h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Tell your gig related horror stories here!

OK then.

1) Singer/guitarist gets a tad too close to the criminally dodgily wired microphone connected to the criminally unearthed PA, makes lip contact with said microphone and jumps several feet back into the drummer's kit. The drummer's kit proceeds to fall through the criminally structurally flawed drum riser. Best drum solo the drummer ever played.

Being young, ignorant and over excited we set everything up again and carried on regardless.

2) A secluded pub in the Kent countryside books a band, a band that are clearly described as 'alternative rock/metal' (this was in the days when Jane's Addiction were still alternative)/ The band turns up to a quiet, largely empty pub manned by a large, mostly irritated looking barman.

The band sets up while the bar man looks more irritated.

The band has a quick drink while the barman starts to look menacing.

The band starts the soundcheck and the barman reaches behind the bar, pulls out a shotgun, pints it in the direction of the band and shouts,

'YOU LOT CAN RIGHT NOW! I'm not having any of that IN HERE!'

The band break several records for packing up, get in the van and scarper, leaving their half finished pints behind them.

Blimey! Next time I go to Kent I'm taking my shuriken!

O.k. Brighton, 2002, probably a 500 or so capacity venue, Godspeedyoublackemperor gig. Packed. If you don't know godspeed its sort of accumulative orchestral punk. The songs are very long. The first song at this gig felt like about forty minutes. And just as the last note faded but before the applause some bloke at back shouted "Rubbish!"
har har har

Second song they play about ten minutes in one of their drummers ( band is a twelve piece or something) starts walking through the crowd with a snare drum and one big wolly ended drum stick just hitting the drum on the beat. About 4 metres from where I'm stood this hippy girl swipes his flippin' drum stick. She moved like a snake. A scene you normally only see in play-grounds then took place with this surly ginger dude trying to grab his stick back and cussing in canadian whilst this girl hides it behind her back or sticks it up in the air, all the while imploring this guy to let her keep it. The drummer goes bright red and then WHACK, punches the girl straight armed in the face. She goes down hard almost taking a few of her mates with her. Everyone nearby starts booing this guy but no-one's going anywhere near him. He's bright red with ginger hair and beard and he looks a bit like the satan. The band sort of realise somethings up and grind to a halt and one of them starts telling people to calm down but people are shouting back and it takes about five minutes before they get the drummer back on stage and start up again.

By this point everyone's pissed off, people start going home and the vibe is pretty much ruined.

I was once rugby-tackled into the drums by an over-enthusiastic audience member, who ran off immediately. Thankfully, he wasn't Mark Chapman, otherwise it could've been much worse. Our guitarist actually met the guy a few years later and he didn't know why he'd done it.

Heat of the moment

I've got another one. Open mic night at the local music pub, in a hastily formed band. I'm rocking my drum machine, my friend is playing acoustic and some dude we just met is on the horn. We're on second to last, pub is quite full. We launch into our first and only number, a totally unrehearsed drum'n'bass (without the bass) version of the theme to diagnosis murder. I spent the whole time looking at my drum machine. This trumpet dude is mental it turns out, and seems to think he's Charlie Parker. My kick drum is rattling pints of guinness on the front tables. My poor chum is having trouble getting heard and has to play his guitar so hard his fingers bleed. Rock and roll. we finnish and when I look up the pub is almost completely empty apart from about six very, very cross looking people. Four of them are the last band. Who are really good in a sweetly harmonic way.

Unfortunately I read most of that post in a bit of a haze. You can't post a sentence like 'drum'n'bass (without the bass) version of the theme to diagnosis murder' and expect people to pay attention!

You sick, twisted, evil genius.

We got a chance to play in one of the big Venues in Bristol once; only one short set, about 8 songs.

Unfortunately, our drummer had chosen that particular day to kick his amphetamine habit. We got about half-way through the first song before he collapsed in a sweaty panting heap

Did he explode shortly afterwards?

Sadly, no. Didn't last much longer as our drummer following that little episode though