h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Lights a cigarette. The wisp of somke curls in the air. A lattice of light and shadow from the closed blinds falls across his face*

[voiceover]Hi, the name's Chrome101. I'm a private eye.

I work in the dark back streets and alleyways of H2G2, where anything can be bought - for a price. It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.

If business was as good as my aim, I'd be on Easy Street by now. As it is, I've got an office on 42nd Street, and a lot of bills to pay. Especially Bill, my landlord, and Bill, the guy down at my watering-hole.[/voiceover]

*Puts feet up on desk, waits for customer to walk in*

*walks in*

Not that I'd have any need for a detective... But I'll be back if I do!

*looks coolly at Alien through a haze of cigarette smoke and bourbon*

[voiceover]The dame said she didn't have a case. That might have been because she looked like a case herself.
She was voluptuous, seductive, sultry. The kind of dame who'd break your heart, or maybe your arms.[/voiceover]

Well, come back if you do have a case!

Do I hear voices?

[voiceover]Dammit, she's onto me![/voiceover]

Err ... No.

*Runs his hand down the row of drawers.

Stolen Condiments

Rejection Letters From Literary Magazines

Extra Trenchcoats

Exotic Weaponry *Ah, there it is!*

*Reaches into it, past the Big Gun (with xenon projector) and clutches a Pocket ECT System*

*Phone rings; on answering a voice says*
Androyd here, I've got some of those err ...items you were interested it. You know where to find me.
*Line goes dead*

*takes his hand off the ECT unit*

Err, look lady, could you just leave my office for a few minutes or so. You see, I have to go and visit my sick grandmother and I'll be locking the office.

*Alien duly leaves*

[voicevoer] Dammit, that dame spooked me out. Why couldn't she just leave the voiceovers alone? *thinks*
Appaently, androyd had some ... items to be collected. I knew the guy. He was a friend of a friend. I didn't particularly like the screeching, rusty quality of his voice, but the sound of greenbacks slapping across my palms is music to my ears any day![/voiceover]

*puts on his black fedora and trenchcoat, locks the ofcie from the outside, and disappears into the night*

*Androyd's Junk Emporium. Lower East Side. The vast building, tall as eleven men, looms out of the mist. Towards it strides someone who is as tall as one man: Chrome101, the NON-Holistic Detective.*

Brr, chilly...

*He stares up at the building. All is quiet. Too quiet...*

*The silence is broken by the sound of a rusty hanger door being slid back...a voice sounds slightly less rusty than the door*
You wanted weaponry Chrome, well now I've got some..step inside

*He takes one step forward. Then another. His black fedora is pulled down well over his eyes, and his body is muffled in the folds of a huge trenchcoat.*

Show me the goods, pal!

*Walks straight in ... to who knows what???*

http://www.h2g2.com/A323641

The article was cancelled.

Anyway, I prefer to carry on my investgations in this thread - not that there have been any...

*walks in, stares at ceiling blankly for a while. Jumps suddenly realising where she is*

Hi.
I was looking for something or someone. I have forgotten what.

Can you help me?
Can anyone really help me?

*stares back at ceiling*
You should really paint that!

Sorry, I should have posted this a little earlier. I'm closing the Detective Agency.
Afgncaap5 has a bigger and better one at http://www.h2g2.com/A246593

Thank you for reading this. Goodnight.

Some people, so rude!
*saulks out*

that's really too bad of you! my goodness... just when i was getting into the story and thinking about bookmarking! and who said there couldn't be more than one PI in this town? we've got more than one horse!! LOL!
ok, well, here's that 'package' you asked for... i'm just gonna leave it by the door, see... like that, see... now don't you be followin' me, see.. cuz i'll be watchin for yer!

http://www.h2g2.com/U135793