h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

If you have read my P/S you’ll understand a little about me, but just to say, too me “humour” is everything.

I was instilled with, from my grandma (and also my mam) that there is always someone worse off than you. As a kid, I could not see it, but on hitting 20 years old, the blinkers were removed. So now I can quite easily use myself as the joke/humour and with my shape I am most definitely an ice breaker at parties (most invites accepted, within range).
SO! No matter what the world or anything else throws at you, whatever ails you?
Someone on this small planet, can and will be in a worse position than you are and therefore would wish to be in your shoes, because you have far less of a condition/problem than they will ever have.
Which gives to me? The thought of “What the Hell have I got to moan about”. From the events of my life that happened to me in 1970/71(20/21yrs), my eyes were truly opened! And from those days on, my role in life (mentioned to those who know me) was/is! To do anything in my power (err! Within reason), whatsoever, to use humour, in all its forms, to remove frowns and replace with smiles with anyone I met or had contact with. I can, with all honesty, say! That what you “see” of me on H2G2(HOOTOO)is exactly the same as in “real” life, ask those who have met me.
Therefore! To all who read this, no matter what the day, week, month or year might bring, a SMILE will still be worth its weight in gold and always keep one or two close by, they are made for sharing


here’s a little humour and “self jokes that I use” some could take as offensive, but the old adage is: - “If you can’t take it! Don’t give it!”


Two old men were sat in their local pub having a drink; one has a hunched back, while the other has a terrible limp and deformed leg due to disease as a child.

When it came to closing time, the one with the hunched back said, because it’s raining, shall we take the short cut down by the cemetery. ?

No way! Said his friend, there are ghosts in there.

Oh come on, don’t be stupid, there aren’t such things as ghosts!

No! You go if you want, I’ll take the long way if you don’t mind and I’m not bothered about getting wet
.
So the first man sets off to go home down by the cemetery, leaving the other to take the other route.

As he is walking by the side of the cemetery, all of a sudden a ghost jumps out and says “hey! What’s that on your back”. The old man stands there shaking! Pppaarrdonnn! The ghost says “WHAT’S THAT ON YOUR BACK”, the old man replies iiiitttt’ss annn humppp!

The ghost says “giz it” grabs it and runs off in to the cemetery and disappears, well! The old lad stands there shivering but manages to get himself home.

The next night at the local, his friend comes in and sees him jumping and dancing about and asks why.
He turns around to show his friend that his hump has gone.

Wow! Where’s the hump gone? His friend yells out!

A ghost! In the cemetery jumped out and took it (explaining the rest to him).

At this, the old man with the bad limp retorted! If I go down by the cemetery, I wonder if the ghost will take my gammy leg.
Well, if you’re brave enough, you’ll never know till you go down will you, his friend says.

They sat drinking their ale for the rest of the night and come closing, the one with the bad leg, said you take the long way round and I’ll see you at the other end and I’ll see if your ghost appears.

And off he went, as he’s part way past the cemetery, he’s having second thought’s, then without a sound, a apparition appears, he stands there shaking, then the ghost says “hoi! What’s that there on your back”, trembling he’s says “eeerrrrr! Wwhhhhaat eerr! Baaack?”

The ghost says again “HOI! WHAT’S THAT THERE, ON YOUR BACK”!

The old guy, trying to stay upright on his good leg, replies “I’ve got NOTHING! On my back” at which the ghost says “here then! Have a hump!”



Two old ladies on a sight seeing trip to France and as they pass by the Church of Notre dame they hear a scream! And the body of a man lands just in front of them, fallen from above, one old lady turns to the other and says “any idea who it is?” the other says no! But his face rings a bell.




In my teens, I once tried to become a professional footballer and play for Leeds United, but they only wanted full backs, not half backs.



My family were that poor, they couldn’t afford a crib, so I had to rock myself to sleep and I was the only baby around, to have a pram with a sump in it.




I was 13 years of age, before I realised that it was not going to get a yellow head on, I was hoping to get in to the Guinness book of records as having the biggest zit!



At the time of the first Gulf conflict, I went to an army recruiting office, wanting to join up as a sniper. The Sergeant asked what qualifications I had, I told him I could get to point blank of the enemy and couldn’t miss! He said how would you do that? My reply was I’d a stick budgie on my back and they would think I was a sand dune, but on no account stick a palm tree there, I don’t want to become a beauty spot.

There are other jokes and humour I use about myself, but those are not printable

Your 47/8 years old?

I am 51 years old MC- 52 in july...prof is I think slightly older than me..I could be wrong.
He still has a great sense of humour

Having met the Prof and his family I can say, without fear of contradiction, he is just the same in real life as on hooToo. He has the ability to make the darkest day the brightest. I, {along with a few others off HooToo} am proud to know him and to call him a true and loyal friend.

see you soon Prof.

animal
your will never die...even if you are 6 feet under...hope to see you before that...

how would they get me to lay down in a coffin Pheloxiand get the lid on

Now what are you upto, my friend??

told you I was working on a con-cushion jokejust got carried away

Who brought you back??

an odd shaped stretcher

How odd!!

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\-----/


sump

*giggles*

painful going up hills, I keep sliding off

can i use for the pains in my chest from laughing too much

that's one of the reason's I never really wanted joined the forces, I couldn't retreatbacks against the wall lads! Fat chance

Oy Vay!!

plus my trench would have to be deeper than everyone else'ssweat and toil

Are you still at it?

I'll go lie down