h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I know women never tell the truth about their ages, but how far away from 23 are you? Are you from the BIG BANG Burger Chef timeline?

Not saying. Just trying not to leave a wrong impression.

Oh go on, give us a clue...

Certainly

0<A<146 where A is Amy's age.

What's the average life expectancy of an ant, anyway?

I don't think the term "life expectancy" applies to pan-dimensional beings.

Doesn't the life expectancy of the ant depend on what type of ant it is? OR since ant swarms are super-organisms, perhaps the life expectancy of the queen is the important thing. OR since, in most species of ants, the whole nest is doomed once the queen's dead, perhaps it's the life expectancy of the colony that's important. Amy's the ant, so what does Amy say?

The life expectancy of an average ant is probably greater than the life expectancy of an average mugwump. But I'm not an average ant. Are you an average mugwump -- if that's what you really are? Of course you could be Mugwump the Salamander in disguise. That would (a) make sense and (b) change everything.

Well, I don't know about that. My average life expectancy will be however long I live because I'm not an average mugwump. All the mugwumps I've ever met have been very stuck-up, self-important specimens so I don't mix with them (and they don't want to know me) - their loss!

So you're not average either then? Are you a queen? If so, I humbly beg your pardon for being so forward as to enquire - it's so hard to tell without recourse to pheromones.

I might be in disguise - sort of working undercover so to speak but, since it's you, I'll let you know how you can tell, for future reference. Mugwumps are vertical (when they're awake) and salamanders are horizontal except sometimes when they're swimming and trying to get something very stubborn out from under a rock. I'm vertical but a bit cold and clammy to the touch - that's how you tell.

It's been nice talking to you, your highness (or your unusualness). May you live long and may your nest prosper.

*scratches head thoughtfully*

You've been thinking a lot in the last 20 minutes EV go careful or you'll burn yourelf out.

I don't mean to interfere but scratching your head thoughtfully like that could be mistaken for stridulations by an ant, who might take some action in response to what you seem to be saying. Actually, forget what I just said, if it does sound like stridulations, as a part of ant language, it's likely to come out as complete gibberish. Sorry to have interrupted your thoughts.

*strokes antennae thoughtfully*

Misunderstandings of that sort between entities are rare because we nearly all have babelfish

However, I can see how might cause you some difficulty.



I like the idea of "unusualness" as an entity-title

I am not a queen. Please consult my Guide Entry on Pharaoh Ants for further explanation.

I'm going to have a look at your guide entry. I'm just trying to visualise an ant making use of a bable fish. It conjures up an interesting image, I can tell you.

Babelfish come in all sizes. I use one of those newfangled microscopic ones myself. You know the type with the top that flips open.

I had a look at your guide entry. Lovely! Lovely pictures too. I had a close look at your side view but couldn't quite see the bable fish so, as you say, it must be absolutely microscopic. Will you add to the entry - tell us more about your family and their habits?

I see what you mean about not being an average ant. I think pharaoh queens live for about 9 or 10 months but you must already be older than that - and you're a worker! Although you freely admit to frequenting bars and restaurants, there's no mention of your family's recently acquired habit of squatting in the walls of kitchens - especially in some of the more salubrious abodes in London. You might also mention your expansionist military ambitions. And . . . how should I put this (with as much delicacy as I can muster), we, your public, would like to know about the pharaoh ants' methods of reproduction and colonisation of new areas. I note with interest that you eat pizza and drink red wine (both excellent choices) but do other pharaohs? In short, this is fascinating stuff and the Mugwump for one and probably many many others, would like to know more.

Thank you for your kind words, Mugwump. Would you care to copy and paste some of it into a new forum for my Pharaoh Ant article? That way I can separate the questions about ants from the completely inexplicable interest in my vintage.

Amy .

Certainly! You've found the right Mugwump for the job. Might take a few minutes or a few hours. I keep getting cut off (b..... ISP's). Anyway, consider the job done - soonishly.