h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

... yeah funny yet scary, well writen... i must be off a small fury creature from alpha centuri has stolen my towel

WOW. A large round of and appreciation for addressing the issue of popularity and appearance. Bless!

"Stacie wasn’t with the in crowd."

Great first line. Simple. Makes me want to read more.

"She had minimal friends, and she didn’t know why. Everyday, when she looked into the mirror, she had to check that the pretty stranger in front of her was, really, her.

What was wrong with her?

Eventually, she decided that she was lacking makeup, as the girls around school had faces covered in it."

HEH!!!



"So, she went to the store, and brought everything they had that could be used."

OOOO... details? How much money did she spend? Why did she choose one thing over the other? Are there names for these things? Did she get those tweezery-thingies? Did she get help from a salesperson? Did she buy the finest makeup she could find, or did she choose more affordable stuff? Does she know if she's a Spring, Autumn, Winter, Summer...?

"She painted her face; red lips, blue eyes, rosey checks, white skin. And, once again, she found that she still didn’t have that many friends.

She watched everyone else; and the magnificent clothes they wore. So, she brought new clothes. Dresses, skirts, tops, even new under garments; Although she didn’t understand why there were so many different patterns, But yet, once again, she found she was still lacking in friends.

So, she studied the popular girls more; followed them home, and that’s when she saw it. They had better houses than her. So, once again, she found herself buying another house; a mansion. This time, friends started coming in, she gained two new friends; Males. She had become more popular, but not perfect…

Why wasn’t she perfect?"

I like how you return to asking one question on its own like this.

"Watching how everyone else travelled to school, she saw what else she needed; they all had cars (or at least, their mothers and fathers had.) She didn’t. Asking car dealers, she found out what the most popular, the most perfect, car was. And, she brought it. People went into the car with her, and she found herself with yet more friends. But there were still a few people that weren’t her friends..."

Usually there is a "problem" with using pronouns (he, she, it) all the time and forgetting names. You make it work-- it needs to be written with all the "she"s.

"Why wasn’t she perfect?

With a now trained eye, Stacie looked at the other girls; wondering what made them look better than she did. She looked at her self in the mirror, looked at the other girls, noting everything. Then, she walked off to the doctors, and got herself new breasts. Suddenly, every male in the school became her friend; and there were only three people left who weren’t."

At first I had a problem with this. People aren't always so shallow! But... you didn't lose me as a reader because of the title. I knew to expect a statement about appearance... so I kept reading.

"Why wasn’t she perfect?

She went to the store, and dyed her hair."

What color did she dye her hair, and why? Did she also have to deal with glasses? Were her eyes the "right" color?

"She went back to the doctors, and perfect her body; she became perfect.

And everyone became her friend.

The next day, no one saw her. And the day after that, and the day after that. Soon, two weeks had passed since no one had seen her. So, people went to her house."

What people? Why?

"They broke in, after the door wasn’t being answered. They followed the footsteps of the perfect rooms until they got to her door. No one had ever been in her bedroom before.

They slowly opened her door, and found her hanging by a noose from the ceiling; she had became perfect, and with that, she had nothing left to perfect."

Wow. Nice build up. Nice shock. Is there something more to the noose? What, exactly, was it handing from?

"However, even though this was the most immediate thing to see in the room, it wasn’t the thing that shocked everyone the most.

Around her walls, on shelves, were piles upon piles of Barbie dolls. Barbie dolls were scattered across the floor; some with clothes on, some without. Stacie’s carpet had images of Barbie dolls on it. Her bed sheets, pillows, wall paper, bin, lampshade… all Barbie."

.... reminds me of things I see at Wal*Mart all the time!!!

"That was not the most shocking thing."

Another one sentence paragraph. I like it. You know what you are doing with that!!!

"Around her feet, was a small note she had written in pink ink, on Barbie paper. That was the most shocking thing to the teenagers. It said:

If Barbie’s so Popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"

Wow. The first time I read that, it made me angry. Now I feel very sad. That's powerful writing.

Thank you for contributing. I am rather impressed.... And best of luck.