h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Here's an interesting episode from the days when magick stalked the land and people said 'forsooth' and such. We take you back to an ancient kingdom, kind of like in 'Game of Thrones', but without dragons. First the episode, then the h2g2TVLand review by our own Alan Steppenwolf.

2 Kings 20

In those days Hezekiah [Orlando Bloom] became ill and was at the point of death. The prophet Isaiah [Martin Freeman] son of Amoz went to him and said, 'This is what the Lord says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover.' Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the Lord, 'Remember, Lord, how I have walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and have done what is good in your eyes.' And Hezekiah wept bitterly.

Before Isaiah had left the middle court, the word of the Lord came to him: 'Go back and tell Hezekiah, the ruler of my people, 'This is what the Lord, the God of your father David, says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you. On the third day from now you will go up to the temple of the Lord. I will add fifteen years to your life. And I will deliver you and this city from the hand of the king of Assyria. I will defend this city for my sake and for the sake of my servant David.'

Then Isaiah said, 'Prepare a poultice of figs.' They did so and applied it to the boil, and he recovered.

Hezekiah had asked Isaiah, 'What will be the sign that the Lord will heal me and that I will go up to the temple of the Lord on the third day from now?'

Isaiah answered, 'This is the Lord’s sign to you that the Lord will do what he has promised: Shall the shadow go forward ten steps, or shall it go back ten steps?'

'It is a simple matter for the shadow to go forward ten steps,' said Hezekiah. 'Rather, have it go back ten steps.'

Then the prophet Isaiah called on the Lord, and the Lord made the shadow go back the ten steps it had gone down on the stairway of Ahaz.

At that time Marduk-Baladan [Adam Driver] son of Baladan king of Babylon sent Hezekiah letters and a gift, because he had heard of Hezekiah’s illness. Hezekiah received the envoys and showed them all that was in his storehouses—the silver, the gold, the spices and the fine olive oil—his armory and everything found among his treasures. There was nothing in his palace or in all his kingdom that Hezekiah did not show them.

Then Isaiah the prophet went to King Hezekiah and asked, 'What did those men say, and where did they come from?'

'From a distant land,' Hezekiah replied. 'They came from Babylon.'

The prophet asked, 'What did they see in your palace?'

'They saw everything in my palace,' Hezekiah said. 'There is nothing among my treasures that I did not show them.'

Then Isaiah said to Hezekiah, 'Hear the word of the Lord: The time will surely come when everything in your palace, and all that your predecessors have stored up until this day, will be carried off to Babylon. Nothing will be left, says the Lord. And some of your descendants, your own flesh and blood who will be born to you, will be taken away, and they will become eunuchs in the palace of the king of Babylon.'

'The word of the Lord you have spoken is good,' Hezekiah replied. For he thought, 'Will there not be peace and security in my lifetime?'


REVIEW OF THIS EPISODE:

Wow. your reviewer did not see that coming. We sort of thought the audience had got tired of Hezekiah by now. He hasn't been helping the action much lately, and frankly, his tendency to suck up to the neighbouring powers is annoying. Yeah, sure, Marduk-Baladan is a ratings winner (we all stan his beard!), but in terms of the Judah homefront, this lame wishy-washy politician with his phony piety is a total loser. We were hoping the showrunner would take this opportunity to write him out of the script. But oh, no: instead, we get the old prayer-and-repentance narrative, plus a little hocus-pocus with syrup of figs.

[Research: That oracle, 'the internet', says fig stalks can be used in a poultice to remove warts. Surely Hezekiah isn't dying of warts?]

Of course, the real show-stopper is the clock going backwards. The sundial, that is. Cool move. Full marks to the special effects guys. Who needs dragons? We've got eddies in the space-time continuum! That tension with the steps was top-drawer stuff, and justifies paying for the premium channel.

This seems like a lot of filler - at first. We're itching to get back up to Israel: we miss the spy narrative. You gotta pay attention to get the point of what the showrunner's after here. There's something building here - a message that explains this whole universe and everything that happens in it. Sure, Hezekiah is all 'call God, pray, send for the prophet', when he's got a killer case of the boils. But when that cool dude Marduk-Baladan sends his high-class emissaries to LITERALLY INSPECT THE GOODS with a view to territorial expansion? Nada. Oh, we're all 'I'm a great statesman', thank you so much. Don't need any help.

We haven't seen next season's lineup, but we suspect it's not a spoiler to assume there's going to be some invasion footage. Probably with camels. Knowing the director, probably some war elephants.

What's wrong with this Hezekiah character? There's a clue here. Isaiah says, hey, dummy. Your kingdom's going to get conquered. But Hezekiah thinks (voiceover), 'Well, that's okay. Things will be fine in my time.' What a creep.

It makes you think, doesn't it? About how the real problem is that people want everything to go their way now - and don't plan for the kids. They double-down on refusing to do the hard work to make their society better, and then the future has to deal with the consequences.

We get this postscript:

As for the other events of Hezekiah’s reign, all his achievements and how he made the pool and the tunnel by which he brought water into the city, are they not written in the book of the annals of the kings of Judah? Hezekiah rested with his ancestors. And Manasseh his son succeeded him as king.

That tunnel will feature in another episode, we guess - it's a nice little Easter egg there - but we're not looking forward to Manasseh.

And people call this kind of show 'escapism'.

h2g2TVLand Extra: A glimpse of Marduk-Baladan's beard.
http://www.alamy.com/stock-photo-marduk-baladan-or-merodach-baladan-ii-chief-of-the-bit-yakin-tribe-57353406.html