h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

not by me...

Today was my dad's funeral. It was also my mum's birthday which made it extremely hard for all of us, but especially her. She'd requested no flowers to be sent to the crematorium (apart from the one from her, my bro and me, the one from the Blues and Royals association and one from 15 Brigade) but of course she received many birthday bouquets (including one from my lovely and the Gruesome Twosome)

We'd arranged a humanist ceremony which has meant the last few days have been discussing what would be said (none of us felt able to speak) and when my dad's 3 daft mates would do their bit. At mum's request my dad was laid out and cremated in his beautiful Mess Kit.

My brother's stepson, and my brother acted as 2 of the pallbearers and I'm glad they did because at first I didn't think they would manage it. They asked me if I wanted to but I'd said no, and it was just as well because when we saw the hearse I got all girly . Not much help to my mum (my sister in law was fab and I have a new appreciation of her which has been a long time overdue I think)

My dad's army nickname, and long after, for most people, was Tex and he loved cowboy books and films. The music that mum chose for us to enter the crematorium was The Big Country which made us all smile. The lady from the Humanist Society did her piece well, and then it was time for my dad's 3 friends (they make up a sort of gang, 4 men and their wives - all ex military of some form or another) to do a sort of stand up routine which went down a storm. Not sure if it's a no-no but I filmed it on my phone and will share it with those who couldn't attend (a lot of our family went down with 'flu this week )as well as anyone who was there and wants a reminder)

Then came the comittal - and then while the curtains closed around the coffin a bugler played the Last Post. Now that little ditty always makes me at least a little. But it also reminds me of the 4 years we spent in Windsor - just about all of my junior school years - when we heard the Revaille every morning at 6am as the flag was hoist, and the Last Post every night at 10pm as it was struck (the married quarters were immediately next to the camp, ours was quite close to the parade ground). We left the crematorium to Matt Munro singing Softly as You Leave (I think it was that)

After the ceremony there was tea and sandwiches in the rooms available (it really is a beautifully laid out crematorium) and then some of us went to the pub for a drink before everyone had to leave. When my brother took his lot home, I took mum back to her house, we then walked to the pub and had dinner.

Not much of a birthday celebration, and even though I've been here for two weeks I really don't feel I've done much to help.

Tomorrow she'll be mostly on her own - it's her idea that I go to the meet. Sunday I'm flying home but she's coming to the airport with me. As a friend of mine pointed out, it's actually easier to say goodbye to someone at a transit place like an airport, or station, rather than waving them goodbye on their doorstep. So if anyone sees a sad, grey-haired lady on the transpenine on Sunday evening please give her a smile.

Who the heck is going to argue with me about the difference between a howizer and a gun now?

We did him proud though, and I finally spoke to a lot of my cousins that I haven't seen since I was about 10.

Sho, he will be smiling on you all

That was a great tribute, Sho - I nearly feel like I know him a bit after reading it. There's one thing I'll guarantee you though - you'll have done a lot more to help, just by being there for the past two weeks, than you're aware of.

This happens very, very seldom... but I am speechless. That sounds like a beautiful memorial.

Very moving Sho.

What an emotional weekend you are having. Please give your Mum lots of - and one from me.

I can't begin to imagine what a "stand-up" routine at a memorial service would be like. Please try and describe it when you get a mo.

My parents have always loved to entertain (dinner parties etc) and have always been famous for their hospitality. This goes right back to my childhood when I can remember coming downstairs at about 7am (I would have been about 8 or 9) to find my parents and several of their friends, in dressing gowns in the middle of a game of strip-poker, drinking champagne and eating bacon butties... all from a dinner party from the night before.

At some point about 12 years ago my dad mmet a couple of men through work, one taking over his job the other one of his contacts and they all got on really well. Their wives all got on when they met up and they sort of formed into a "gang" (they now have puffin badges and call themselves the Puffin Club but that's a whole other story). They entertain at their houses (usually over a weekend) for any excuse - especially birthdays, anniversaries etc, and have been away together to France, to Lanzarotte, to Ireland - for up to a week at a time. More recently another pair have joined them, he's an ex-naval petty officer.

My dad was fairly good at formal stuff and for a proper dinner party at his place insisted on collar and tie and smart clothes for the ladies. Once they were in Lanzarotte and he said, dress for dinner chaps and they were all "eh? it's shorts & t-shirts" and my dad and mum brought out t-shirts with a DJ and bow tie design for the men and sparkly tiaras for the ladies. Once they all went go-karting, hot air balooning, dog racing...

That's for background.

The three chaps stood up, came to the front and told a few of these stories, mentioned my dad's famous (gigantic) gin 'n' tonics, then they mentioned the t-shirts, turned around and took off their shirts and ties and did the rest of the routine in the t-shirts (the ladies put their tiaras on, but mum was a bit sad that she hadn't known about that and didn't have hers with her). They sang Alouette to remind my mum about the time they sang that in france and shocked the neighbours for using a wrong word which was a bit rude... (shocked in that all the neighbours invited them to the pub with them realising they weren't your average English hooligans). They told a few more stories, and everyone was literally crying with laughter.

Then they did a bit of a quiz about my Dad which was great. Then finally the ex-naval guy did a Naval toast to him and they sat down.

He would have absolutely loved that.

Sounds absolutely delightful

I'm sure he loved every second of it

Sho, both accounts have brought tears to my eyes. You sound like a wonderful family and you gave him a fabulous send off. It reminded me a little of my husband's funeral which was a little unorthodox to suit his personality.

As a recent widow I can tell you your presence would mean a huge amount to your Mum. When you suddenly find yourself alone after many years of being someone's 'other half' it can be quite a shock and I know the support of family meant everything to me.

So sorry for your loss but it sounds as if you have some wonderful memories to sustain you.

Please give a to your Mum and tell her to wear the tiara, she deserves it.



Websailor

Sounds like a proud send-off for your Dad. We had a few near misses with my Dad in the last few months and I suppose morbidly, as he survived them, I've thought about his funeral a lot lately.

I'd like to think I would sum him up as well as you and your family and his friends did your Dad.

Love to your Mum from a random stranger for her birthday, must have been very hard xx

thank you - WS, sorry for your loss, I can only begin to scratch the surface of imagining what it's like for you and my mum

Deakie - it may sound morbid but if your dad would be up for it... I wish I'd talked more to my dad about how he'd like it to have been done. I rather suspect (since i know he and my mum discussed it a couple of times) that it is exactly how it went.

It sounds like a very fitting send-off Sho

So glad it has given you something positive to remember from what is a horrible time.

You did him proud, Sho, and I can hear the strains of "Softly As I Leave You" by Matt Monro as I read the replies, most appropriate choice as he was also an Army lad A49713375

Having been through it with my Mum I can tell you that just your presence will have helped and don't feel guilty going home today, she will have the memories to look back on and will probably appreciate some time alone now to sift through them.


GB

poor love, she looked all little and lost as I went through the security gate. But... well, she'll have to get used to it, and that's all there is to it. But we'll Skype and hopefully in the summer I'll get over with and the Gruesome Twosome.

It was wonderful to meet you last night.

You wrote a lovely tribute and it sounds just like something your dad would have enjoyed.