h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In my experience, I have found an equally useless phrase, being a native language of english speaker, is I am a carrot.
Je suis un carot... never fails to start interesting (and unintelligible) conversations with french speakers, as well as Yo soy una zanahoria.

I have been thinking about my previous post (11 years ago) in which I insinuated that the phrase "i am a carrot" was "equally useless" to the phrase "i am cheese" which was suggested as the most useless phrase in any language at location http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/A264511 by user kitkat (http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/U111687) . Having had time to contemplate my previous post, I find that I stand by my original assertion, but with the amendment that "i am a carrot" is actually a "more useless" phrase then "i am cheese" since in fact more earth language have a word that is functionally equivalent to "cheese" which have gathered to mean "the thing that makes me smile" then for carrot. (note the use of this word as the equivalent to an imperative for smiling, the fact that both the word itself and the concrete equivalent to which it points engender smiling, and its similarity in modern English to heroes in the western philosophical tradition such as "Theseus" and "Jesus")

An interesting side note is that cheese was mentioned in chapter 32 of the Saga of Harald Hardrade in around 1049 AD, where it is called "hann" and it is stated that "with the coming of war-ships against Denmark; [the Norwegians} cut their cheese into the shape of anchors, and [joked that] such anchors might hold all the ships of the Norway king." From this we learn that the Danish cheese was hard (bear in mind that there is no mention of cream, curd, whey and custard in the oldest portions of the Norse canon) and that it was very heavy (or that the Norwegian ships were very very light, which is more unlikely) and that this word (coming from indo-european *phan, from earlier proto-proto-indoeuropean *hann (also old norse), meaning container in which cheese or bread is made or placed) can therefore alternatively mean either bread or cheese. (notice that the modern word fromage comes from the latin word formatus, meaning shaped or molded, referring to the fact that hard cheese was made in a pan).

On the other hand, no one cares about the etymology of the word carrot, which as far as I can tell means something like "dirty thing which you pull out of the ground but which some stupid animals enjoy." It is related to the proto-indoeuropean word *ker" meaning horn or devil, and/or the modern germanic root "cur" meaning bastard-bitch, or priest.

A popular insult from the early 21st century attests to the uselessness and derogatory nature of this word. "may your cook always serve you boiled carrots with no salt or butter." (source unknown)

At school, our preferred nonsense phrase was 'Je suis un poisson rouge' - I am a goldfish.