h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...as you are, in a way. Taking a bit of time out to do some rethinking about things generally. Your writing style is familar to me, but I'm not going to even try putting one aspect of "you" with the "other" one. But I think we've possibly passed the time of day sometimes.

Your "new" persona strikes a chord with me - I came through the other side comfotably enough about aspects of poor body image; I also was in a similar situation as it sounds as if you are with an insecure partner. I survived, and am happy with my choices. It seems to work (for me, anyway) well.

I may have some ideas that possibly might give you food for thought. I'm willing to share them with you.

My problem is, I am not very good at believing my ideas are worthwhile enough to volunteer, without being asked for them first.

Would you want to hear them?

Please! I would love to learn how to emerge as a stronger but gentle person!

You are now added as a friend! And you made me very curious about your other self But unless you figure it out, and let me know on my other page that we met somewhere else, I won't snoop. Yet...

QN

I'd prefer you didn't guess atall, if thats OK. I use humour far far too often as a defence mechanism, and one of the things I'd really like to try is *not to be humourous...at least, not for a bit

Sronger but gentler, eh? H'mm. I don't claim to be either...

I had a background from childhood, of being told I was fat, I was ugly, I was clumsy and I was basically useless - and having glasses was a terrible failiure. So I'm well versed in listening to critism about appearances from the word go. Up until I was in my late teens it was the norm for me to acept there was no praise, no compliments and no encouragement.

Compliments were never meant - anything nice said about me from those outside the familly was insincere, and it was always said for an ulterior motive as far as *I* was concerned. ("They're only being nice to get something out of you, they don't mean it" was a litany I heard many a time. Thats what I was taught by my parents, who had problems beyond Freud, so thats how the world was.

So firstly, start by imagining a very aggressive, but incrediably quiet, self conscious teen. Very self controlled. Putting on a very brave front. Refusing to believe life was rubbish, more because she didn't want to believe it was. I must've been born optimistic, or something.

And not having a clue what she actually looked like, because her sight was so appauling, she couldn't see more than a blur in the mirror.

However, I had a grandfather, who, although quiet, was also determined his granddaughter was going to be as good in financial terms as her school friends

(The parents were also very good at not giving pocket money, and when I began Saturday work immediately demanding two thirds of my wage as housekeeping. They were lovely people)

When my best friend at school got some contact lenses I couldn't believe how much her appearance and confidence improved (hang on.. I know you can't wear lenses, but there *is* a point to all this background, really there is)

I rather hesitently asked the parents if I could have a pair for a birthday and Christmas combined present. The answer was a resounding No, of course.

But grandad saw that I was unhappy one evening, asked me what the matter was, and as he, of all the familly hadn't been unkind, I told him the reasen. "Get yourself to the optician, girl and I'll pay for them" he said. "You don't have to tell *them I paid, just say you managed to save up for 'em yourself"

So post haste to the optician I went...and for the first time I looked into a mirror and really saw what I looked like!

The parents' words had led me to believe I was ugly - I wasn't! I'd good (appearing) eyes and a clear skin. My features were regular. Infact, I quietly gloated, I was quite attractive! Not model material, but certainly around average or perhaps slightly more so

Was I fat? No; I was rounded. (I actually had a 36-26-36 figure... but we'll come to that a bit later on)

I learned not to listen to anyone else's opinion, but to rely on my own judgement that day. It took several years to learn the confidence to put the theory into practice though - Rome wasn't built in a day, after all.


Fast forward to age 30. It was then I really learned to accept how great my body actually was. Not from an asthetic point of view; I'd had children by then, and the first flush of youth had begun to fade. But it suddenly occured to me one day, as I was quietly despairing over my stretch marks and fallen bust line, my body was an absolutely wonderful piece of physical engineering. It had born children, it had fed them, it had carried me miles on my feet; my hands had held and nurtured my children, caressed lovers and given immense pleasure. My arms were strong, they had defended me and comforted others. Every part of me worked perfectly, and was worthy of admiration love, and above all respect. It may not be to everyone's taste, but no-one had the right to critise it or make me feel bad about it.


Once you start *knowing this, your whole self esteem lifts.

And stuff starts, imperceptably, to change. When you change your beliefs about yourself, then it automatically challenges people to also revise their way of perceiving you. And for some odd reasen, you don't actually *need to say anything, or discuss, or reassure them.

I'll have to get back to you on this - I've just seen the time, and I'm due out in 5 minutes

Ah, I won't do any guesswork then.

Thanks for your story. I have a different background, but can sympathise with yours. I suppose you might have kept your parents at a comfortable distance, once you could? I hope you still have your granddad around, he seems a wonderful man!

My parents were OK.

But in school I was either invisible or the foureyes who studied to be teachers pet. Or something. Far too bright for my own best in small towns, and had no clue about my body.
I took ballet lessons, not football, and scouting, not discos...

When the other girls in class made out with boyfriends, I had a pen-pal boyfriend. I really was in love, but never managed more than a hug and a peck on the cheek - we were both shy.

And after him I went through a few boyfriends before I found my dear husband. No short relationships, from sixteen and on, none shorter than a year... Although, one started talking row house and kids when I was about seventeen - Not ready for that and his musician blues, one was a total mollusc, couldn't even apply for a job - his mom did it for him when he was 20... another an alcoholic. At age 20... and dumped me while on a holiday, for a au pair!

Again, my parents were OK, but my brother got more attention. I did fine in school, he was mobbed - and was actually knocked unconcions when he finished (uhm. 9th grade is when mandatory school finished here, he was almost 16). But we weren't told until years later, all we noticed was him being 'difficult'. But I was the Good Girl. Who Manages somehow.

I want the same revelation as you - having a body that's fine. Great even. Theoretically, I know it's fine for being 38. I have two children, they're wonderful. I'm not much over BMI 25. I am in better shape than ever - never before did I run 3 km without almost dying!

But it's not enough. And it's definitely not OK, not taking sexual initiative. Not being so inclined very often.

But the few times I did make a move, and really wanted to, he was tired, cross, refused me. I'm not sure if he was trying to get even, or cross from another reason, but thing is, he refused my attempt. Not easy to move on from that...

Anyway. Enough for today - I'm so glad you stopped by, and I really appreciate the open discussion.


QuietNefertari

Like I said, Rome wasn't built in a day

I think one *gets "A revelation" when you hurt enough. Sounds harsh, but it seems to be a fact.

I too was invisible at school - the swot, the fat kid and, like you, too bright for my own good. I was bullied savagely at junior school level (I used to throw up every morning to try and get out of going, to no avail) By senior school I'd learned being the wit in class was the way to go - make people laugh and they don't want to pick on you... they'll leave the entertainment alone. And also, for some odd reasen, even as a child, I got told confidences and seemed to be the resident shoulder. In short, I became useful.

I was always seen as capeable - boy, if only people knew!

Boyfriends as a teenager? Naw... not me. I was an on looker but I learned to *appear I was accompanied, and from the problems all the other girls told me, I knew enough of what to say to appear far wiser, and far more knowledgable than I actually was. I was always very good at being to see *why or how people were as they were. I'd had a lot of practice as a kid, remember, and I needed someone to explain to me why mother, in particular, was as mean to me as she actually was. As I had no one I felt I could trust, I worked it out for myself.

Infact, I was very frightened of boys, and of things physical.

Being abused as a child certainly makes a person pretty darned wary. As soon as I learned how to use a lock - by about the age of 6 - I couldn't reach it until then - I certainly kept my folks at arms length. And I also told them that I was far too fat and heavy to expect to sit on their knees any more. I learned very early on in life to turn their phrases around to them - I don't know *how I did it, but I found holding up a mirror image of their words to me to *them (if that makes sense)kept them at bay far better than fighting or crying or showing any reaction of pain or fear. If I cried or struggled or showed any sign of what they perceived to be weakness, then they'd only do it some more.

Things changed after school a little. Sweet 16 and never been kissed; Really! I kid you not. I was a very late developer in that respect.

I fell in with a group of really nice people at around 16 - one of those group hobbies where there were adults, teens and kids. For the first time I met a crowd of people who were (relatively) normal!

I freaked inside, but I was so very used, by then to putting on a confident front, I don't think any of them realised I used to quake inside if I was so much as looked at, or asked to join in.

It was so good to be accepted as one of the crowd! Very scarey though. It still is.

Disdain and unkindness I could - and still can, if needs be cope with far better than openess and friendliness. (I was never violent, but I have a very scathing turn of repartee and phrase. I think, at a pinch, if it were necessary I could make god himself feel inadequate with a few words. I very seldom use that ability, though.

I was desparately suspicious then, and even to this day, even on site, its the kindness and friendliness that I find hardest to accept. I *enjoy it, of course I do, but, I know deep inside, I am frightened to enjoy it too much, and too insecure within myself to relax and enjoy the affection because it was invariably taken away from me. Especially if I allowed myself to rely on it.

Its this aspect above all others, I am still struggling with, which is why its so nice to be totally anon. here

I believe, that if I can actually take a deep breath and *admit (almost) publically that inside this wonderfully appearing confident woman hides a small frightened, almost childlike creature (although that childlike bit is a rather nice thing to be - most of the time, everything seems so wonderful and exciting, believe it or not!) that wants to see if *that part can be accepted as readilly as all the other aspects of myself I'll finally be completely complete.

But back to you - this is "you" we're discussing. I'm simply offering background as such, because its relevant to what I'd like to share with you - but I'll need to refer back and say "Remember I told you suh and such happened? Well, from that, I learned so-and-so.

I see you've had the joys of an alcoholic boyfriend - welcome to the club They're an education in themselves! B-I-G confidence sappers.

I finally got around to boyfriends when I was 17 - the first time I was kissed it felt like I was sucking slugs; eeeooow! And I was too scared and too naive to have the courage to say "No" (took me a long long time to realise I had the right to say No. If they're bigger than you, I reasened, you don't struggle, you just go limp and they get fed up. Worked as a kid...and it worked as an adult, too, I found!)

Your reference to your brother's difficulties; they were a bit difficult to follow, I'm afraid - would you run that by me again, please? I've gathered he was older than you, and you refer to "others" so I'm guessing you've other siblings. Where did you come in the pecking order within the familly? As an educated guess, I'd hazard you were the eldest daughter, but not necessarilly the eldest child.

Am I close?

As for BMI - oh boy, what wouldn't I give to be a mere 25! I'm a 30 (they call it "sub obese" in medical parliance - well, they can stick that label where the sun doesn't shine, I'm afraid) Most of it is muscle, and whats not is still mine. I'm healthy, I'm in reasenably good nick for my age (I'm about 15 years older than you) and I've worked pretty extensively in the medical field. I've seen more semi nude or naked bodies than the average dog has had dinners, and let me tell you here and now, there is no such thing - generally speaking - as an ideal body. And very VERY few people - usually those with good physiques, especially are ever really content with theirs, either.

Bear in mind, what you see as an imperfection is probably what someone else sees as either cute, or desirable or as part of the wonderful unique being "you" are to them.

Others don't see the physical faults we see and deplore in ourselves, believe me. I absolutely loathed the size and shape of my breasts, and I was absolutely terrified the first time I stripped off infront of the very first man I shared a bed with. I wanted to hide, but I was too proud and too well versed in hiding that terror by then to ask for reassurance, and I can safely (and possibly smugly) say, he had no complaints or critism to offer.

It starts off as bluff - but theres a lot of truth in the old theory that if you *act confident, eventually, it ceases to be an act and can be done automatically. And one day, it becomes a reality.

And if they do?

Well, my own theory is that we attract mirror images of ourselves, at different stages of our psyche. If we feel bad about ourselves, we attact people who reflect that back at ourselves.

And sometimes, if you're "The Good Girl who manages somehow" as you say you were,and I know I was, too, then you sometimes attract people who believe that "you" can solve "their" problems, and they become angry and cross and frustrated that we don't. So they hold up our imperfections as a sort of subconscious goad.

What they don't realise, is that the only person who can solve their problems and reassure them that they are lovable is - themselves!

Its called Co-Dependency I reckon over 90% of the population do it to some extent or another, which is why so many people have relationships that become rocky

If you can, try to find a book called "Co Dependent No More" by an author called Melanie Beattie.

Another useful one is "A Woman in your own Right" (forgotten the author, though, but I'm certain if you google it, it's easilly found)

I read the Woman in your own right, and did the assertion course at age 21, and - believe it or not, learned, for the first time in my life how to communicate how I felt without feeling guilty.

And when I read the Melanie Beatie book, at age 30 (ish)...all the pieces sort of fell into place

Like I said... my Rome wasn't built in a day, but then I had a lot of other issues to clamber through. And I was a bit busy, getting on with Life, too.

Can we talk about sex another time? I get the feeling you feel incrediably guilty that your husband doesn't ring your bells lately.

It is NOT all your fault. If he has been critising you (no matter HOW lovingly or "for your own good" then you are bound to be putting up defenses - how in gods name can anyone expect you to *want to feel sexy, and giving when you already know - or *think you know he doesn't approve of your physique!



Its late, and the lure of the duvet is strong, so till next time....

There is a lot to think about in your reply. And I'm on my way out in a little while, so will get back to you at another time.

I am the big sister, and have only my little brother, sorry about confusing you about it.

It's fine to leave sex for a bit. There is (as you have perhaps found in my journal) another one, who I think I would want sex with, but he is roughly 1000 km away... So all hope is not lost!

until later


QuietNefertari

Still digesting your story...

You mean that they didn't get you glasses? How cruel! I first thought you had, but couldn't match that with seeing yourself in the mirror.

I am unsure of what you meant with abuse. It does sound very worrying... at the same time, I take courage from your ability to be well now.

I'm sorry for you not being able to relax in being appreciated. I too tend to hold back, not trust that others like me. But on the other hand, I like people! I find it easy to get attached, to care. I just get surprised when the sentiments are returned...

Many hugs

QuietNefertari

Oh no... once the school had a word with mum that they suspected I couldn't see the blackboard, I got my glasses alright. Only problem *was....(a) the optician was utter rubbish, so I *still couldn't see particually well...and (b) I couldn't see what I looked like *when I took my glasses off to look at my reflection. I could see about 6 inches before the blur and fuzz of short sightedness swirled around me

What did I mean by abuse? Well.. try sexual abuse (dear mother!) and psychological abuse. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the phrase "moving the goal posts" but it was a bit like that., most of the time.

But it was a long time ago, I've had plenty of councelling, and that was then - it happened to me "then" - and I survived it, and became stronger and wiser as a result because I chose to. I could have allowed it to destroy me, but I didn't. It isn't relevant to the person I am now, if that makes sense.

I've had a mosey around your journals, and also lurked on the penis thread. - Some of the advise on the latter is very very sound - especially the guy who reminded you that ladies always come first. The point made about "wanting *him* and simply *wanting* I thought was very appropriate, too.


If you don't mind me saying so, your partner sounds as if he is very sexually insecure - I'd be very wary of any partner who'd want to watch me shagging a co worker... I mean... WHY??? To re-establish, in his own estimation he's an inadequate lover? To (altruistly? Perhaps) watch you being happy thru the only medium he believes he can make you happy?

*is he a bit of a bully? Or if not a bully, possibly a tad on the bossy side? The pattern I can see is that he's *just kind enough to make you want to stay with him - but *only just. There seems to be a lot of critism from him to you between times.

(eg - complaints about your appearance, but not actually doing much in the way of giving you time, space and above all positive encouragement to do it. If he soesn't like your glasses, then I'd have thought he'd have the sense to realise if you're constantly tied up with child care and/or work, it'd be practical to help you re oraganise your time a bit, so you get some quality "me" time)

As for any adult waking up another adult to beg reassurance that they love them....

Excuse me?????

This is child/adult behaviour (Mummy, mummy, tell me you love me)

Sounds like, on occasions, its you being the Giver for a majority of the time. What does he give you freely, emotion wise? Is he emotionally/intellectually fulfilling for you?

If you met him fresh today - would you like him as a person? Would you fancy him?

Hard questions, but not meant unkindly. Only answer if you want to..and be as objective as you can be. Don't make excuses for him - OR you!

I'm not here to judge, I'm simply willing to be a sounding board if you want me to be.


This long distance "other" you refer to... it sounds tempting. But could you actually go thru with the idea of just being a misstress...or let it be a sexual fling? The fantasy is wonderful (and the reality is pretty great too, until the emotions kick in! You really do have to be very clear about what you want, and what you expect from this sort of liason. Trust me on this) and half of me says "Go for it! See how wonderful you can feel about yourself once you've known an appreciative lover" (The feeling never leaves you)

The other, more pragmatic half says "H'mmm.... OK... you think you'd like sex with someone who lives 500km away. How are you going to swing that, then? What about practicalities like someone to look after the kids and ensure your husband doesn't notice you're gone for a few days?

Also... how good are you at hiding your feelings? Not with the possible lover, but with your current partner? I've never played away from home when I was in a relationship, but I've certainly had a couple of partners who played away from home with me, when I was between men. I never told anyone, but my friends could always spot when I was having fun. "You're glowing from the inside" one girl said to me. "Your eyes are all sparkly" said my kids.

Whoops!

There are pros and cons to an affair, and its entirely what you decide is best for you

You won't find me making any judgements - I'm not you, and its not my business, really.

But it'd be nice to see you enjoy being who you are. And not worrying that you might not be who anyone else wants you to be.

I'm glad you got the counselling you needed.

Some answers to some questions then...

About sex with others - In a way, I think he wants me to be happy, to enjoy sex.
We read Penthouse together sometimes, and some stories like that can be a turnon. Probably he felt that putting me in one of these stories would be exciting. I'm sure it is exciting to him, but at the same time he is a bit disgusted about his own fantasies. If I keep allowing him to fantasise, I don't feel OK, if I tell him I don't like it he goes all sulky and depressed. So last time, I told him that it doesn't appeal to me any longer, and I think I said it in a way not to make him uncomfortable.

He was brought up as an only, and very favourite child until he was 12. The demands were high, only the highest performance was good enough, but at the same time, I think he was treated like a prince, getting his way a lot of the time.
His dad is also expert at making his mom feel bad about herself, and she is an expert at playing the victim. Your normal, slightly dysfunctional family in other words.
Maybe that is why he has high demands and expects them to be met.

I said to him yesterday, and he seemed to realise, that he must let go of the high demands. Work on enjoying what he has, not what might have been.

I am also standing up for myself more. Little things, yes. Like today: He will have to solve the pickup of son at school, because I am going for a longish walk on my own. If I happen to walk downtown and do some shopping, it's none of his business! Little by little, I will be my own person a bit more!

Waking me up... He *is* having a mid life crisis, no doubt about it - this is just happening since the last half year maybe. He is very insecure. So, yes, I am the Giving one. But I am (partly through airing things here) getting stronger, and also beginning to demand things back. Time and reassurance among other things. I have been very insecure through the years, and he was pretty supportive at times. So the balance has shifted. I'm sure it will shift again, it's just horribly frustrating just now.

We do have great conversations now and then, when we are more intellectual than emotional. I really love those talks! If that confidence would just spread to the emotional times too, it would be just great.

Would I like him if I met him today? Probably. I imagine we would have a few intellectual chats which would hook me. (I still feel more like brains than body...) He might say that I'm gorgeous - as he does now, actually - it's just the criticisms that makes me not believe him! And being called gorgeous melts me, because I don't truly feel so myself. Yet
I might not have married him though! I may have higher expectations now. Perhaps this is all because I have changed, and will have less of that cr*p, and he just goes on like before!

Lastly, the Other One... Ahh, the temptation! But having an affair across the Atlantic is not realistic at all! We both know it... So far, we've met at two conferences, 2 1/2 years apart (Cliché alert!) and one day we spent toghether while we were both on business trips, and close enough to meet on a day without work... But I never had the courage for more than a hug. Some hug, I must admit, but not even a kiss... (Which I sorely regret!)
My heart is on my sleeve, my face an open book (as people keep telling me) so it would be obvious if we got any further than mails. And I don't expect to see him again. If I do, wonderful, if not, I'll live. He was this side of the ocean just a week ago, but there was just no way to meet.

Thanks yet again, for being here. You are such a support to me.


QN

Glad to be of service! Thank you

All I'm doing is cheering you on from the sidelines. Think of me as a set of stablising wheels, like the ones you probably had when you learnt to ride your first bike. You don't need em for long - but they're nice to have for the first few times you start off.

Sounds like you've done yourself a load of thinking and stocktaking and doing well - get the little steps right (like establishing that bit of "me" time and get used to that feeling first - eventually, it'll become habit, this feeling of achievement) and you'll feel confident to go for the next step.

Whats the next step? Whatever you want it to be - its your journey, after all.

I see in your latest journal entry you mentioned how terribly tired you feel - that's quite normal, so don't beat yourself up about it. It is, as the Americans put it "a Process". Its not atall uncommon - and all part of the healing process.

You may find you wobble (or soar.....depending on your emotional make up) betweeen joy and despair and back again within a couple of hours. It may feel pretty strange at first, if you're cerebal rather than emotional generally speaking. You are *not* going mad, all thats is happening is that you're getting in touch with lots and lots of (possibly) repressed emotions - just let them happen as and when they do happen. Experience them first, rationalise afterwards!

Well, within reasen. Its probably not a good career move to have a tantrum or whatever within the work place Then again, it may be beneficial to unleash a bit of controlled anger at the office(?) idiot, or an inept manager (I haven't a clue what you do, and obviously I won't ask; but obviously, you work) Your new bit of abrasiveness might get you promotion, if thats what you want.

- try not to fight them, these emotions, or be phased that you're learning new stuff about yourself. Its fine, honestly. Its frightening, exciting, funny, sad, exhilerating and on the whole, a real adventure. Possibly the ultimate adventure you can have...because its all yours and thats great!

Think of it as a sort of practice run up to the menopause if you like, If you can crack the emotional bit now, then you'll fly thru the actual event. The physical side of that can be a tad tedious, but I found when I started to go thru' mine it was rather like being adolescent in reverse, emotion wise. - until I realised what was happening. After that, I found it easy enough.

And yes..... in my case, spots and ghastly greasy skin and lank hair were compulsory enjoyment for a short time, too. I guess I was just really lucky

Or if that thought doesn't appeal, then maybe accepting that growing things (ie, your self esteem) need watering (tears) and sunshine (laughter) to help them grow.

Whichever, its all about acceptance; of yourself.

You're doing good.

Funny that you mention work... I was (apparently) not dealing well with conflicts at work, and was allowed to see a coach for a number of sessions. It was really useful, and helped a lot, but I couldn't really talk about home and love. That was not included in the deal. But anyway, it has been a help in this process too - I am less afraid of reflection than I was before!

The emotions are draining, but strenghtening too. I come out stronger, I can feel that. Now all we need to do is get Himself thinking and reflecting too! In a million years...

I have been thinking of menopause! Lately, my periods are longer than ever, and I figured it might be the beginning of the 'end'. I really don't mind. Periods are a pain, and yet another reason for Himself to complain about lack of sex... But nevermind. I will probably have pimples too - they never really went away, and now they are more than before. 38 might be an early age, but not extreme.

I will continue to grow with your advice on sun and watering

thanks


QN

"I was (apparently) not dealing well with conflicts at work, and was allowed to see a coach for a number of sessions. It was really useful, and helped a lot, but I couldn't really talk about home and love. That was not included in the deal. But anyway, it has been a help in this process too - I am less afraid of reflection than I was before!"

Looks to me like you've got the tools for the job already - keep applying those principals you've already been taught....and adapt the lessons to suit you and every circumstance you feel shy with.

In every situation; life is career, parenting is a career, being a wife or partner is a career. Relationships are, when you strip off all the romance and glamour, good business arrangements with a healthy dose of affection, mutual caring and if you're very lucky, sexual gratification. Although, one doesn't necessarilly have to be married to enjoy that last one. Or even partnered.


It's a bit like a recipe for making a basic sponge, really. First you need a recipe every time, until you've got the hang of it. Then you find you can automatically make one by remembering the recipe. After a while, you don't even need to weigh the ingredients.



Menopause can start as early as late twenties, you know! And by the sound of your menstrual cycle, I'd hazard a guess that you're in a transition time.

Have you tried a large daily dosage (500mg) of Evening Primrose Oil (GLA.) That may lessen the pain of the periods, shorten the length of them, and if nothing else will certainly help with the skin problems. I found it can also lesson the joys of PMT, too. But you need to experiment with the dosage, and be prepared to take it constantly, over a period of several years.

It may not be the best herbal choice for you - there's also StarFlower, or Black Cohosh to name but a couple to consider. But I'd suggest you try GLA to begin with.

And please, do research. It's not a cure all - and I can only offer what worked for me. And it certainly has.

If your skin is upsetting you, then your GP may be persuaded to prescribe a course of Oxytetrcyclin, which clears up "Middle Aged Acne" or Rosacea quite well.

They're simple things, but if you're feeling physically under par, then that too will not help your self esteem.

Have you condiered going for a course of massage? A once weekly trip to a massusse for around 6 weeks, and then a top up of a visit a month would probably boost your confidence immensley; it would also, without you even needing to discuss it with your therapist, help you to learn to accept your body. It's totally non sexual, but it is sensuous; they're two totally differnt aspects of the personality, but they can be interlinked. Start off with learning your sensuality.

It's "me" time, it's absolutely wonderful, and if at first you cannot justify to yourself to allow yourself what is rightfully yours, persuade yourself you are doing it for someone else; your friend Nefarati.

You know? The one who's going through an uncertain patch, and deserves a bit of TLC and care and support. I have no doubt you care deeply for your friends and wold help them any way you could - so how about applying that care to the person who's been with you through thick and thin - yourself? She deserve an acknowledgement and something wonderful and tangible to show your appreciation of her.

Hi

Just checking in to see how you are.

Everything OK?

I'm OK! There's just very much of Life happening to me at the moment...

Work is crazy, but at least my husband has cheered up significantly, I am standing up for myself and getting what I ask for.... Seems sometimes you need only ask!

Thanks for your tips on many things. It's not so bad, I think many of the symptoms are down to the cold I've had for a month, which may linger so long due to stress, which I'm finally dealing with...

Take care!

QN

I am amazed at this wonderful discussion we had, so many years ago. Thanks for being there.
I would love to know how you are doing now.

QN