h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You may wish to suggest to the ugly duck of Godmanchester that he (should it not be "drake", by the way) joins "The Swallow Health Club" in nearby Huntingdon. I am myself "A Swallower" and can assure you and him that there are plenty of ugly ducks there every day hoping to turn themselves into beautiful swans. Membership fees are reasonable - particularly "off peak" - or, in his case "Off beak" I suppose. There is a very nice pool for him to swim in and the requisite torture chamber, of course. There are also many beauty therapies available - including the " CACI" treatment. This is a mystery to me and I would appreciate some enlightenment.

Dearest Dotty; you may be forgiven (at a pinch) for your assumption, but the lonely beast I referred to is not me. As for the whole drake thing (pots and kettles...) you're quite right of course but it just doesn't have the same ring to it...
BTW, I strongly suggest that you research this CACI thing as it sounds most intriguing, (not that you need it of course). And I wouldn't go around describing yourself to all and sundry as "a swallower", people might get the wrong idea. Quack.

The Ugly Duck is a fraud!!!

I have reason to believe that this is not the original ugly duck in the Godmanchester vicinity.

The original looked much worse, and sneezed violently throughout winter. The beak of a Muscovy duck is clearly designed to allow sneezing, as you will know if you've ever been close enough to observe, they have protruding nostrils, and certainly in the case of the Ugly Duck's predecessor, these were enlarged from that particular pursuit. The original Ugly Duck was actually called Norman, and in actual fact he had more mates than many of the other, less distinguishable Godmanchester ducks. He ate mostly bread but was very partial to treacle tart.

However I believe fowl play (Arf arf) must have been involved because there is now no sign of Norman - the imposter is much better looking and doesn't sneeze.

Perhaps Norman has designed some advanced regeneration technoloogy that humans have yet to discover.

Either way we should certainly not write him off on account of being a duck.

The ugly thing stands, however.