also one of her walking out of the river. you replaced her head with a pig's.

Brilliant stuff Tef. This is currently doing the rounds at work!

Replaced her head with a pigs?

I fear you are mistaken madam, I never touched her Might I suggest you don the butterflies and take a closer look at your pet next time you take her home from Dr Frankenstein's Veterinary Surgery?

You had me worried for a minute Spike. I had visions of my legless dog doing thge rounds at work (slithering, presumably)

You deny this?

http://public.fotki.com/Tefkat/hootoo/pigdog.html

that picture is soooo surreal!

So's the inside of Wumbeevil's head.

You missed

"Oh I'm sorry - now I've checked, you are right."

This means - I am going to torture you slowly to death and forgiveness is not an option. - Your only hope is say 'Law of averages love, I had to be right one day. I only wish that I could have admited my error as openly as you.'

"Oh I'm sorry - now I've checked, you are right." is actually part of a woman's vocabulary?


(and men have been known to be right?)