h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Or is she just reflecting me? Or is she just an angry soul? Could it be that we are so similar that we just wind each other up?

less than 7 days after her birthday party, and still before her birthday (a time when she's usually a model daughter: I recognise cupboard love when I see it) I'm a monster and she hates me. She wants to cut herself so she bleeds to death to make me sorry.

I have no idea where all this is coming from. One thing is sure: the periods between angry at me attacks and the calm periods is getting shorter.

I'm not sure I can cope with this any more.

Ah, bollocks.

Hope you don't mind that I've got you on my friend's list Sho - if it's intrusive, I'll go back to the thread.

As Mums, we always feel that we must be the root cause of our children's unhappiness - the old Guilt Thing. But is there anything else going on in your daughter's life that might be causing this? eg something at school/nursery/childminder?

I found with my brood that they very quickly discovered which buttons to push to get a reaction from me.

Children can become very scared by their own behaviour and at your daughter's age they still think that they can have a direct effect on what's happening around them and they're responsible for absolutely everything. I'm not explaining this very well - as an example, I can tell you that it took me years to get over feeling that I'd caused my father's death when I was eight!

It's hard to stay calm with kids when you're tired/angry/worried/etc. Just keep telling yourself what a Good Mother you are - which is evident from your postings - and cut yourself some slack now and again.


ps - If you have any insights on what to do with Difficult Teenage Sons - I could do with some help there!

Be honest: Didn't you have thoughts like that (or maybe even say things like that) when you were that age?

If you can't remember, ask your mum. Or ask around, if anyone else did it. I'm sorry, I didn't, but I'm rather a non-rebellious type myself, just do as I am told and don't question it. My sister packed all her dolls and tried running away at age 8, and I can imagine she had extreme thoughts of that kind, too.

Feelings like that are definitely hormone-driven, as they are the beginnings of "leaving the nest". Just as the change of life can take 10 years, so can puberty. You're in for a lot of tears and fights over the next few years. Don't give way, turn the other cheek, raise your fists and give her something to fight with. She might end up Prime Minister. You'll certainly have a good laugh about it by the time she's 20 or so.

Thank your lucky stars she's passionate and doesn't bottle things up. The fact that this passion expresses itself in this way is not really very significant, and probably quite usual, I would say. Her little world is quite limited at the moment, and she's looking for something to rebel against, so has picked on the nearest thing, i.e. Mum.

Well, that's what I reckon, but I haven't got any daughters. I reckon it's part of your own growing up process as a person and mother, too. I certainly have learned from my DTS's.

6-7 year olds can really be quite unpleasant to be around. In my opinion it's a much harder age than the so called "Terrible Twos" which I actually enjoyed. I'll just put my psych hat on for a moment and then my mum one.

World famous child psychologist Piaget knew this age was significant. It's a change in their cogitive functioning. In his terms it marks the transition from Stage 2 (preoperational) thought, characterised by a child's inability to think about things from any other point of view than their own (eg if they shut their eyes they think you can't see them) into Stage 3 (concrete operational) characterised by the ability to reason in a more abstract way, so that they are able to think a problem through in their heads and arrive at a solution.

I've oversimplified of course. Piaget maybe overestimated the age of this transition (he said about 7) but not the real and actual change. The whole of the British education system revolves around his theories, so that at 7 children make the change from infant to Primary. The next change in Piagetian terms is at around 11 and it is also the age when children go to seconday school.

With mum hat on.. get used to it! There is a German phrase "Strum und Drang" which is used to describe it. She's just started and TC's right. 10 years to go. At least. Much Strum und Drang in my house with 2 teenage daughters.

Perhaps we can play musical kids over the hols? I'll swap my 2 lumpen grumpy teenage girls. Anyone got a good deal? They sleep a lot (Sunshine did 20 hours the other day and 13-15 is quite usual for both) watch TV when they are up and eat junk. No sign of Sunshine getting a job despite having her allowance cut off for spending it all on piercings (12 to date) and with my grounding her at least until results day you don't have to worry where she is at night. Moonlight harumphs her way through what is left of the day once the sleeping is done and has a vocab of about 2 words. One of which is "boring".

You get to choose which argument to have from: "She's in my room and has touched my stuff" "She called me a freak" "Why can't I go out" "She called me ugly" "I've had enough and I'm going to move in with dad" (to which the answer can only be "Shall I help you pack?").


A solution, of sorts. Buy her a special notebook and even a special pen or pencils in which she can express herself in her chosen way. This may be in a letter form addressed to you or an imaginary friend, a story about princesses locked up in towers by wicked parents, cartoons or drawings about her actual feelings. Encourage (but don't force) her to show you and discuss it. Displacement.

Moonlight did pictures in her book when little and stories as she got older. Some were quite happy ones which were fun to talk about. Others were not. eg, one from a couple of years ago - left on my bed for me to read last thing at night. The long story of a boy who woke up to find himself in a steel grey dark room with several doors.
"The boy saw the notices on the doors. 'The Unhappy Ones' 'The Unloved Ones' 'The Despairing Ones' 'The Misunderstood Ones''The Depressed Ones'..."
Then a man dressed in grey enters the room "They put us here when there's no hope".... etc etc

You get the idea. It went on and on in the same way. I can't say it helped her to draw or write but then I can't say it didn't. I know she still writes but now she doesn't leave it out for me.

I was just going to lurk hootoo this morning, but I can never resist a mother in distress.

s to you both.

Sounds to me like Gruesome #1 is asserting her independance. My grandson is 7 going on 30.
He corrects me if he thinks I have made a mistake.
My daughter says he's driving her nuts.
He tells her how to drive.


By the way, it doesn't end at teenage.

My #2 daughter called last night on her way to an engagement party (the lift-person was a bloke, which made a change) and she had a multi-coloured mohican hairstyle. And a new piercing.
She is 25 in November.
Even unshockable Andrew said "Why have you got a Mohican, Helen?" and she just laughed and said, "Wow, you even know the name!"

Who'd be a Mum?

all Mums

p.s. Sho she doesn't hate you. I remember feeling like I hated my Mum at that age & I had a younger sister & brother. It was attention-seeking, because I felt ignored.

Not having daughters, I don't think I am much help. The sons were at their worst around 7-10 and 15-17ish. But both periods in their lives also coincided with various life changes that they had little choice in.

I did my best to treat the tough times with humour. Of course we had episodes which basically resulted in seeing who could shout the loudest, but often these would end up in silence leading to talking about what had happened and why. The sons eventually learnt that they would always get an emotional reaction from me first, but once I had cooled down would see reason. Actually, I'm not entirely sure who was the teenager

Sho, you love her and she knows that she can rant and rave against you but you are still there. Stick to the ground rules of enforcing punishment(making sure it ~is~ enforcable and you don't give in) and praising her when she is good or does something well.

One of the saddest things about being a parent is realising when they are grown up that their childhood flew past and there are no second chances. There are so many things I would have done differently and many I wouldn't change at all.

Thanks folkies, I've calmed down a lot now.

She's just finished Kindergarten and in September will go into the first grade. I'm sure that's a very big thing for her, she's been hopping about waiting to get into school since #1 went last year (#2 is the big problem for me at the moment)

I like the notebook idea, I'm going to give that a try. Of course, being "German, she can't write yet, but she's not too bad at drawing. Often it's just black scribble, which sort of frightens me. But she knows that I write stories, so maybe that will help her get the idea.

I scared the pants of the pair of them yesterday after their dad turned up for his afternon break, walzed in and just slumped in front of the cricket on tv.

I'm afraid I lost it, grabbed my bag and just walked out of the house. They weren't to know that I was off to the shops to get #2's birthday pressie, and when I got back they had drawn me a picture and each wrapped one of their toys for me as a sorry present. Funny how quickly she managed to forget that panic (their dad told me) when they realised I'd done what she does and run away.

We all know where she gets the over-emotional-tantrum-throwing from. Which is, I suppose, why it frustrates me so much. And leads to screaming rows. (and I know that I can scream/shout the loudest )

This afternoon we went to a BBQ at one of my colleague's houses. Actually, she's only young so it was at her parents' place. They both complimented me on my beautifully behaved children. The mum is a Kindergarten teacher and she played with them a lot. She told me that they were telling her how much stuff we all do together and asked me where I get the time

My reactions are hormonal. Probably I should go back and look at the dates on my "screaming gruesome" journal entries... every 4 weeks or so would be a good guess...

I'm just hoping that we can still like each other when they are in their 20s and beyond - me and my mum have a fab relationship. I want that with them.

I wonder if I take up we'd all be a bit calmer?

btw, Teuchter, I have no worries about you having me on my friends list... every little bit of help and/or advice or comment is welcome.

As for Teenage sons... no ideas at all apart from running away from home. For you, not for him

Not being a parent, I can't offer any advice, but I *can* offer loads and loads of and ... with a bit of and a thrown in.

oh thanks
cheers

We've agreed to try the writing/drawing in a book thing. To see how that goes. Now she's interested to know if I "chose" her - but since I tell them that unborn children are up with the stars looking down on potential parents, she's now tending towards thinking she chose us.

Is that a strange thing to tell kids?

Anyhoo, she gave me a massive kiss tonight, and said sorry.

Which is progress.

Not strange at all Sho - at least, no stranger than the ~truth~.

I remember giving my eldest a book when she started asking ~those questions~.
We sat down together to read this rather gentle wee book by Clare Rayner and got to the page where a jolly, rotund couple were er coupling - each with beatific grins on their rosy cheeked faces. She looked at the picture for a few moments, said "Oh", and then pointed to a cat which, for some reason, was sitting on the mat in front of the open-fire in the bedroom.

Glad to hear you're back in Best Mummy position again

Don't bother trying to change or taking up .

They need to know that it's rough out there and you won't help by smoothing everything out for them.

This is advice that I never took, by the way. But my kids seem to cope anyway, although the middle one is easily affected by emotional upsets.

(Don't get me on to middle ones...)

When our oldest and youngest weren't listening, I used to tell our middle one that she was the jam in the middle of the sandwich. She's actually the best adjusted, most sensible out of the three of them.
Perhaps the other two -were- listening