h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ah ha! Hat tricks of a sort I apparently can manage

So, here we go with 'No Accident', then - you know the drill: what follows is by way of suggestion only and, for the most part, requires only a 'yes/no' from you (copy and paste should you wish). I have been quite picky with this, but from working with you on the last two, I didn't want even minor changes unapproved. So:

First sentence - should 'police' have an initial capital? (i.e. new sentence, wasn't sure you could 'frown' a remark).

>>the small local force not normally warranting such a post.<< - I just hiccuped a bit at that one, since 'investigator' hasn't made it entirely clear what the post in question is; 'normally' also sounds a slightly odd note (has the investigator been newly appointed here or is he merely visiting?)

>>Morris said settling himself into<< - comma after 'said'.

>>quite thin holding a few<< - and again, after 'thin'.

>>at the phone box, its recently repainted<< - feel the need for something stronger than a comma there; semi-colon as elsewhere?

>>extensive though, like constables MacKay and Jackson<< - I hiccuped there too: either a comma after 'extensive' or change 'though' to 'although' (sounds like 'though' is qualifying 'extensive' otherwise).

>>a confirmed bachelor, from all accounts<< - could be just me, but should that be 'by all accounts'?

>>that the accident may not have been<< - I think that 'may' should be a 'might' for the tense's sake.

>>indicated otherwise claiming that<< - comma after 'otherwise'.

>>and Mr Belcher had prematurely shed his mortal coil<< - I don't want to say anything here, because it's one of my favourite lines, but they'll chuck me out of the pedants' club otherwise: can you shed your mortal coil? Hamlet suggests you can only shuffle off it...

>>Morris said, “Arrest all the clowns.”<< - capital 'A'?

Right, I think that's it for the polishing - a highly enjoyable read once again Which was the unanimous view in the UnderGuide too - the only negative comment, which I should pass on, was about the title. Personally, I've no problem with it, but some felt it wasn't quite equal to the story - any suggestions? Or is the suggestion to shut up now?

(Saw you were back from the other thread, so thought I'd better give this a nudge )

Oops, I hadn't replied, had I (rolls out excuses of too much other work etc, blah blah, excuse, excuse)

Sorry, ok here goes...

-->>First sentence - should 'police' have an initial capital? (i.e. new sentence, wasn't sure you could 'frown' a remark).

Yes!

-->>the small local force not normally warranting such a post.<< - I just hiccuped a bit at that one, since 'investigator' hasn't made it entirely clear what the post in question is; 'normally' also sounds a slightly odd note (has the investigator been newly appointed here or is he merely visiting?)

Maybe if the whole sentence reads: He had been temporarily drafted in from the main headquarters over forty miles away, the small local force not warranting a permanent post.

I think that's probably a bit clearer.


-->>Morris said settling himself into<< - comma after 'said'.

Yep!

-->>quite thin holding a few<< - and again, after 'thin'.

Yes, again.

-->>at the phone box, its recently repainted<< - feel the need for something stronger than a comma there; semi-colon as elsewhere?

Disagree with that one. We are still directly talking about the phone box which is before the comma. A semicolon would 'detach' it too much in my opinion.

-->>extensive though, like constables MacKay and Jackson<< - I hiccuped there too: either a comma after 'extensive' or change 'though' to 'although' (sounds like 'though' is qualifying 'extensive' otherwise).

Hmm, on reflection I think chop it into 2 sentences as follows: The damage had been quite extensive. Like constables MacKay and Jackson, who had...

(note the new comma after "Jackson")

-->>a confirmed bachelor, from all accounts<< - could be just me, but should that be 'by all accounts'?

Yes, agreed.

-->>that the accident may not have been<< - I think that 'may' should be a 'might' for the tense's sake.

Yes.

-->>indicated otherwise claiming that<< - comma after 'otherwise'.

Yes.

-->>and Mr Belcher had prematurely shed his mortal coil<< - I don't want to say anything here, because it's one of my favourite lines, but they'll chuck me out of the pedants' club otherwise: can you shed your mortal coil? Hamlet suggests you can only shuffle off it... winkeye

I sort of agree however I'd prefer it left as "shed" as that then matches the car shedding its bonnet, doors etc.

-->>Morris said, “Arrest all the clowns.”<< - capital 'A'?

Prefer it left as a capital. Doesn't look right if not.

Cheers again Trin

:GM:

Good-oh! All done then.

With reference to mortal coils, I'm very glad my pedantry went unheeded - as I say, it's one of my favourite lines here

As for the CAC edition featuring 'Her Cartographer', it went 'live' in The Post on Thursday. Avaliable via the Front Page until next Thursday, after which here:

A17927616

Oops, no, hang on - that edition of The Post will be there for *two* weeks. Still, link's there for ease of use.