h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I seem to have lost all of my cookies at some point within the last 24 hours... all the links I've visited are no longer dark blue but light green... and whenever I log onto Floor42, *all* of the forums' fishies are turned brilliant orange instead of the usual dull grey... which suggests to me a failure for my computer to realize that I've been to that site before.

I blame the media. Or possibly aliens...

Oh My BOB!

It's the alien media!!!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*runs for, and on behalf of, the hills*

Running on behalf of the hills is Australia's very own bubster, who's shown marvelous rectitude to climb this far in the Sydney Olympics, wouldn't you say so, Bob?

Yes, yes I would...and don't call me Bob.

The part I'm really impressed with, and I'll tell you, the part I'm really impressed with regarding this athlete here, is his ability to keep living despite the allarming amounts of horse testosterone they discovered in his bloodstream just this morning. It really takes a fantastically strong man not to drop dead.

I'm hearing rumours, and by that I mean hearing rumours, that the other athletes feel the fact that he's also carrying a kangaroo is a bit ostentatious and self-agrandizing. I put it down to excellent showmanship, eh Skip?

*ding!*

Is THAT where that got to. I've been looking for it all day. Dobbin WILL be pleased.

Oh, and meanwhile, the kangaroo is only there to balance the weight of the tactical nuclear device on the other shoulder.

Yes, yes I would... and don't call me Bob.

Well, we here at the olympic committie are well aware that many of our fine athletes are tempted into using steroids to boost their performances. We are also well aware that our heads are so far up our bums that we need a shoe horn to remove them. This young superstar is simply fabulous, wouldn't you agree, Dan?

I would. And I didn't call you Bob, Skipper.

Actually, I'm glad you mentioned the head/bum scinario. I've heard rumours that the Olypic committe is creating a rather large shoe-horn to accomodate the removal of the committee's respective heads, and also that this head-removal is going to be a new Olympic sport. They are considering adding it to the Winter Olympics because, as we've discussed, they all have their heads up their bums.

I think that this wonderful athelete would aslo excell at Head/Bum Removal, don't you, Skipper?

Yes, well, Steve, this stunningly handsome Aussie, and may I say, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, that I'm attracted to him in a purely sexual way, Steve, would indeed excel at the Bum/Head removal that seems to be so prevalent in these end times. With the dawn of the new Millenium, we can expect to see mutants at these games, mutants of dire and disgusting bodies, mutants with the power of telepathy...

Oh, wait just a mo, bubster's pulled ahead of the pack and is looking like he's on his way to becoming the next gold winner. Wouldn't you say so, Steve?

I would indeed, Julius. He's only partially aided by the good looking bloke on a moped with some puppies. Quite the most interesting Olympics we've had in many years, don't you agree?

A HA HA.

Oh dear! A bit of a blow for the bubster team as the kangaroo doesn't appear to be getting on at all with those puppies! Bubster is having significant difficulty balancing that warhead! I'd say we're all for the great hereafter soon, wouldn't you, Blake?

Well, Jimmy, I don't know about you, but I've had a fallout shelter prepared in case of just such an eventuality for a while now. Unfortunately the shelter's in my pants, so it really won't do me much good.

But aren't those puppies cute, Jimmy? I see a great and horrific future for these puppies. Gold metal winners, the lot of them.

Absolutely, Julius. The pride shining in the panicked eyes of that desperate and mopeded group out there fills us all with the purest Olympian spirit, I'm sure.

OH! The kangaroo is teetering! The puppies are barking! The moped is screetching!!!

My goodness, that was a close one. I believe I just cacked my bomb shelter, Julius, if you'll pardon the expression. Well, there they are on the way to the top. I do believe they're travelling fast enough to outrun those hideous mutants we discussed earlier, don't you think?

Well, James, the mutants have been in training for a good long time now, and have really put their all into this thrilling event, and of course the extra leg really gives them an edge.

But I do believe that bubster, the puppies, the moped, the kangaroo and the nuclear warhead are firmly in the lead. Yes. YES! Oh YES BABY! DO THAT ONE MORE... uh. Well, twist my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska, BUBSTER WINS!!

*walks slowly away from the podium and just keeps on going...*

This is one of the greatest moments in Olympiad History, which bloody well does deserve those capital letters due to the fact that the Olympiad has been around for thousands of years after all, albiet not in the same form as we see them today; after all, those orignial Olympiads did train and exercise in the buff after all (and I would enjoy seeing that, wouldn't you?) and today most people train in spandex, a lovely fibre that...

*several shots ring out, cutting the insane sportscaster down in a spray of hot lead.*

"And the crowd goes wild."

Well, I've just taken my cyanide pill, so on behalf of Julius, myself, Jim and the rest of us here at CBS that witnessed this amazing event, have a-

*falls over and begins to spasm*

*cut to CBS broadcast center in New York*

Um... anybody fancy a spot of Survivor?