h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Some good ways to attract panic often involve alcohol. Taken in sufficient quantities, this will lead to behaviour which will, most of the time, be highly embarrasing for you. You will gain selective gaps in your memory which are slowly filled in over the next day, each piece causing a small panic attack.
Alternatively hanging around 'rough areas' may work.
In severe cases of panic, the drug Diazepam may be prescribed for short term relief, however this may provide you with yet more memory gaps as the result of the side effect of amnesia and confusion. It's probably best to avoid this then unless your doctor says so. Or you could ignore my ravings. I'll probably have selective memory loss in the morning anyway.

On the other hand, I have always found that one of the best cures for panic is alcohol

I've always found that one of the best cures for the effects of alcohol is panic.
A quick one or two at the local drifts naturally into drinking every spirit you can think of with a 'B' in it and only then do you realise that you're supposed to be flying a plane/applying for a mortgage/insulting a foreign diplomat in less than an hour.

BIG panic = instant sobriety.

According to that great bank of wisdom, Calvin and Hobbes, panic induced by women is caused by this
First, your heart falls from your chest and splashes your innards
The excess moisture causes you to sweat profusely
The moisture causes your brain to short-circuit, causing you to babble like a cretin till she leaves.

And man, does it SUCK.

I feel a little reassured to know that it's not just me after all.

That's what I'm here for.
Does anyone actually know how many people are signed up as reporters here at h2g2?

I doubt it.

I bet Tim (user #1) knows...

It would be better to know how many out of the original 1st week 6,000 are still visiting. There are many blank userpages out there...

Tim probably knows that, too... he is omnicognescent, after all. He can probably even spell it .

omnicognisant

An interesting thought. Up until now, I hadn't considered that alcohol was something that required a cure. (see also extensive entries in the ABSINTHE VS TEQUILA and UNIVERSAL DRINKS TABLE entries)

Nonono... that one means he knows everything. I'm thinking of a different word, I think... (he says obscurely and not entirely accurately, largely to save face).