h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Pink-purple pixie-elves. Are they real? Do they exist? Can the millions of people around the world who stubbornly fail to continually report sightings of these increasingly mythical beasts really all be wrong? Much as I would love to be able to answer with an emphatic yes for to all of these questions, for the sake of journalistic integrity the answer must needs be no. Actually, even that can not even be correct. The true response to the questions posed above is more than just no. I’m afraid it’s no cubed.

And so, with such unpleasant and bubble-bursting pleasantries out of the way we move on. What, you may well not ask, with ill-disguised boredom (oh yes, I see you), is a pink-purple pixie elf? And I would congratulate you on the posing of such a pertinent question. Because with that you have, if you’ll pardon the expression, hit the nail right on the head (not good for the nail but bully for you). What is a pink-purple pixie-elf? A very good question, and one which brings the inevitable but still heart-breakingly disappointing response that of course, for starters, straight off the bat as it were: it’s not.

The pink-purple pixie-elf, in bitter confrontation with the standard laws of nomenclature, is not pink, or purple. It is neither pixie nor elf, and nor is it anything in between. And oh yes, of course, lest we forget: it’s not real. That’s the deal-clincher right there. That’s what takes the prize. They don’t exist. You can go through your cutlery drawer (that’s the drawer where you keep your cutlery, for those not in the know) with a fine-tooth comb and the Hubble Space Telescope and you won’t so much as catch a sniff. (Not with a telescope you won’t; wrong piece of kit for the job in hand is that. What you want is a nose.) And why won’t you find any pixie-elves? Because there aren’t any there, that’s why. You are looking, my fine but nose-less friend, in the wrong place.

Just you swing that enormous multi-million pound optical star-gazing device round through 180o and you might just give yourself a chance. That’s right. That’s where you want to be looking. If you’re after the enigma that is the pink-purple pixie-elf then you want to start off looking right inside your own head. That’s the natural habitat. That’s where they thrive. That’s the place to be. If you will insist on looking for something that doesn’t exist, your head’s the place to go.

Pink-purple pixie-elves, as you’ll discover when you finally spot one, are, in fact, as near to green in colour as you can get without actually leaving red behind. As I said, they aren’t pixies or elves and if you’re looking for something for a physical comparison then I’m afraid the closest I can give you is a heavily deformed camel with a very pronounced limp, an over-inflated ego, a very strong tail-wind and a speech impediment. If you happen to know of or (god forbid) own an animal that answer roughly to this description then what you may well have (apart from very bad luck) is a pink-purple pixie-elf which has escaped from your head. Threaten it with some amusing pasta shapes and see what happens. (What? Some people are that gullible.)

Awakening from their slumber for two hours between twelve and one o’ clock a pixie-elf’s day consists largely of setting up elaborate ambushes and lying in wait for bed-time before leaping suddenly and startlingly into a deep sleep. It is this extremely energetic lifestyle which keeps the pink-purple pixie-elf from falling happily into an eternal doze. Should you be gripped by the urge to trap a pixie-elf then you can do a lot worse than to try to tempt him (there are no female pink-purple pixie-elves, only males. No-one knows why, just one of life’s less important mysteries) with a hefty lump of snooze. The little beggars just can’t resist; gets them every time.

Of course, should you prove successful it would be entirely up to you what you do with your captive pixie-elf. It is however well worth remembering that whatever you decide you will never get it out of your head (pixie-elf, not decision). Dream about it; think about it; even fantasize about it if you wish (just please don’t tell me about it, weirdo) but your head is where that pixie-elf will stay. And why? Because that’s where they belong. That’s the little thing about pink-purple pixie-elves (other then the pixie-elves themselves, which are also little things). That’s what takes the prize you see; and that’s why they will never leave your head. They’re not real, you understand. They just plain don’t exist.