h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Just at this time of year...could even be the same date as tonight, many decades ago my uncle was killed in a motorbike accident.

A police car was parked in a stupid place on the bend in a road.

He was only 16. My uncle moved out to overtake. He was wearing a crash helmet..but hadn't done it up...that's the hard truth.. So when his Triumph slipped on the wet leaves..and he was thrown from the bike..his skull was smacked hard against the ground because the helmet had flown off.

They said he had severe brain damage. Within 3 days he was dead. Probably SoRB would say he got what he deserved therefore.

That uncle had done everything with me. Took me out on his raft on ponds. Took me to the orchard for shooting practice with his air rifle. Took me to his friends for fireworks.

The only reason he was riding on that road was because his parents, my grandparents, had decided to move house. Obviously all his friends were living near his old house. He was coming home from visiting them.

Moving house is something our family do purely for reasons of monetry ambition. No account of anything else is ever taken.

It has caused untold tragedy. That won't even be allowed to be talked about to this day.

Okay Uncle Vernon, I dedicate this journal to you...I didn't talk about it in decades 'til now.

It utterly, utterly cripples you for life when you can't talk about stuff...despite what I've read here about certain theories..about just carry on regardless..and not stir things up.

And it's is very, very good that I feel able to post about it here now. Be it many decades too late.

If someone on h2g2 ever again hopes I die in a car crash that isn't my fault..I'll link them to this.

I shouldn't have stirred up all this stuff to do with Uncle Vernon. But it was buried for so long..as was the other stuff to do with the move ever since the BBC made the announcement to sell us.

I can hardly control any of it now..it was buried so long.

It's frightening..cos they might ban me.

No-one here understands. And I'm not a nasty malicious vindictive person.

I'll try my very best not to post much..but instead phone people and talk about things.

It's the best thing I ever did to start this journal.

He was the most lovely person. As a very small child and the first grand child I completely worshipped him.

At the age of 4 he already had showed me how to shoot his air rifle..and start up his motorbike..even though I couldn't actually do that.

And he showed me how he had built his rafts. He got into a lot of trouble for taking me out on the water on my own. My mother came with me the next day..it wasn't half the fun.

And leading up to bonfire night he was forever letting off fireworks with his friends.

And it was because it was autumn that there were wet leaves on the road that caused the accident.

It wasn't his fault..and that police car should never have been parked on that bend. It was tricky for him to overtake in case something was coming towards him.

It was the most terrible thing for all of us. They switched off the machine because of the degree of brain damage. I was only 4 or 5 but I could take it all on board.

And I could take on board the shutters coming down that meant it couldn't be discussed.

At that firework night that year, my mother was crying in the darkness..but she wouldn't say what about.

For christ sakes he was only 16...and as full of LIFE as you could imagine...

Hey Effers,
We've only met briefly in threads, and I hope you don't mind me coming to visit your journal.


Milla

He was such a lovely person like you wouldn't believe. I loved him with all my heart. I still have his ukelele.

How do you come to terms with someone like that having their brains smashed to pieces at 16?

That's why no-one could ever talk about it. It was too impossible to understand.

It was as if it never happened. Or he hadn't even really been alive..so he couldn't die then.

I cannot believe how vivid it is..like it happened today and it happened not far off 50 years ago.

(I see my posts are be hidden in other places. And I have no control over that whatsoever. So I can leave if I don't like it.)

This is England 2011 and a fair few of my words today have been considered too dangerous to be revealed on this website

Uncle Vernon you were probably right to shuffle off your mortal coil.

In the big scheme of things it won't be long til I'll join you, thank god.

I've been thinking about your Uncle Vernon since you posted this, Effers. Over the last week we've had six kids between the ages of 14 and 16 killed in two separate crashes. I can't imagine what the families would be going through.

I had an older cousin, about the same age difference as you and your uncle. Our extended family has always been spread across the country and a little disconnected, but I remember very distinctly the last visit I had with this cousin and the feeling of utter joy on that afternoon of pointless playing.

The next I heard of her, she'd hit a patch of ice and slid into oncoming traffic.

Her parents were shattered and took to drinking quite a lot.

It's not good to bury things.

Hi again Effers,
what a sad story this is, about your uncle. And you too, anhaga.

I think this journal is a good thing too. To remember the good about someone, and still not denying that a horrible thing happened. I think so many shy away from difficult issues, but in the right place, those discussions are good. If you're ok with it, I'd like to hang out here with you.

Hey Milla it's lovely you came here.

Sorry I didn't respond to your earlier message.

I'd love you to hang around.

It'll be good to get to know another person here who clearly has sensitivity about things like this.

I try to be understanding...
I've not had personal problems much, apart from regular depressions, and a divorce, but my brother and his fiancee are not the happiest ones, so it's not completely strange to me to have problems.
Just trying to be a friend.

Regular depressions and a divorce sounds pretty strong stuff to me.

Yes of course everyone has problems. But with my illness it means stuff eats into the very marrow of your soul.

I had a lot of psychotherapy to try to create some 'defences' which haven't formed when I was a child..that enables people to a degree cope better with 'problems'.

Most people take these more or less for granted. When you don't have them..you frequently wonder how you can go on at all.

The psychotherapy didn't really do that job..although it was an incredible journey of learning.

It really sounds like a tough condition to live with. I have only half formed questions right now, so I'll just hang out, and try to listen.

I had just a few sessions (maybe ten?) of supporting talks, I'm not sure I can call them psychotherapy even. It helped me immensely, but yes, it was tough. One of my problems is expecting too much of myself, and never asking for help until I'm worn out. If ever... So when my therapist asked me "Is that a reasonable demand? Would you expect someone else to do that much?" things started dawning. Still working on that of course.

How did you find therapy, other than "a journey of learning"?

The journey of learning was really the main thing. And I'm pleased because it was done with a psychiatrist at the main teaching hospital in London for that specialisation. Though she was obviously now specialising in psychotherapy as a qualified doctor.

At the end after several years she told me she had learnt an incredible amount that she could use to help others. I was so pleased about that.

Learning and gaining knowledge is one of the main pleasures for me in life..so even though I don't think it helped so much emotionally it helped in another way.

But still I always held back. More stuff has come up for me that I can't control, since the BBC announced h2g2 was to be sold on, than in all that time of therapy.

Sometimes the most unexpected things can trigger stuff to do with the Unconscious.


**

You don't just have to listen. You can talk about your own stuff as well if you want. I like sharing things with people.

When I had my initial assesment, I was asked to tell a dream I had had recently.

I spoke about a dream where I was in some sort of big room..and there were all kinds of layers of old wall paper on the wall..some half peeling off..like you get when people have redecorated over many decades.

I had a hammer and chisel and started chiseling into the wall.

A swarm of wasps suddenly started emerging..so I immediately stopped.

The interpretation is obvious. But it just came into my mind to say that dream..out of all the many I have..and I didn't see the connection straight away which is amazing. But the assessor of course immediately understood and said that was a good sign.

In one way it was. But in another it showed me I was to scared to carry on with the chiselling and allow the wasps to come out.

... and when they escape, you don't have to fear them anymore, they can go away
And perhaps you don't need a chisel, but a gentler tool, so as not to irritate the buggers?

I dream lots too. Usually about crowds, for some reason. I don't do to well when there are too many people I don't know but I feel I should interact with them. On stage is a different matter though, I'm in a role, and I don't have to be personal with strangers then.

I wonder why leaving the BBC was so hard for you? I hope you don't feel it's too bad now though.

I haven't a clue whether someone like me will be able to cope here now.

Some stuff I've read here already makes me feel very worried.

But lots of people will really prefer it I think.



I do actually love chisels. I did a woodwork course and really got to understand the art of sharpening them..and how you can do amazing things with them in shaping wood. And how different types of wood are worked. My favourite is cherry. And when you use a chisel with wood you have to be very sensitive and aware obviously..otherwise stuff will splinter and split.

But yeah in that dream it was full on hacking...not very sensitive at all

My favourite joint is the half blind dovetail.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dovetail_joint

**

It's fun chatting with you Milla. I feel pretty at home with you. I hope you are to.

I'm quite intrigued what you are meaning to do with being on stage. Are you meaning that meataphorically?

No, I really mean on stage- singing in choir, and having little extra parts in musicals now and then.

Woodwork, eh? I keep seeing dovetail joints where every angle seems to go in a way that it must be impossible to put the pieces together, but it's beautiful.

I do feel at home, and I hope you can stay around, feeling good about things too. Most people are ok, I think. Some can be fairly confrontational, some get impatient, but generally, most people I've met are fine. People, you know, with faults and beauties.

I'd love to hear more about the choir and musicals. I did a little acting a few years ago and singing, myself. I've tried nearly everything a person can do in life I think.

To be honest, no I don't feel at all good about things here..too much to explain to do with that though. But there are some really lovely decent courageous people still here who talk to me or email...so that's good.

I can get confrontational and impatient..usually in response to some upset...I would *never* set out to be like that.

I've had a lot of complications here..but we've just met so lets take it forwards..that'll be really nice for me and you to I hope.