h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Minnesotans are leadfoots.

Stop signs mean slow down to look to see if there's anyone coming from the cross streets, and if not, speed back up.

Driving under the speed limit is not recommended unless the road you're on is full of potholes or you are behind a city bus that's blocking your lane and most of the other side as well.

Beware of Wisconsin drivers who are paranoid that a policeman is watching and are thus going at a good five miles under the posted limit.

Traffic lights are followed in the method of that green signals stomp on the accelerator, yellow means speed up, and red is slam on your breaks because you were too busy trying to make it throught the yellow to slow down before. Rushing through a intersection when the opposing direction's light is about to turn red is a common habit, especially with the Boomers.

The streets in Minneapolis are straight, mostly, and run at right angles in cardinal directions, or a strange diagonal pattern running roughly parallel to the river. Blocks are laid out approximately one tenth of a mile in length, so distance is often easy to calculate. Roads are labelled mostly by numbers radiating out from Central (North-South direction) and Main (East-West direction). To aid in confusing the motorist, however, many streets are one-ways or change from two to one direction and back or diverge to meet an awkwardly laid cross street in ways not known to rational people.

In St. Paul the streets are laid out with no respect to direction or ease of movement. There is a hint of following old land markings such as hills and all, but don't expect it. Roads seem to have been added for the convienience of farmers and shop keepers and be darned all those fools in their cars. It is entirely possible to do a complete loop around the city on a couple of the back streets without ever turning around or exiting onto a side street. Streets also abruptly end and begin again a few miles down, though not necessarily in the same direction.

The suburbs are a disaster area, as some try to follow the pattern of one or the lack of it in the other. Many of the newer suburbs suffer from a lack of service stations, as all the developers were keen on building condos and track housing and ignored basics such as gasoline and groceries.

Here,here! That about sums it up for MN driving, folks! But that's just in-city driving; you've forgotten to mention the FREEWAYS! Now that's an experience. There are freeways in MN that have their own character based on where they go and thus the types of commuters that drive on them....but usual MN freeway etiquette includes the following:

Speed Limits: many drivers do not follow speed limit rules - the speed limit is technically 55-60, unless you're going up north where it can be 75. Realistically, it's whatever you want it to be (usually 75 to 90 to, yeah, I've seen people trying out for NASCAR occasionally), unless of course a cop is seen in which case everyone SLOWS way down until out of seeing (or perhaps radar) range and then back to the 'ol lead foot it goes

Accidents: whenever there is an accident (or even someone having gotten pulled over), it's customary to crawl at snail's pace by the scene to check for dead bodies, the condition of the cars, or God knows what else

Merging: what? there are people who know how to _merge_ into traffic correctly in MN? Naw! Usually you'll get a nice horn greeting from the car behind you to let you know that you should be off the entrance ramp by now, frantically trying to gun the engine to avoid being rear-ended by vehicles throttling toward you at 75+ MPH. And then there are those who crawl onto the freeway when caution is not due (when there is an actual entrance lane or traffic is not too heavy), and switch lanes or simply pull out in front of someone and then not speed up to match traffic, forcing the person behind to slam on their brakes

Switching lanes: No turn signal, no glance in mirror or at blind spot, and you could slide a credit card through the space between your car and theirs

Exit Only lanes: Oops! I'm in the wrong lane, I don't want to exit here! There was a sign a mile back? Oh, well! I'll just blindly swerve in front of these kind folks (as I'm 1/4 of the way onto the exit ramp!) - out of towners are excepted from this

Turn signals: Unfortunately, many MN cars didn't come equipped with the turn-signal package - or the driver ran out of signal fluid - either is a possible explanation

Although there are courteous drivers in MN - and we're grateful when we see them - these may be more the norm than the exception.

And now some more practical tips.

Right Turn On Red Light - Permitted after full stop (in theory) except at many intersections in Minneapolis (the translation "City of Lakes" is actually a cover-up for "City of No Right Turn on Red") and a few intersections in other locations where the sign says (what else) "No Right Turn On Red." Minnesota also has the special variation "No Right Turn On Red When School/Crossing Guard Present" at which right turn on red after full stop is permitted when the kiddies aren't around.

Left Turn On Red Light - Permitted after full stop from a one-way street to a leftward one-way street. Definitely NOT permitted into a rightward one-way street. Also prohibited at many intersections in Minneapolis, despite the fact that it is 10:30 at night and no one else is around when you wonder what the heck are you waiting for.

Left Turn Arrow - If you have a left turn arrow and you are in the left-turn lane you have the right of way, so after taking half a second to make sure that some NASCAR wannabe isn't zooming across on his or her red light, quickly start the left turn so the five cars behind you in the left turn lane can make it before the red arrow (or the green circle, which means, take your chances during gaps in the oncoming traffic, if you dare). Special Variation (recently approved): Due to the low weight of motorcycles on in-road sensors that trigger a green left arrow, motorcycles are allowed to make a left turn through a red arrow after waiting for three minutes (I think, or maybe it was five).

Yield to Pedestrians in Crosswalk (Sort Of) - Minnesota's lawmakers got creative on this one. At any intersection, whether there is a marked crosswalk or not, yield to the pedestrian who is attempting to cross. But this requires the cooperation of oncoming drivers (hopefully not in your lane) and of drivers in adjoining lanes. And pedestrians are supposed to avoid making cars come to a screeching halt to let them cross. So just watch those pedestrians and if you see 'em, give 'em a chance if you can, and don't get upset if they just turn out to be waiting at a bus stop. Routinely ignored by 80% of drivers. Enforcement, people! Enforcement!

"Slower Traffic Keep Right." - Doesn't really work within Twin Cities Metro Area (Interstates 694-494 loop) because of many left exits and entrances. Your life is in your hands when you drive but don't go 75 to get out of the way of the guy going 80 if it makes you uncomfortable. But in those long stretches out in "Greater Minnesota," do try to avoid lingering in the left lane.

Metered Freeway Ramp Secret - Not everyone knows this, but if you come to a metered freeway entrance ramp at which the lights are going through the green-yellow-red cycle, if there are no cars waiting, you can legally go through without stopping. That saves a couple of cars behind you from stopping also, because, hey, if you're not stopped there, no traffic waiting, so they can zoom through as well.

Snow Emergency Parking Restrictions - What? Are you crazy? Visiting Minnesota in winter? Get out of here! Otherwise any time it snows more than 3 inches in the big cities or 2 inches in the suburbs, aggressively seek out info from the newspapers, radio and TV news and city hot-lines to find out what the rules are. Most suburbs plow in a day or less, Saint Paul has a 2-stage 24 hour system and Minneapolis has a 3-stage 36- to 48-hour system that the new Mayor hasn't managed to alter (traditions die hard). Or you can learn the expensive way when you pick up your car at the impound lot. Sorry.

And Finally - the "Ducks Crossing" diamond sign - Yes, Minnesota's got'em. Please let Mommy Duck across from Pond A to Pond B when she has all her ducklings in a row. And let the nice stranger herd them across the road. Don't feed them, either (the ducks I mean - you can feed the stranger if you want, but not to the ducks, please). Quack! Quack!

When you cross the state boundry line into Minnesota, many ideas that most people would take as common sense are abandoned almost immediately.

For instance, let's say that you're driving down a highway called HWY 23 (There isn't a HWY 23 that I know of, but we'll use it anyway). After a few minutes, you may notice that for reasons not apparent to anyone without at least six terminal degrees in trafficology you are suddenly on, say, County Road 72. This happened without any turns, signs, or even curves in the road.

This is a very common happening in Minnesota, simply because the organization of the roads makes less sense than a stuttering drunkard underwater.

In the context of our story, you may be driving on HWY 23 and not notice that if you want to continue driving on HWY 23, you have to take a random left turn which takes you in some completely different direction. Also, the road that was HWY 23 will, without any visible change, suddenly become, say, County Road 72. Later on, another road, say Interstate 17, will merge with county road 72 and become the abomination known, cleverly, as Interstate 17/County Road 72. This, too, will not have any reason, but that's okay, because a few miles down they will invariably split. You will then have no idea what road you are on, but will eventually end up on, say, Forrester Lane, which will turn out to be another name for HWY 23.

This scenario occurrs regularly in Minnesota, and the best way to get through it is to go with the flow and not think about it. There are many variations of the scenario above, where three roads can merge into one, or one road can have three different names, and so on and so forth. It's best not to argue until you have arrived at your destination.

Having lived in both Minnesota and Florida, I would say that it is far safer to drive in Florida. (I currently reside in North Carolina, which is mostly harmless)

In Florida, you pretty much know that everyone will drive badly, and can thus act accordingly, particularly when all you can see in the car is a shock of blue hair and a set of white knuckles on the wheel. I once had the joy of leaving a year's worth of rubber on the pavement when such a car dutifully stopped at a stop sign and then started on without looking for any cars (like mine) rapidly approaching.

In Minnesota, you never have any idea which drivers are bad (unless there are Iowa plates on the car), and if you try to drive with any degree of caution you will be rapidly run over. This is particularly true with the twin cities (Minneapolis/Saint Paul), where the little roads are treacherous and the big ones (the interstates) can be like playing Jai Alai on speed.

Be careful and be safe!