h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hmm.... it is obvious we have much to learn from you... hopefully, we (http://www.h2g2.com/A214796) can return the favor ... so, where did you gain all of this (very vast) knowledge from?

Thanks for your attention, aliens! Well, my enormous knowledge comes from the special air we inspire here in this planet (Ee-tah-lee, you know) and from a very good sunlight that permits to see everything very clearly and think about. I couldn't think under the rain (water that falls on your head, have you it there?) I can sell you some box of Ee-tah-lee air, if you want! Wishing the Great Peet-sah be with you.
Terrestre

How much? If it costs a soul or two, sorry... already sold mine

Do you really think I need souls? This reveal you believe in strange mitos typical of barbarian planet, about red guys with horns and tail that want take souls of people. Not in my planet, Ee-tah-lee! Well, there is someone here who tries to fear us with these alien legend
(Pop is hi funny name) but we laugh about it, also if we don'tell him, because he is so old, and it should not be very gentle!
Now I go and sing (in this planet we sing a lot).
Will the Great Peet-sah etc...

No... no devils... soul's reside in back of throat... 'cause horrible sinus pain, so I sold mine

Well, sorry, I was a little busy. My dear Sporkoulius, you have a name that sounds very similar as those that here on my planet Ee-tah-lee one can read on old ruins and history books about ancient people that lived here. Are you sure that the grandmother of the grandmother of the grandmother of the grandmother of the grandmother of the grandmother of the grand mother of the grandmother of your grandmother did not meet a boy from that old people named Row-mens (they used going around conquiring other planets)?
Tell me some news.
Greetings from Ee-tah-lee, Peet-sah Galaxy

Indeed, she did... I know his name to have been Zowie

That is unbelievable! I found an old old old document in which someone tales about my grand grand grand grand grand father named Cucumberus who, going around conquiring planets met a nice barbarian and fell in love with her! And I can still see the name of that barbarian female creature was something like Tso-weeey or Zow-iay (this paper is very old and difficult to read). I read that Julius Caesar(himself!) was very disagree with poor Cucumberus because he said Row-mens had only to think to combat, not to the nice female creatures they met! Julius Caesar was gay. And I can see that Cucumberus and Tso-weey escaped together (also Tso-weey parents disagreed with her, they hated those horrible south people that came to break balls). Well, here in this paper there is not written what happened after, but...but...but, dear Sporkulious, we could be relatives!! Unbelievable! Tell me: did you speak while you are sleeping? And if you did it, did you speak in lah-tin (the old language of Row-mens)? This should demonstrate the truth of thi ancient document! Waiting to know, greetings from Ee-tah-lee.

Indeed, I do speak in my sleep. HOwever, at birth, I had an operation that prevents me from speaking your native tongue- to protect me, of course