h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

(shellsuits were common in the early to mid 90's, not the 80's)

Would it fair to presume that the London equivalent of our betrothed scally is the "Ali G-alike"?

I've seen scallies in Manchester and they are pretty much exactly the same but with a different accent.

It seems to me that the Merseyside scally's goal is to appear to humans to be as thick as possible. Cue strained voice that sounds like somebody attempting to overcome constipation: "eeyar mate [Excuse me, sir. (lit 'here you are mate')] deez trainees ['these training shoes'] cost a 'undred an' eighty quid downtown. I'll sell you 'em for a tenner if you go and buy us some ciggies, like. Go 'ed ['go ahead'].".

Scallies are also seen sometimes to be with females, usually dressed the same as their male counterparts, but in a white tracksuit. Always white. And sporting a pony tail.

Another phenomenon is the "mature scally". The mature scally is a male, around the age of 30, certainly on benefit and yet has got Sky TV, who associates with the usual 16 year old scally, dresses the same, and is probably looked upon as some sort of mentor to the younger minions.

The difference lies in that being old enough to buy them for themselves, the mature scally will not ask for "ciggies", but will invariably ask if you have "got any skins?". Skins meaning cigarette papers.

The world would be a better place without them.

Just while I'm here I thought I'd post something about the obsession with trainers (sneakers in the US).

The most important thing in a scallies life is their footwear. Or rather...not the footwear itself but how much it cost. Certainly anything less than £100 would confine you to "tramp" status.

Equally as "cool" as having paid an extortionate amount of money for such items is having paid very little for a pair which in the shops are a very expensive price. Whether they were originally stolen or not is of little concern. In fact, being stolen is another token of cool. Scallies are not known for their moralistic tendencies.

The scallies have developed over the past year, and have started to wear more clothes combinations- more than the usual reebok shellsuits. These are:
-very strange skirts with a split up the side, which tend to rip when the scally sits down.
-'Rockport' shoes, or for the poor scally 'Lacosta' shoes which are banned from most clubs.
-Argyle socks- ok my grandma wears these when she goes to play golf! The only difference is that she has enough sense to not pull them up to her knees like stockings- they arn't even big enough so they end up getting stretched. In a 'head scally's' wardrobe, you will find at least 100 pairs of these.
-Tight tight jeans, which flair out just enough to cover the very top of the scally's Rockports, usually with a nasty looking glittery flower design down the side.
-Boob tubes- usually worn by the fattest scallies in the smallest size they can find. This creats bulges above and below the top, possible so that the gold chains stick out more???

There are probably a lot more, but this is what I have picked up on!

these are dieing out as the weather gets hotter but all this winter a scallie could not be without one. for those not in the know these are usually dark blue with white piping. the whole of the outside of the hood covered in white fur which goes matted in rain (the only time it is even worn up) and the most important parts are the two furry balls hanging on elastic from the edges of the hood (very good for strangling them with). pay no less than £80 or be disowned.

You've forgotten the scally walk. Feet are permanently place at an outward angle of forty five degrees, shoulders move with a pronounced dip and arms have a rhythmic pumping movement. This is not to be confused with the much older 'pimp roll' but more akin to a testosterone fuelled penguin.

The pony tail on the female scallie is something I've heard described as an "Essex Facelift" - the hair is tied back so eye-wateringly tightly that it makes the female look as if she's had cosmetic surgery! (What do people in Essex call it, as this term is like a 2000's survival of Essex Girl jokes)

Generally the female scally with the Essex Facelift has a pram and a squalling brat (social security ticket) in tow, which MAY be a little brother or sister parked on her for the day, although you doubt it... you really fear for the next generation, don't you...