h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A vacancy has arisen for a Manager/Coach for the England national soccer team. The successful applicant for this post will be a masochist, willing to sacrifice a successful career in club management in order to take on a near-impossible and immensely stressful task.
He/she will be expected to transform a mediocre, poorly motivated national team into unstoppable world-beaters. Any failure to achieve this goal will be mercilessly punished by a tabloid press who would rather hurl vitriolic personal abuse at an individual that risk telling their readers the unpalatable truth: that England haven't been the best team in the world since the Fifties, haven't won anything for 34 years, and haven't currently got players capable of changing that situation.
Applicants should probably seek psychiatric help. Failing that, they should send their CVs, including medical history with particular reference to nervous or heart conditions, to: The Football Association, Blazer House, Oldschooltie Lane, Lancaster Gate, London.

I like Fergies comment on the subject:
"The ideal candidate will need three key attributes: He will have to be English, he will have to have experience at the top level and he will have to be called Terry Venables".

I've just read that Berti Vogts, the former German team manager, has expressed an interest in the England job. I'm not sure whether he's actually the best man for the task, but I think it'd be hilarious if he got it. Just imagine how the tabloids would react to one of Them leading Our Boys...

Brings a potentially whole new meaning to the word "hacks" doesn't it?

As in, what they'd to to his limbs if we ever lost.....


But still, if they're too blinkered and self-important to reappoint Tel, I think Robson and Taylor together is a good compromise, as long as it's sustainable. Newcastle and Leicester for the Champions League, anyone?

And as for SGE? As much as I resolutely believe that the job should go to an Englishman (i.e. there is NO excuse with Venables available), I can't knock his track record and I think he'd do the job well enough to win over the public. I also think our top players have seen enough of him on the European touchlines to give him a chance from the start - and let's face it, that's one dressing room with power. They've seen off the Wilkosaurus, thank goodness....

The "list of three" potential candidates included one major surprise: Arsene Wenger.
Not that he isn't the best of the three - he is; but the FA would have to think that Arsenal are a few studs short of a full set to release him! That would effectively be the end of their title challenge IMHO.

Fair point, but we've now get Taylor until the summer, and he was on the ball with the U-21s so I'm pretty happy.

As for AW and SGE, well they might both be willing in the summer, and I'd take either. But if they both refuse, well, how CAN they say no to Terry?

Well, they can say "no" to him because they don't trust him - and given his record in financial matters, that is understandable!
That said, I just hope that the job goes to the best person available, regardless of where they come from. This morning, going through my newsgroup mail, I was annoyed to find that I'd been contacted by some sad bunch calling themselves "England United", who've set up a web site and a campaign to demand that the next England manager must be English.
Judged on their recent records, Arsene Wenger has to be chosen over Roy Hodgson. But M. Wenger is no fool at all, and I think he'd have to be mad to take the job given the attitude that the knuckle-trailing element of the Ingerland faithful would doubtless take to a "foreigner" managing Our Boys.

You're right about that - I've always thought that enough to put Wenger off as well. But the thought has just occurred to me - he's not used to losing, and probably won't expect to. He might think he won't get the bad press. And I also think he could handle it.

Hodgson - one sports writer pointed out the other day that he left the Switzerland job because of an oppressive media - how does he (or anyone else) think he'll handle a bad run in charge of England?

As for Venables - the FA could be hoisted by their own petard here (always wanted to say that). They've now committed themselves to a shortlist. Fergie is out unless he wins the treble and decides to retire a year early. I think he'll hang on anyway because Edwards is looking closer and closer to the door. Taylor - even if he's successful I think he'll say no and stay with Leicester. Robson will be just too old then, and that leaves Arsene and SGE. If neither take it, the FA won't survive drawing up a new shortlist with candidates perceived as inferior to Venables. And let's face it - unless Houllier or Cruyff becomes available then who? I was shocked they even thought about Berti Vogts. Not that I'm xenophobic, but how would a German manager be able to do the England job?

It seems to be the concencus that SGE (how do you spell this guys name?) and Wenger are two of the FAs three favoured candidates - but who is the third?
Well my tuppence ha'penny worth - how about Alex Fergusson?

"Oh yeah sure - why would he leave united?"
Well - he did anounce that he would be retiring next year anyway, and he has just won everything he can...without becoming an international manager.

"But wouldn't he rather manage Scotland?"
Of course he probably would - but he's realistic enough to know that Scotland don't have the strength to do much in the near future...and they don't have the money to fund his salary. England were paying Kevin £1m, and can double that for the right man...and the fringe benefits of being the saviour of England could be pretty spectacular.

"Can we(English supporters) have a Scot?"
If you win, it doesn't matter if you are a Martian. Jack Charlton can still get a pint bought for him from Dun Loaghaire to Dingle because - he won some. The same would happen for Fergie.

By now the third man has probably been anounced and this may all look pretty silly - but IMHO the FA will be missing a sitter if they don't give Alex a call.

3rd man is Roy Hodgson, it would seem, but he won't get it. As for Fergie, he won't leave United before his contract expires, unless he wins the CL again and wants to go out on a high note. And with Martin Edwards boardroom clout dwindling by the day, Fergie might be there long-term.

As for Scotland, he's already said he couldn't prepare the England team against them so he wouldn't get the England job anyway, and I doubt a man in his position would turn down a second chance of achieving success with Scotland over salary issues.

...And personally, I think the FA are to be applauded for having the courage to break with tradition and appoint the person they considered to be the best man for the job, rather than go for the least worst Englishman.
Mind you, "Sven-Goran Eriksson's Ingerland army" is a bit of a mouthful...

More praise for a five year contract too.
I read a good article that said (in effect) that we should cut our loss with the current senior squad, but for the younger ones and build on our very good U21 squad for the World Cup after next.
Maybe the combination of the five year contract and Lazio's reluctance to release SGE for the "vital" qualifiers will make that happen?

Yes, that does seem quite likely! I'm sure that some of the younger players will be given a chance now. After all, Peter Taylor doesn't need to be told how good the England youngsters are!

As I'm sure you've seen, Taylor has made the FA back down over Bowyer and Woodgate. Whatever they've been involved in, the FA are not above the law of the land and innocent until proven guilty must apply to all. How can they get a fair trial if the FA take a stance that reeks of condemnation? If they are proven guilty then they must serve their sentences, and prove their regret and rehabiltion before any possibility of being selected again - just like Tony Adams did. And that's respect from a Spurs fan. If they're innocent, it's wrong to breach their rights and possibly jeopardise their careers.

But anyway, when the news came out Taylor said he thought the next couple of games were the best opportunity to give youth its opportunity - and that when was they're going to be a better time?

As for SGE - big shock that was, well so quickly, anyway. But I have confidence in his ability - I just hope Lazio go out of the CL early to speed up his arrival. I think the long wait and intervening games could prove very difficult if the Italian club stand by their statement today that it would be impossible for SGE to do the England job part time for the intervening games.

But I'm still disappointed that we couldn't get an Englishman - usual two reasons - no team has ever won the world cup with a foreign manager, none of the big teams, including such giants as Romania, Russia, Czechoslovakia and others have ever had a foreign manager.It is a truly sad statement to the world about our game, and the FA's performance in preparing its England coaches. Scotland don't have a foreign manager but we have one in charge of the FA now and I think it's rather less of an issue of pride and emotion for him. I happen to think pride is important, especially in a game like football - on and off the field.

When the FA issued their statement that they were in talks on Sunday night they justified the approach by saying they were building a team of talented young England coaches to work with the Senior coach and establish a squad of trained coaches for the future. Why this couldn't have been done with Venables I still don't know, and I'll leave that there.

As for SGE - well, we've got him, and the FA say it's to bring success, which is what the fans want. They're right, so I'll support him as long as he improves the team and continues to progess. You can't say fairer than that, we've been hard on our own after all....

Sorry to be so long-winded

Someone pointed out today (in the Mail, I think) that the Lazio fans sing SGE's name to "Brown Girl in the Ring"!

He looks like a sugar in a plum, plum plum!

I suspect that the FA, respectable old chaps that they are, felt very let down by Venables when his earlier stint as manager ended under a cloud due to his rather dubious financial dealings. They were probably also concerned that he might have further skeletons rattling away in his closet, that might emerge at some point and force him to resign again. Frankly, given his past record, it would be a valid concern. I personally still feel that the right decision was made.
As for Bowyer and Woodgate - well, as a Bradford fan I feel that they're definitely guilty of a terrible offence, namely playing for Leeds.
But seriously - yes, they should be regarded as innocent until proven guilty, and that should include being available for selection for England. However, I really did think that Leeds' attempts to have their trial postponed until the close season was outrageous. They are charged with a serious crime, and that's even more important than football.
Obviously, I wouldn't seriously wish to pre-judge their guilt or innocence. But during the recent Bradford v. Leeds match, the Leeds fans predictably started chanting "Bradford's going down". It WAS fun being able to respond with "Bowyer's going down" and "Bowyer for Armley". (Armley = Leeds jail).

So - we have the new "younger" team (nobody over the age of 30, which seems like a good idea to me).
Assuming they perform well, will the oldies get a look in again? I personally can't see Seaman getting his jersey back in his current form...especially as James seems to be on the up.

It certainly is a good idea to give youth a chance, and I agree with you about Seaman. Watching Bradford v Arsenal a few weeks ago, when Seaman seemed to need two attempts to gather every cross, I was very glad that he was playing for them and that Matt Clarke was playing for us.
Many of us up here seriously believe that Clarkey should be considered for England - and that he WOULD be considered if he played for a more fashionable club. Who knows, as this wind of change blows through the England camp, maybe he might get his chance now...

The goalkeepers: David James is in the best form I've ever seen him in and being "blooded" while keeping a clean sheet is the ultimate confidence boost for a keeper.
Paul Robinsonis also an exceptioonal player, but I haven't really seen Richard Wright nor Matt Clarke play and so can't pass comment. However, that's enough to keep Seaman out. It sometimes works in a goalkeepers favour to be in a less fashionable club as chances are more of the action will be down his end. Certainly the Grimsby keeper is constantly near the top in Div. 1 stats because of all the practice he has

The old guard who've been left out: Adams, Ince, Wise, Seaman and Sheringham
Of these, Sheringham is the only one I would think should just walk back into the squad
His role in Wednesdays match showed he had all the fitness of any younger player and his vision in picking out Keane was exceptional.
Adams is considered a great motivator(and rightly so) so if the defence is leaky he will be recalled to shore it up.
Ince has a motivation problem (IMHO) in that he only gives 100% when playing against teams that have rejected him. This won't apply at international level.

Great squad news - let's hope it goes well and Taylor never hands over the reins.....

I agree with you over Leeds trying to delay the trial Ormy - if they're that worried about disruption to the season they should bring it forward and get it out of the way!

And the FA IS afraid of Tel's past rearing up again - a former associate of his has an allegedly revealing book scheduled to be published in the spring.....

I don't think fashionable clubs will be an issue under Taylor either - Seth Johnson and Michael Ball anyone? These days Anderton almost qualifies on that count

And Sheringham SHOULD have been made an exception to the oldies rule - his class and experience would really give the team a good chance considering his form. I guess Taylor had to leave him out to avoid any bad feelings amongst Keown and Le Saux in particular.