h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: The World of Rita Cummings - A11005525
Author: benjaminpmoore - U3508889

Just tell if you hate it or not.

I didn't hate it, but it was a bit long for me to read properly

Was it too long for you to read properly now or too long for you to read properly ever?

It was too long for me. But, I will try again

I really think you should, it's very good. Do you think it should be shorter?

Just a little shorter......but this is just my opinion

Roller blades!

I like this. Just plain daft, it is. I like the serious tone kept through ridiculous detail. And the way it starts with believable daftness and only escalates to roller blades at the end. I like the occasional truly bizarre bits mixed with everday and with the everyday taken to bizarre lengths.

It deserves a detailed reread to polish - typos and things like two 'generally's in the 'Rita spends most of her day writing,' paragraph.

Is there somewhere you could break the first long paragraph up? It's a big chunk of text when your readers may not be quite hooked and still wondering just what sort of article this is.

Extra line breaks to separate those paragraphs in the middle would help the read too. It sounds nitpicking to go on about presentation but it does make a difference. I've twice come to read this and been put off, wrongly, by the chunks of text.

Have to ask - is the misinterpretation that can be put on this line 'All of them live in her expansive back garden where they have been, at various points over the last twenty years, buried.' intentional?

Length - I'd have to read again with that in mind but I can say that, because of the way it builds up, you didn't lose my interest.

Thanks for the ,
Waz

I am crap at deciding where to put line and paragraph breaks in, so the suggestions are most welcome. Don't worry about nitpicking, I think the fine details improve a good piece dramatically.
Was the ambiguity deliberate? Yes, but I can't really remember what was in my mind at the time. I suppose it just adds to the general sense of Rita's vagueness.
'Thanks for the...' what? Can't tell what that is.
Glad you enjoyed it.

Well, if anyone is still reading these... finally got round to making a few changes. Not major edits but, as Waz suggested, line breaks and stuff.

Hey, sorry I didn't reply before - I did read your post, but forgot to come back to it.

The smiley at the end of 'Thanks for the...' is supposed to be laughing. If you hover your mouse over a smiley you should get a little text box translation. I was thanking you for the entertainment, and for Rita. She's a card. I'd vote for her for someone else's Parish Council .

Playing with GML, v impressive! Footnotes and all! Like the way you used those - speeds the pace up but keeps the 'asides'.

Opinions - just personal ones of course. I really like what you're doing here, and it makes me laugh (with not at). But I'm aware I read enough to get it and enjoy it because I was deliberately reading AWW entries. Although this is more reader-hooking than it was, I still worry that the first part of this is not going to hook ordinary readers firmly enough, quickly enough.

If this were mine, (it's not and I'm not sure I should even be saying what I'd do if it were mine but don't know how else to explain), I'd finish the first para on "...cup of tea which she forgets about." or "... Rita goes downstairs and sorts her post." because those sentences are funny and reader-engaging.

"She has recently purchased a device which she has had installed ..." feels a flat end to a paragraph. It's a new topic and not funny in itself - a worker- sentence. The ends of paragrphs, especially first ones, are surely reader-losing danger points? As are the middles of too-long paragraphs.

I'd consider another para break after "....Maude, who lives over the road and finds life increasingly confusing." and in order to have some thread of scattered-Rita-logic, I think I'd try it with these two sentences "Rita has received three letters from Maude ..." and "In 1987 Maude ..." reversed to give a Doctor -> Hospital connection/flow of thought.

And now GML crit - you've missed some < P > tags around the 3rd, 4th and 5th paras.

btw, have you tried reviewing? It's very educational, I've learnt a lot by trying to work out why something nearly but doesn't quite work. It's much more difficult to see why something that does work, does. Or to self-crit. I'm not sure of myself in finding fixes though, so take all suggestions from me with pinches of salt.

Waz

Well I haven't had time to look at your suggestions as Waz, but they sound very smart to me, and I'll certainly try them out and see how the piece looks when I'm done. Thanks for your input. Maybe I will favour your next piece of work with my own helpful insights. Pray that I don't.

Hi benjamin, lurked your guide entries ( I was looking for the uni project) and found this one. It is long, but I love it. No idea about style etc, I could only point out the typos and punctuation maybe, but it's great as it stands if you ask me

Hmm... I'm not sure how I feel about people lurking in my entries, but thanks for coming and I'm glad you like it.
Did you find the Uni project- it's there somewhere.

Yes, I did find it. It would take me ages to go through my conversation list to find the WW threads, it's so much easier to search for them in your PS

Well you just need to have less conversations don't you? Why not look at the people you consider your friends, and decide which ones you can get rid of?

I'm an ace, so have between 20 to 40 new conversatins daily