h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Tis was on the 34th of Octember, when night fell and no one was around to pick it up.The church bells chimed 1300 hours, the vicar had not put the clocks back, a crime that he had spent the last 6 months in jail for, or? was it 4 month in jail six, that we will not know until the 25 year official secrets act comes into force.
Anyway, it was about this time when the tomb of the unknown vampire opened and out came a most fearsome vampire, shrouded in a greyish blue mist. This was a sad case, for this vampire had amnesia, he knew he had to come out, but no idea what for and by the time he could begin to work out why, the sun came up and he to go back inside his coffin.
Now back to the story, because that wasn't it, I'd been to the doctors and even he could not tell me why my left foot took a size 6 shoe and my right foot took size 11?. I had a feeling that the car driver knew something, but he didn't stay long enough to explain, not that he even got out of his car.
Anyway, it was on the 34th of Octember, when night fell, or did it? there were no indications that it was tripped or anything other than an accident, the clues led to it being natural, but for night to fall every night, is a bit to much of a coincidence for me. Plenty of witnesses, but no one was talking, must have fallen out with each other. So! as I was saying, during my investigations, it became obvious that something was amiss, I'd asked the butler, but he was married, so who was this miss?, the plot thickened. But as I'm the best detective going, nothing will escape me, but where was I going, I'll put that in my diary for later. Now time was running out to solve this case, I knew the combination of one lock but not the other and my cucumber sandwiches and flask were inside the case. I've always been cool, so I was not panicing, the horse had bolted, because the stable door was left open, so that ruled him out, The upstairs maid was and the crime had been downstairs, so she was clear, his Lordship was a suspect, but as he was dead, I'd have to wait to interogate him. Now the gardener, something rang a bell here-gardener/cucumbers! did he know something about my sandwiches and my case combination-this needed further scrutiny. Her Ladyship was with the chauffeur, strange? showing her the Highway code in his bed, but thats nobility for you. So that left only me and as I could not account for myself and no witnesses, it must have been me, at this deduction, I arrested myself on suspicion of the crime, of which I now have to investigate. So re-tracing my steps, it was on the 34th of Octember, when night fell......................................................

I'm worried...

I'm very worried...

NO, I'm very VERY worried...

















I understood all of that!!!!

I love it!!!

By the way, I DO wear different size shoes.

reputation's are hard to come by, mine was dead easyidiots rule ok!!

that was wonderful,
I cant express it any better, wow

I thoroughly enjoyed that!

*giggles* Shhh! I'm not back yet! But I'm online for a minute and this caught my eye!! I'm glad it did!

Comming back for another read of that later... brilliant.....

Fun story Manimal

The Inspector's case..Episode two..or another bit added on to the first bit...



While out walking and re-tracing my steps in a forward direction, I saw in front of me, well! I didn't realy have a saw in front of me, tenon or rip, I mean! its not the sort of thing an inspector in the police force would have on his person, but there in front of me, I saw an half, Now! I thought that was strange? because you don't see many halfs on the floor. But silly me! after picking myself up, covered in oil, I now know it was an hole. Now I know I'm not paranoid, but picking myself up takes some explaining?. I'm not that easy or cheap, so I cautioned myself that it was an offence to solicit and told myself to move on, so walking on and covered in oil from the hole, I now know it was fisshoil(fish hole)which is my dialect for Fish and Chip shop. But back to the crime in hand, now! with his lordship being dead and taking the fifth ammendment in refusing to talk, makes my solving this case very hard. Her ladyship could have read my mind,because she said it was very hard to the gardener. Then all of a sudden! it hit me, but looking around, I couldn't see who threw it, I could not ascertain the time this happened, for I'd forgot to put my watch one hour forward the day before. Before I took this case,I'd been reading a book and at the end, the butler did it.So my next task was to interogate the butler and he wasn't going to fool me by saying he was buttlering at the time of the murder and how did he know it was a murder, if he wasn't there. My suspicions were growing and that was odd? I'd planted Tulips. I had to make out a P756/834-9982 requirement requisition form for three pairs of shoes, it is extremely hard trying to question a chauffeur whilst he is driving the Rolls Royce and the Chief Inspector will not allow me a car, after the slight accident I had, he has only another 9 month before the body cast is removed,it was his fault, he should have sat at a different table away from the window in the cafe. Having recorded the words of the chauffeur, I went back to the manor, to question the butler. The poor man! he was under the illusion that I was a school teacher, he kept calling me Sir, so not to confuse him further, I gave him some lines and 2 hours detention. Now it was the gamekeepers turn, he said he was with the upstairs maid and as she was, he was cleared as well. I needed extra information, so I asked forensics what they had come up with..stabbed 20 times/shot 11 times/poisoned/tyre marks on his torso and head found 2ft away from the body, with feet missing. So I deduced that that ruled out suicide and that he fought with his murderer, because he could not run away, not having both feet. I now narrowed down my suspects to one!, the only one who knew all the details and where everyone was, so he could move about without being seen and that again, led me to me. So having retraced my steps, I knew that if I questioned myself enough, I would crack and the crime would be solved, so again I arrested myself, but this time I would not grant me bail, in case I made a run for it, but I had to prove my innocence somehow....It is not over yet

it just gets weirder and of course more wonderful

Hi, Hughie Phewey's the name, member of the local hole in the wall gang, y'know the usual, knives sharpened, simple vasectomies while you wait, virgins altered, that kind of thing, estimates free, mating charged at the going rate set by M.P.'s (pick of the litter required - don't blame me, somebody called Blunkett introduced that one)

Anyway, back to the thing in hand (no not that one), that old Gasgonoff is a right pillock, we just call him 'pop', he hasn't a clue, well he has really, he just don't know what they look like, he was shown one once but he's a bit mutton jeff and he though they said glue, he never went near one again, thought they looked like sticky situations.

He listed all them things wot was done to the old Guy but still missed the point, or at least where the point went in, he was speared by a stick of deep frozen Rhubarb, sharpened to a point and fired from a crossbow, Rhubarb was chosen 'coz it's out of season and no-one would suspect, it had to be forced sticks but then Rhubarb never was that co-operative. It was pulled out and wiped and then made into a crumble, it was thought that no-body would rumble a crumble, not 'till the next morning anyway. A bit broke off though and it took the Blacksmths i out then both were grabbed by a which ran off, having run off it then ran away.

There's a lot more going on that old pop smelly knows about but if he's locked himself up it will have to wait.

Must go, I'm on nights.

What you need to do is you need to get together with 2legs and write something... that's bound to be seriously !

the inspector, will be back, in the final installment. Most do a trilogy, but he's decided to just do three..you'll have to wait....

This is the Episode after the last Episode, which was not the first Episode....


Having all the clues to the murder and taken all the interveiws, I had to convince this man in the white coat of who I was. The room I was in was very well done, the walls had a soft feel to them. I thought! what a clever idea, in case someone tripped, but the interior decorator was rubbish, leaving them plain white and the big mirror on the wall was to high. I would be taking notes of this, but the coat they gave me to keep warm, had very long arms and had to be tied behind, to stop tripping up, handy that the walls were soft. Now being an Inspector, you have to have keen sence's, so I had noticed that everytime I said I was Inspector Gas-gone-off Is-not-on, slowly so they could understand me, four men in white coats came in the room and plugged my coat into the wall socket, at which electricity flowed into me. I told them that the makers of the warming jacket had made a bad conection in the wiring. These men must have been very thirsty!they kept saying more juice, more juice. Now I don't berate our medical doctors, but these men were thick, as soon as I said I'm not Inspector Gasgoneoff Isnoton, but Napoleon Boneparte, they left,saying he's ok now!!. So here was my chance, because Napoleon only had one arm behind him and the other in his vest, they took the coat off. The arms were very very long, but playing their game, I said !in my best french accent, can I inspect the troops before we give battle with wellington. They replied! no problem Boney, go right ahead. I walked down a corriador to another room, much larger and to my surprise, there were 5 Napoleon's walking about and lots of people gibbering and making weird noises, they must have been practicing for a play. But then, I was given a blow to stagger the strongest, at one side of the room playing darts, was his lordship, alive as well and the gardener was playing cards with the upstairs maid, I stood rooted to the spot!, which is hard when there's no soil and nothing will grow on a spot anyway. A man in a white coat came up and said your cognac Napoleon, now thick white fluid, is not Cognac and I said do you take me for a fool!, at which 4 men in white coats brought my long armed coat, I told them that I was warm enough, but they insisted that I put it on, maybe a cold spell was coming, so I let them. Knowing that after defeating Wellington, I was going to court marshall them, for insulting their Emperor.... Maybe his lordship had a twin brother, I'll ask him later....

Prof, remind me again why you needed my Forensics?

great! though!

Have you only just found this Ben?

yep, the prof just sent me a link!