h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

1. God did not create the world in six days. He partied for five and then pulled an all-nighter.

2. Keep your mouth shut, and people will think you're stupid. Open it, and remove all doubt.

3. You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.

4. All I ask is an opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness.

5. The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.

6. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with your fist.

7. My interest is in the future because I'm going to spend the rest of my life there.

8. Many are called, but few are chosen. Even fewer get to do the choosing.

9. The way to a man's heart is through the ribcage.

10. The problem with an unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

11. All that glitters has a high refractive index.

12. Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining.

13. I like work. It fascinates me. I can look at it for hours.

14. It is impossible to enjoy being idle thoroughly unless you have a lot of work to do.

15. One Tequila, two Tequila, three Tequila, floor.

16. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

17. Give a man fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he will spend all day in a boat drinking beer.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

20. There are very few problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. (oh, how I wish I had the chance to see if this is true.)

21. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing noise they make as they go flying by.

22. Before criticising someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

23. Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.

24. I was put on the Earth to achieve a certain number of things. Right now I'm so far behind I'll never be allowed to die.

25. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

26. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

27. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

28. Plants aren't food, plants are what food eats.

29. If you don't like the news, go out and make your own.

30. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

31. Consciousness: that annoying time between being asleep and being
drunk.

32. Lead me not into temptation, for I can find it myself.

33. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.

34. Friends come and go, but enemies are forever.

35. If you can smile when everything goes wrong, either you weren't paying attention or you have someone in mind to blame.

36. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

37. Politics is easy to understand if you consider the root words: 'Poly', meaning 'many', and 'ticks', meaning 'irritating little blood-suckers'.

38. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

39. It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

40. If it moves, it's biology. If it smells, it's chemistry. If it
doesn't work, it's physics. If it's too far away to make any difference, it's astrophysics.

41. "Reality is an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." - Albert
Einstein.

42. The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

43. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

44. Live every day as if it were your last. Because one day, you'll be right.

45. I like the greenhouse effect. For one thing, it means my house is
getting closer to the beach.

46. I am not vegetarian because I love animals. I am vegetarian because I hate plants.

47. "OW! You're standing on my FOOT!" -Socrates. Okay, it might not have been his most meaningful statement, but it was his loudest.

48. Don't be bitter and twisted. It's much more fun to be relaxed and
twisted.

49. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you probably have a
better grasp or the situation.

50. Willie found some dynamite, didn't understand it quite, curiosity
never pays, it rained Willie for seven days.


Thankyou and goodnight.

How about:
* Don't kick a man when he's down; wait until he's getting up.
* If everyone at the dinner table is staring at your plate, don't swallow.
* If meat is murder, plants are criminal damage.

Indeed. And the man who turns the other cheek is probably picking up a baseball bat.

Here are some proverbs from my friendly lodger;
*You brewed the pie, you lie in it.
*If the shirt fits, boil it.
*Up more creeks than you can shake a leech at, and no mistake.
etc.

We'll burn down that bridge when we come to it.

Hmm. I must have the power of prophecy...
or maybe you're getting predictable!