h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My children are sitting out on the couch in the living room doing absolutely nothing right now.

I have just finished the laundry, or so I thought, only to find that I have a combined total of 7 pairs of socks for my 2 children. It goes beyond socks however...

If I want to ensure their homework is done, I have to stand over them while they do it.

If they need to pick up things in their bedroom, the living room, any room in the house actually, I have to stand over them to ensure it is done.

I have to not only wash their clothes, I have to put it away too otherwise, who knows where it will end up.

This leaves absolutely no time for me to do the other things I need to do, like study for my A+ Certification tests that I have to pass to keep my new job or to clean my own bedroom, or my car.


I try to talk to Jen about this but, she doesn't have kids of her own and doesn't understand how frustrating being a single parent is. What I typically get from her is "These are choices you have made..." or "They have never really been made to do these things, you are going to have to stand over them to make sure they get it done."

Thanks for the support honey...

I don't know what do with this.

First off, GDZ, breathe. There. And another deep one. Good. Still alive? Great.

These things are not insurmountable. Note the double negative. Let me say it in the positive way: You can get through this. Many of us have.

I know what it was like to be a single parent for a while. It sucked to be me. Balancing the needs of even one child with the percieved priorities in my life was tricky at best. You've got two kids to think about. And your job and career opportunities. And your budding relationship with a wonderful lady. And the regular slog of bills. And any unfinished business with your ex-thing. And cetera...

Man, oh, man. If only you had someone to talk this over with right now, I'm sure it would give you some relief. Maybe calling your significant other and asking her to just listen for a bit about what is eating away at you might help. If you're looking for a quick fix to the situation, that probably won't happen. It'll be one step at a time.

With that in mind, perhaps you want to make a short list of the things that are bothering you the most right now. Take a second scan of them and put them into some priority order. Which one would you tackle first to get the 'most bang for your buck'? Which one could bring some sense of peace back into your life? Would you have to have help from the people around you to accomplish it? Then talk to them about it.

Clear the air and let them know you're struggling with this whole situation. Help them see there's a real need for things in your shared lifestyle that could work better if... Fill in the blank. Get them to buy into it. After all, if you go down the tubes, they're going with you. I'm sorry if that sounded harsh and callous; sometimes the other folks involved need to understand what's at stake. That may make it clearer for them to grasp how much is riding on your family's lifestyle and well-being.

It may take several repititions of this 'buy in' plea before they truly grasp the enormity of it, so keep letting them know each time they help how much you appreciate the assistance. After a while, you should notice them taking a more active role in the whole thing. It will take you being by their sides during some tasks, but not all of them. It will be even better for you to be by their sides just to praise them and to hold them when they've done a good job of it.

Be brave. Ask for help. From your kids and your lady friend. You're not in this alone. They are your family and you are part of them. Hold fast to that and build each other up. Strength to stregth. Shoulder to shoulder. You'll all grow up together and be better for it.
manlymanly
B4youbreakdownandhireamaid

Not bad advice at all

I know this may sound very easy and lecturing, but in my mind two things above all will make things work out in the long run - love and consequence.

The latter is not about "making them feel the consequences!" - it's just that it's necessary to follow up and stand on every thing you say. If you say "pick up those socks", be prepared to stay with it until the socks are picked up. Etc. This is "hovering over them" while they do things, yes - at least for a while. Sooner or later - in my experience sooner as kids are quick to sense such things - it'll start helping.

As for the love bit, I've seen you with the kids. I don't doubt that that'll work

One last thing could be to choose your battles - much as B4 says. Mrs SG V went to a talk at school about teenagers, of which we have one very qualified

The lady giving the talk said something like "and realise that teenagers require approx 4 inches of stuff on the floor of their room for insulation in order not to be perpetually cold. If you can close the door, do so - and live with it until it passes. Which may not be until they move out but then it usually does."

So we've simply stopped arguing about the state of 13's floor. Was hard in the beginning, yes - but it's been a blessing of sorts, too.

Hang in there - we all have these crisis with our kids and they are possible to get through.

Thanks B4, Santra.

Have you had the 'we are a family and we all have responsibilities to each other' talk with the kids? I find this helps them to understand that it is just not Mom or Dad doing what serves them, but that everyone contributes to making life nice for everyone else.

I suggest consequences for the kids, too. Somewhat differently from Santra, though. You can try something like presenting them with their basket of clean, folded laundry and tell them, go put this away in your dresser by 4 o'clock. If it is not done by then, you won't be permitted to watch (insert favorite tv program) today. You don't stand over them, you just check to see if the task is done at 4 o'clock. You give them a clear task with a clear consequence. No yelling, just cause and effect. The key is to never, ever back down on the consequence, so make sure it is something easily enforced. It takes some time for them to get the message, but I found it worked for me and mine.