h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My second parachute jump, was nearly my last. I came out of the plane(as you do)but I got what you call, a line over(where one of the cords is over the top of the parachute),at this, you have to get your reserve chute out.Funtime, firstly you pull a pin out of the holder, then lift a flap and grab the chute with both hands and throw it downwards and forwards(no prob'). So pin out, flap up, grab...thin air...aarghhh!! where is reserve??? arh there it is, fallen between my feet, but then it envelopes up and behind me, where I am now in a upsidedown position. This is where I proved to myself how insane I am, I am shouting at the top of my voice :-my god, doesn't the sky look exceedingly green, with little things that look like trees, Ive joked about landing on my head, but this is f***ing rediculess. At this point, somehow I got the right way round, so into landing position- feet together..oh s***..where is my left leg...There you are, tangled in the cords of the reserve chute. Now!, to pull 40ft of air filled parachute towards you, is impossible, to climb up, a parachute, is impossible, I am now shouting:- this never happens to John Wayne, why has it always got to be me, I'm sweating, but not panicing..Now coming down from 2000ft, I am cross legged, pushing/pulling and anything else thrown in, trying to release the tension of the cords. Did it!! landing position achieved at house height and crunched into a farmers field behind runway. One of the instuctors came running through the crops I'd ploughed under, saying are you all right, my reply- not a bad landing was it, did it on purpose, when he picked his jaw up, he mummbled why??. Just to show you that us gods can be fallible...Now, to parachute from 2000ft, takes between 1.5 to 2 minutes- without a parachute, takes 19 seconds...I can say that was the longest 1 minute of my life. Then I went back and did two more jumps.........Like I say:- the Animal always see's humour in everything, even his own impending death

Insight No2

possibly in 1979, can't remember date, but it was on my dad's birthday, I w as involved in a car accident, I got threw out of a front passenger door and nutted a telegraph pole at about 70 mph. The police that came to the scene, could not tell what sex I was, because of the amount of blood, they covered me over saying:- that one's gone. But I must have moved?? I was taken to the nearest hospital and when they saw the extent of my injuries, I got a police escort to a main accident hospital a few miles away. This happened on a Sunday afternoon, I was on a life support machine for a day and half, Tuesday, coming out of anesthetics, I saw my parents and sister at the bed side(humour dropped in)I said sorry dad, I did not know what to get you for your birthday..Boy did I want to die then!! I realised where I was. Wednesday I'm walking and went to the toilet, where a patient was stood, I walked up to the mirror(every facial hair had been removed)and said:- Har tell me grasshopper!, turned and went out. This patient needed clean jammies,he'd wet em'. he came and said, that smash has sent you, anyone would look in the mirror to see watch they looked like, not saying grasshopper..A nurse said what are you doing, walking, you can't walk. I've been doing it for years I replied, yes but you shouldn't be able to walk(nurse) try telling my legs then..Do you want any painkillers? No thanks, haven't got headache, (nurse) you should be in pain!, I have not got an headache, nothing hurts(me). I then went home the following Wednesday..A month later on seeing the consultant, he said:- I have operated on heads for over 25yrs, I've gone to America to operate, when I saw you on the table, I gave you no odds whatsoever, I operated as practice, you sould not have come out alive, I was getting reports in my office- critical/critical, got up,telling jokes, walking, gone home, I went into the ward to check because I thought the nurses were taking the ****.
Whilst on the life support machine, a nurse who was monitoring me,saw me move my finger towards my nose, the nurse said put your hand down(I did)then I did it again, put your hand down( I said what's up, I'm only picking my nose)at this, she fell off her chair, my mother who was at the bedside, expecting my impending death asked what was wrong, the nurse said, thats impossible, he's technicaly dead(mam baffled asks more info), nurse replies if I turn that switch off, he dies, the machine is his life, but he moved and spoke, which is impossible because he is for want of a better word Dead!...
The car which had hit a brickwall, had both front seats ripped off their mountings, the steering wheel was sticking out of the passenger door and the bonnet was sent like a discus across the road and nearly cut two women in half. An eye witness, whose wall it hit said to the police, a body flew out of the car and did a Tom and Jerry head first into the telegraph pole and just slid down.
The Animalthinkism is:- that heaven doesn't want me and hell is scared I'll take over, therefore humanity has to put up with meDeath can only slow me down, it can't stop me

I have read these through twice!

Still can't think of a reply suitable for the s to accept!


lil xx

Glad you're still here to give us a laugh Animal.

Hi lil

Emmily

it isn't easy to wipe a specie's out

Yeh, they tried to whipe me out a few times too.... Thought they'd done it when they drove a articulated lorry over my head, but as there wasn't anything inside my head to damage it didn't really achieve much

By ek chuck....

you can't beat an hard head, even if there's nowt in it

Sure can't must be stronger now too, where all the bone has had to regrow and such like I've done well since then though, only been in two car crashs and one near derailiment of a train

Animal and 2legs, I suggest you ask to bring you a horse shoe, or rabbit paw for some good luck to avoid these 'mishaps' and in the meantime, here's something from me, to Animal, to 2legs Oh, if you win the lottery this week, remember who sent you the

Emmily

They make life more interesting you know? anyhow, I protect myself now by cushing the inside of my head with alcohol

with my head, its the old saying:- where there's no sense, there's now feeling. Hit mi wallet and it hurts, hit mi head, not a thing....Yorkshire logic..

2legs, you go around tripping trains up, to derail them, now THAT IS

I was only* a passenger on the train; it hit some obsticles some young kids had nicely left on teh track, and the train did a few jumps up and down off the rails, luckly it remained on the rails, though we got a broken window in our carage and I got some real* dirty looks as everyone went into stunned scilence, and I was heard to say, quite loud so everyone could hear it, as the train was still bouncing about a bit on the rails::
''Well it could be worse, we could all be sitting here in our own blood boiling to death in flames and burning deasil screaming in pain and anguish'' Train driver was relaly* cool; he leapt out of the train and ran down the track after the little kids who'd done it and nabbed them all

I like your statement, they should have tied the little (pass) to the tracks

If I'd known at the time I'd have set hte badgers on them in the end we had to wait for the Rail police to run up and take the kids away.... gues they got charged with it don't know for sure though

charged, no way, its a smack on the hand, naughty boys that could cause someone to get hurt, the human rights Richardheads would be moaning again if charged

I'd charge them, if I got me hands on them, I'd charge them, about 500 volts is what I'd charge them up with

wouldn't need an evil grin, I'd switch the power on for free, got to have plenty of amps though(so they'll fry well)

have you watch the discovery channel at night the show people like yourself that amazed doctors and lived there was one woman who was in a comma for 5 weeks and she just sat up in bed as nothing was wrong ,sure i have heard of people in bad car smashes and comming out alive when they should have been dead but ive never heard of someone smacking a poll with there head doing 70 mph b4 your a walking mircle man

Yeh, that does sound pretty horrific! I don't think I ever got the full details of my enouncter between my head and the articulated lorry, but I spent a few weeks in a coma and a month of so in ICU, before various stuff happened like a brain hemoridge asnd suchlike I got boared with hospital in the end, I kept having to go back time and time again over teh course of a year, in the end I'd stay for the opperation and discharge myself a few hours after I'd come round from teh anasetic, seemed to be the best way of avoiding infections, which I got one of after one opp tht was pretty nasty though I wouldn't mind to get me hands on the antibiotics they used, as I went from about 12 stone to under 6 cause I couldn't eat anything would relaly help me loose weight again now