h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've always felt slightly left out you see. Now I have one. To my work email address.

Let's see, what are they saying to me?

"Am 19 years old" Blah, blah, blah...

"because I was inform that you derive pleasure in the comfort and stability of children"

hmmm. No. I'm afraid you are misinformed. I derive *no* pleasure from children. I dislike them, especially in groups. I tolerate my own because he makes me cups of and sometimes cooks my dinner.

"in the habit of looking after child"

Again, misinformed. 'Habit' makes it sounds like I've done this more than once, and no. Once is completely enough. I like my nephews and neices, but more in theory than in practise and luckily I have managed to avoid the vast majority of family babysitting duties this year.

"the Almighty God who gave you wisdom and the heart to look after children"

Er. Wisdom possibly missing. Heart to look after children, def missing. Are you sure you shouldn't be going more for the 'dog' angle? That might have worked.

"I have not told anybody before about this"

Good news for me!

"50 Carats of purple rough-cut diamond gemstones of Diamond Creek, Lofa County Origin and $30 Million U.S Dollars"

Aha, the nitty gritty. Now, I had some of that knocking around the house somewhere. I do have a habit of leaving money lying around the house, which if collected may well come to that amount.

"you have a very kind heart to see the brightness and every little children"

I'm afraid you've lost me with that one. If you mean I see the brightness in every child, nope. I really don't. I see them standing on street corners and I wonder what they're going to do to my van or the other cars parked on the road. If they're going to bang on my door and run away, or worse, if they're laughing or whispering I KNOW they are being mean about me and I'd like to shout at them and make them GO AWAY.

"don't be scared of investing your personal fund in this transaction".

Okay. I won't be scared. My personal fund (ignoring the money lying around the house) isn't up to much now I've just bought myself a new telly.

"Please get back me with your personal details like: your full name, home address, telephone number, and a scan copy of your international passport."

Ah, now, you've heard so much about me but nobody thought to tell you my name? Also, I don't have a passport. Is that going to be a problem?

Before I get involved in this, just one query. All this claptrap about children, but at 19 years old you are NOT A CHILD.

Get a bloody job.

Oh, it's children now?

Never did get one of those scams in e-mail form, but years back I got a couple of them in snail mail (paper, envelope etc). Was this person from Nigeria by any chance?

Liberia, which I had to look up as I'd never heard of it.