h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You've made a baby. Created a new life. Well done. From what I hear the chances of that happening are astronomical - hundreds of millions of sperm start the journey, only a dozen or two actually make it as far as the egg, if they even get past the mucus plug that seals off the cervix for most of month. You must be very proud, and you, the mother, must be very glad the pregnancy and birth is over with. I'm happy for you.

So you've started a family. Or perhaps you already started one and are trying to complete the collection. Do you have the full set now - one boy, one girl and a cat? What a journey you have to look forward to. Children can be such a joy, although I wonder if you might think so by the time they reach their teenage years.

However, before they reach that part of their development they'll go through several stages of childhood, including the one your child is at right now - neonatal. A baby. A very young baby. With demands. For food and sleep, mostly. Now, I'm sure you've realised by now that when babies need food they make a noise, and they often make a noise afterwards too if they ate too quickly, and they make a noise when they're uncomfortable.

Your baby is making a noise right now. A very, very loud noise. In fact it's been making a loud noise for quite a while. Ten or fifteen minutes I'd say. So let me ask you this. Do you really think it's such a good idea to bring such a young baby, who I'd say can't be more than a month or two old, into a bar/restaurant? I mean, I know you have a life to lead and perhaps don't want to be stuck in the house for months and months while the baby starts its journey through life, but I have to tell you - that rather comes with the job, and parents have been doing that for a very long time now.

I'm sure that family and friends coo with affection when you take your bundle of joy to their homes, but maybe it would have been a good idea to wait just a little longer before taking it to places where people gather socially, and if the baby is going to start screeching at a level which makes conversation difficult for those around you, and which could quite easily be described as a noise that can peel wallpaper, it's considered good form to remove the source of the noise, because it can be quite annoying, as I'm sure you've discovered when the baby wakes up and demands its 4am feed.

But that's all part of being a parent.

I wish you and new family well. I hope your child is a credit to you and turns out to be someone you can be proud of, and has children of their own, but all of us who are currently being... assaulted is too strong a word, as is pinned against the wall, but you get my drift - by the sound of your baby's crying would hope that you'll be a bit more considerate and civic-minded in the future.

Amen!

oh yes. That.

I nearly physically (rather than virtually) slapped a woman who brought a baby to the Saturday evening 8:30pm showing of the 2nd thor film.

When the Gruesomes were small we missed out on doing loads of stuff. Now they are big we do a lot more in the evenings and weekends. And what do my younger workmates, with small children say? "oh it's ok for you..." which gets my goat as they were the ones moaning at me for not being able to do stuff after work while the gruesomes were small and they were all childless.

When I go out to eat and I'm asked whether I prefer the smoking or non-smoking area, I often ask if they have a no-crying-baby section. It usually coincides with the smoking section and even where smoking sections are still available, most people don't smoke while eating so I usually sit in smoking.


The worst experience I've had was at a cinema for the opening night of South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, the most X-rated of all R-rated films ever. Down front was a couple with 7 children including two newborns. One of the newborns started crying halfway into the movie. After at least five minutes, the mother finally stood up to walk out with the cryer, or at least we thought she was walking out, but instead she just went to the vomitorium and stood there where she could still watch the movie and we could still hear the screamer. This went on for another five minutes. When she returned to her seat the other newborn started shrieking and she just took it back to where she stood before, where the walls would amplify the brat's screams. They apparently were offended by the film (by a racial joke) about 15 minutes from the end and left the theater to a round of applause.

it always amazes me that people really don't get their faces punched more often in scenarios like that

It always amazes me that there isn't just more random villence on the street/out in public, towards utter inconsiderate or rude people.... Heck I'm practically a pacifist thesedays, but even I was so* close in the supermarket a few weeks ago... a Lady, in the queue, well, sort of coming up to the queue, clearly believing her urgency and needs were more than anyone elses, and she virtually pushed through William... I was so* damn close to... But... well I guess in teh same way, I'm too polite and well-mannered to ramondly punch rude people in public

"Practically" a pacifist? Tell us about the non-pacifist bit Punched any good celebs lately?

What really narks me is that condescending look and the 'you don't have children, do you?' sort of half smile when you dare mention that little Charlie is really quite an annoying little git.

No, we don't have children: No, we don't intend to have children. That does not mean that we do not like children, that children are not an important part of our lives, that our lives do not involve children for a good few hours a day.

But I know how I behaved as a child. I know how the children in my life are expected to and sort of behave.

Your little Charlie is still an annoying little git!

Git is such a splendid word. As is splendid

you have to say "splended" in your best Stephen Fry voice.

That "oh, you don't have children, do you?" is something that makes the slapping hand twitchy. I've had it recently when I asked someone if they needed a hand with whatever it was they were doing that prevented them from wrangling their todddler (in a bookshop - she had a baby in a pushchair too). To be greeted with "he's just being a child and you'd know that if you had experience"

hahahaha. Poor lady. It was a good slapdown. I was really sad I didn't get a round of applause afterwards

I've not punched anyone, celib or otterwise, in ... hmm.... a decade I think, or more. having said which, I was hit over the head with an umbrella today, in the cafe. but I predicted the umbrella hitting my head before it did, and was not only prepared, but had kinda contrived to make it happen, in a strange way. (and yes, the being hit over the head by an umbrella got some very strange looks from people on neighbouring tables ) Mind... I might occasionallyly, by accident sort of, accidentially push my shoulder slightly more than entirely required, when I notice soemone trying to walk through me... I consider that though, to be entirely of their own doing, and thereby not a break from my otterwise entirely pacifist stance, and non-vilent nature even if they end up falling over

I thought people being hit by umbrellas only happened in short lived BBC sit-coms - Truly splendid!


We live in Cyprus, very close to many tourist resorts. Out for a family meal last week, we had 3 generations having a lively celebration, lots of talking and toasts. A family over the other side of the restaurant had 2 children - perhaps 7 & 5 - who ran amok around the whole restaurant, fighting, screaming, being sworn at when they got too noisy for their family but ignored round any other table. It got to the stage where my Dad had to have a word with the parents who got completely narky and said that their kids were having fun on holiday (so why were they constantly fighting & crying??) and didn't he understand how children were?

Dad pointed out my niece and nephew, aged 8 & 5, who had eaten dinner with us, run amok at the soft play area provided by the restaurant, wandered back in when they asked for a drink or wanted one of us to come and play with them. No fighting, screaming or swearing required. They are not angels, but they know how to behave!

William and I live a life, akin to a BBC sit-com... a sort of strange mix of steampunk, with oo a bit of 1300s thrown in, and some 'British Empire' esk neuances, mixed with, plain Monty Python-esk and blackadder-esk utter mentalness, to create a if not Truly splendid, then unique blend of the arcaine and plain peculiar! - Bearing in Mind Cambridge is often a bit non-mainstream in some of the folk who live here, but despite which, we've been asked to be have photos of us taken, by random passer-bys on more than one occasion though that is probably mainly due to our hats.... and probably the umbrella, or something Once I've got a place with a garden, and built a castle in it... we'll be turely outsane Hmm. err, bit off topic