h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

If you're writing a letter of complaint, make sure everything you say sounds reasonable and rational. Do not allege that the waiting staff were stealing novelty plastic elephants and paper hats from the Christmas crackers. If you give voice to insane ideas, no-one will ever take anything you write seriously.

Did someone acuse your staff of stealing plastic elephants?

I better watch out when i'm pulling my cracker tonight, that all my elephants are there

But what about the ones that take the bubbles out of the bubble bath

That's a cause for instant dismissal, surely?

Might we be treated your reply to this complaint 'rich?

Novelty plastic elephants? I'd have expected a better class of cracker to be honest.

I take it the Harrod's account is, er, temporarily non-operative.

It's funny you should say that, Gosho; I did draft up a reply for the amusement of the office staff along the lines of:

The allegation that members of the waiting staff have been stealing the contents of the Christmas crackers is indeed a serious one, to which I have given much thought. There are two clear implications of this, both of which need addressing.

The first is that our staff are dishonest. This clearly deserves a reply, and I would state that I have full confidence in the integrity of the staff; perhaps more than I trust the honesty of our guests, who regularly remove towels from the hotel bedrooms. Moreover, the theft of a novelty toy or two would hardly make one a criminal mastermind, and I am still awaiting the first reports of organised gangs smuggling party poppers from the Far East. I am sure any thief worth his or her salt would perhaps look to steal something of financial or esoteric value rather than something which is left on the table at the end of the evening anyway, and would hope that my staff would at least have the initiative to set their eyes upon something that is actually worth stealing.

The second implication is that this company mistreats its Eastern European staff [the allegation was made against a male waiter, both of whom Eastern European] to the point where they experience such poverty that they are reduced to stealing bad jokes from crackers in order to sell them on the black market. I would like to reassure you that we do pay them a living wage and offer such perks as free meals; once in a while we also allow them to leave the hotel under supervision to explore the surrounding area before we shut them back in their cages. We have certification from the Humane Society to prove that we are treat all our animals, I mean staff, in the proper manner.


I don't know what my contact as the coach company is like, though, as I've never had any communication from him before. My actual reply used lots of vague expressions like 'much of this complaint, I am afraid, mystifies me...', which is a bit of a shame - I'd have loved to have sent the response above

Some of these letters you receive sound like they're coming from my mother.

I love your reply!

Has she been to Torquay lately?

No, but that wouldn't stop her from accusing your staff of doing things just to harrass her. Apparently all staff, everywhere, are employed purely to do just that.

Some of the complaint letters you share make me feel *so* much better. It's reassuring, somehow, to know that people are insane and rude to each other all over. I ought to share with you my story about the complaint I received once about our company's alleged involvement with MKUltra.

Please do It's always good to share the pain...

Whats the name of your hotel Rich? Its not Fawlty Towers by any chance is it?

I think I'm going to have spend a week at 'rich's place next time I come to visit the UK

As a paying guest, of course, so's I can be ornery as hell

Make sure you take some towels back with you, Gosho.

White elephant towels of course. As abused by all the best hotels. Their guests are crackers & there are special discounts for nuts. (Pee nuts: regard the loos afterwards; Brazil nuts "just talk to Ron", Hazel nuts "did someone mention UK politics?";Monkey nuts "er, actually, chimps seem brighter than the average student"; Macadamia nuts "ah yes, the latest idea to raise educational standards"...)

Ah well, at least you aren't Bernard Matthews, the bird flu gobbled up his Christmas bonus i should think.


Seasons Greetings Skanky....rather you than me mate!!!

(By the way, i played your last Xmas compilation CD to someone & they said "Wow! I want to meet this guy; his selection is better than any DJ i ever knew.")...he's been a professional musician for a long time & on that subject, he knows his stuff)

zdt

Surely the culprits would be easy to spot - the ones wearing paper hats who *aren't* pissed?