h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The trip to Limassol went swimmingly. The business I needed to conduct was completed in under ten minutes and that left my wife and I plenty of time for lunch and shopping. Unfortunately for me, the time allocated for each activity was biased more toward shopping, as were the funds, but it was an enjoyable day nonetheless.

As expected, I did see some imaginative driving skills on each leg of the journey, but nothing that I'd normally write home about or even raise an eyebrow to now. I've become desensitised, you see, and fully expect to witness the entirely expected. There was the usual tailgating, undertaking, mobile phone use and speeding, but these are all normal occurrences, as were the tractors, mopeds, JCB's, quad-bikes and tourist buggies that were all seen at regular intervals along the motorway. These vehicles are, of course, banned from using the high-speed roads because they are inherently dangerous when plodding along at 30km/h while others commute at 100. I did get rather a shock when a Kawasaki ZX screamed past at around 200km/h, but only because the riders passenger was wearing nothing but a bikini. Admittedly, she did have a helmet, as did the rider, yet neither of the safety devices were positioned on their heads where one would reasonably expect them to be. Fear not, because both rider and passenger were complying fully with the law in this respect which states the wearing of helmets is compulsory. Unfortunately the law does not state on which part of the body said devices should be positioned so an arm is, therefore, adequate.

There's also very little chance that the twice-limit speed at which they were travelling would be challenged. Until late 2008 Cyprus had a comprehensive network of speed-cameras but these were found to be lacking in many technical respects. Although successful at capturing images of speeding pigeons and grazing goats, they were less reliable at recording the speed of moving vehicles. If you were unlucky enough to be summonsed to court for a speeding offence, all you had to question as part of your defence was reliability statistics. The cameras have since been removed and the network mothballed.

Despite irregularities in some of the driving enforcement procedures, some positive thinking has now been enacted. As an example, all hire cars (the transport of choice for tourists) are fitted with red number plates, front and rear, making them (and the occupants) easily identifiable. Sceptically, I have now formed the opinion that this is no longer to indicate that the tourist drivers may be frequently lost or unaware of local road layouts, but more to inform the tourists that any other colour of plate is likely to be under the control of a moron.

Tax discs and MOT certification is now no longer permitted to be displayed in the windscreen lest it should impeded the drivers view. This could be considered a positive safety move but again, sceptically, I fear that the safety advantage is undermined by the 30% of cars that do not have a current MOT, the 23% that are not taxed, the 19% that are uninsured and the 11% who do not possess (and have never possessed) a driving licence. At least they are anonymous now.

There's also the issue of the recent 'white-plate issue' where newly-registered cars are now required to be fitted with white registration plates on both the front (previously white) and the rear (previously yellow). When one-way streets are frequently ignored, how does one now determine who's on a collision-course, aiming for you, at night? Is it a new white-white, an older white-yellow, a trade-plated white-red/white-red, a tourist red-red, a UN blue-blue, a 'T' white-white taxi, a 'T' white-yellow taxi, a 'T' white-white-blue bus, a 'T' white-yellow-blue bus, a black-black vintage, a white-yellow/banded-red from up north, simply not plated (illegal, unregistered, fallen off) or belonging to the president (who for reasons of diplomatic-immunity) does not require one?

You'll be pleased to hear that we got back safely and spotted the president no less than four times. In times of austerity, we were amazed at the number of vehicles he utilised on his important parliamentary business; a 1989 Peugeot 306, a 2003 Ford Transit, a Mercedes-powered 40-footer and a Massey Fergusen tractor.

Glad you made it safely there and back on that long arduous journey. for the driving though.