h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well, what can one say at times like these... Certainly there are enough false gods around without you cluttering up the scenery - usually suffices.

The nerve of some people impersonating me, it really makes me angry...

* it's about this point that the earth rubbles, lightning peals and small furry animals know best and find some study shelter *

Honestly, the whole God business isn't everything its cracked up to be you know, honestly you wouldn't like it, not in the slightest. What with rising before dawn (that would be the first one in creation & hopefully getting a rest...whenever), getting in the newspaper, (the edition with the COMPLETE daily news to memorize) and little job satisfaction (Well, I don't get an awful lot of praise anymore)

Your much better off bringing down upstart religions like Islam & Buddism

Otherwise, I might have to hand you over to our 'Southern' division...

- Hail ! Hail ! - An atmospheric variation to let everyone know who's BOSS...

Well, you are quite a stuffy fellow aren't you! Pompous, too. I never said I was the christian god, who would want to be? I just said I was God. And don't be daft and simply assume that the christian god is the only god. Anyway, I was at H2G2 first, so it's you who are stealing my name, not the other way around. If you were THE GOD, then you would've noticed me eons ago, and gotten rid of me.

*the unexpected sound of muffled giggling drifts from the corridor, accompanied by the squelch of retreating boots as they tiptoe away across the flagstones.. shortly GOD and God hear the beating of large wings, and the sound of uncontrollable, UNmuffled giggling*

HEE HEe Hee hee hee he...! ! !

*splat!*


darn telephone poles....

* HE tries to put the sheer affront out of his mind - fails *

* HE takes time out to consider his reply whilst thinking 'It's not to late to go back into the ‘Fire & Brimstone’ business, Sonny Jim...' . The wheels of the beyond ancient mind start churning away like they have never done since the first sketches of Creation, before a serene smile tip-toes from his lips like a small girl who has just received a skipping rope. Finally HE thinks 'Right...!!!' *

* HE clears his throat... *

* Mountains shudder, boats bobble around in harbours in sheer awe, small furry rodents burrow yet deeper still, for they know only too well the drill at times like these... *

Well !!! If you were a God from around this region you would know of our little ‘contrivance’ the likes of Lord Vishnu, Allah and Buddha have managed to come up with. We consider it an affront to simply waltz around pretending to represent all & sundries religious interests - with all the inherent contradictions that represents...

As far as the matter of ‘who came first’ nonsense, some of us have reality to deal with ! Mark MY words it is not something you take time out of on a mere whim. With the millions of billions of things I have to do on a daily basis, I simply haven't had the time. If you are really a God you would understand all the subtle nuances of inter-stellar space, the fact of humanity and their unlimited wants, how small butterflies can really mess up some quite mindbogglingly complex calculations in an instant.

* HE makes a mental note to do away with Butterflies... *

As far as noticing you eons a go, I simply don't have time to go around dealing with everyone who says 'Hallelujah ! You can call me God from now on...'

Besides all that, I have evidence !!!

* HE searches in his robes for a couple of things, HE hands over a small picture frame with a picture inset of four drinking buddies... *

You see, that is Buddha, Allah, Lord Vishnu & I. Obviously, it was before Allah went on the wagon of course. In the background you can see some of the anarchic pagan gods mucking about...

* HE produces another item from his robes which looks like a small membership card, his thumb slightly obscures the name... *

Look, here is MY membership card to the Supreme Beings League, and they don’t just let in any old immortal you know !!!

* HE searches further around for another photograph. *

Look, here is me at the Celestial School of Excellence receiving MY commendation for 3rd Place in Universe Building - Jr Section.

* Points at Archangel Zax... *

Tell him Zax, you have been to Heaven...

* Zax stares blankly... *

You See !!! You See !!! I bet you don't even know where Heaven is...

All that said though, St.Peter's ‘microfish’ records seem to have become a little corrupted ever since he thought, he had a secret admirer, and opened up an e-mail entitled 'I love you !!!', and I have been drinking a little of late...

* Zax face goes ' '... *

So, I will give you an opportunity to prove your God status.

I am thinking of a number between 1 and 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,000.

If you can tell me what it is, I'll will accept that you could be apart of the immortal establishment...

- Simply, High Spirited.