h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have always agreed with Ben Elton when he said that all an Olympic Medal proves is that you are able to do something of no use to anyone slightly better than everyone else.
A case in point would be the 100m swimming. The pool is 50m long. I believe that if pursued by a shark or crocodile the ability to swim very fast would useful. However the ability to turn and swim back to where you came from is now less than useless.
I could go on and mention the long jump, or the high jump( we have elevators now!) and indeed most of the events but I'd be more interested in seeing what events should be included.
My own suggestion is that all the major athletes should be brought to my local and we could see who could get the barman's attention while the snooker is on.......

And why have weightlifting when you can see who can carry bags of groceries home from the supermarket

A suggestion in work today was "Shouting very loudly" one guy suggested "Standing very still" but he has a very limited imagination.

hmmm.

How about tests for how quickly you can command the attention of a hyperactive four-year old? Running for the bus? How quickly you can get cash from an ATM machine (with closing time fast approaching)?

I liked the ATM machine. My sister suggests getting dressed while brushing your teeth, eating breakfast, making your lunch and telling the boss how you're stuck in traffic.
I prefer the simpler events. I have a vision of competitors from all over the world coming together in Dublin's Temple Bar and trying to get into nightclubs at 2am with 15 pints inside them. Obviously getting into a seedy club would be for bronze while getting into U2's club having convinced the bouncer that not alone did you know the band (note every one in Dublin knows or went to school with or lived next door to U") but that you write their songs. Now no matter how far you can throw a specially designed javelin is Gold medal stuff.

Another way of looking at it is that when Mark Spitz was doing his useless vocation he never felt the need to ask people whether they liked his race or wait for the reviews to be published.

Bet he still got people saying that they didn't like his stroke just _there_ and his turns could use some work

I don't think anything is free from criticism, but I agree it's probably one of the better jobs to be doing.

Another sport to go in the olympics, getting out of bed,dressing, and answering the door before the caller walks off... (would have been useful this morning )

How about the 'the phone's ringing/someone's leaving a message, I'm outside a locked door with full hands' event. You get to demonstrate coordination and speed at the same time

How about trying to close the window on the computer showing H2G2, open a file you should be working on and looking like you're not watching the boss strolling behind you.