h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi all,
This is the first time I've visited the h2g2 web site and I think it's great.

I was just reading about driving etiquette and as an Irish person I'm afraid to admit the article is spot on. But honestly it's great fun passing out a truck going around 60 mph on a "road" barley wide enough to take two mini's. Great buzz.

For anybody who intends to visit Ireland in the near future don't be alarmed to find hoards of animals such as cows or sheep roaming the Irish roads. Irish farmers have generously agreed to let their animals out on to the roads to eat the grass and hedges at the edge of the roads. With out the generosity of the farmers I fear that the County Councils might actually have to pay somebody to cut the hedges along the road. And that would be their budget gone for improving our roads for the year!

If an animal will not move from in front of your car open your window and start banging the side of your car while at the same time hollering at the top of you voice. Waving a black stick around in the air helps sometimes.
Do not get out of the car to try to move the animals as this gives them bad habits and they then expect their owners (the farmers) to do the same. Above all do not wait for the farmer to come along to move the animals for you.

There is also the rare phenomenon of the "Irish Tractor Turn" - which is where certain rare individuals begin to swerve right before turning left.

A friend of mine was acquainted with an old man in his village who for years used to drive his car as if he was driving a tractor, and eventually had the misfortune of crashing into a car driven by some tourists from England. The driver of the car, visibly shaken, approached the old man and asked him why he had the indicator on to go left, then proceeded to turn right - straight into his car - without any advance warning. The old man gave him a look of contempt, and shouted at him "Sure everyone knows that I live down that road on the left!"

Ohhh it's so true. Also, tips for when you're stuck on a country road in the back-arse of Roscommon surrounded by sheep, do not blow your horn as this only causes the nearby farmer to chase after you brandishing a large garden fork. Accelerating at this point is unpleasant for all involved, especially the sheep, while not accelerating habitually leads to destruction of vehicles and internal organs. Armed with this information, one can conclude that blowing your horn at sheep, or cows for that matter is a dangerous practise and instead, you should enter the general vicinity in the company of a good book to keep yourself occupied as you while away the hours missing appointments and generally saving your own ass.
The smell is another story which i really don't want to think about, so if anyone has any theories on the subject, please let me know.

Also, blowing your horn at pedestrians in certain parts of Dublin creates a similar response to that mentioned above. I did it once to a couple snogging in the middle of the road on Dorset street, with a similar (and largely unwanted) effect.

Can't figure out how they got their hands on a large garden fork though.....

Nobody seems to have mentioned yet the Irish aversion to dedicated parking spaces. It says a lot for the free minded and laid back nature of the people that when they get to within 500 metres of their destination they simply stop the car in the middle of the road and perambulate the remainder (which takes around 3 weeks, given the social nature of the beast). This is especially fun for sunday mass when every Irish town is transformed into an anarchist's version of Tesco's car park on a busy Saturday, but without the violence and oligopolistic overpricing...

If you're a visitor to Ireland make sure you bring a large scale map if you intend to drive. Directions Like next road on the left or just around the corner can have you driving for hours waiting for the next road. Or wondering, whilst driving dead slow, if the last twist in the road was a curve or a bend and if it wasn't a bend what is.

Also be very wary when driving out of Belfast along the M2/M5. This may appear to be a five lane carriageway but it is in fact 2 two lane motorways and a minor road. When you get to the point of divergence of the M2 and M5 expect somebody to suddenly cross the chirvons despite the 2 Motarways being clearly marked for the last 3 miles.

I've noticed an interesting phenomenon while driving in Ireland.
You can be driving on a road for hours and hours with no traffic in either direction, then suddenly, there's an oncoming car, a car parked on either side of the road, and a herd of sheep, all of which much occupy the same space at the same moment in time.

I am seeking suggestions for a name for this phenomenon.

That's a "Carrenroe" of course....

See the Meaning of Liff pages for other words of this ilk...

http://www.h2g2.com/A144334

CR

Driving in Cork is a strange one. To explain it properly we need a bit of geographical and socialbackground. You see Ireland is well known for it's "relief", or generally schizophrenic landscape and strange weather patterns. This seems to culminate around the Cork area, and may be something to do with the architecture. (Anyone from Cork will be able to name a dozen places off-hand where large plastic buildings tiled entirely with black lycra are planted between two historical and attractive buildings with the council pretense that "It's the most neutral thing we could have put there," but in fact it's just a lame attempt to recycle agricultural plastic wast in order to qualify for more EU money.)

All this has an affect on the local populace. They have misplaced and transfered the concepts of "Perambulation" and "Motoring" to opposite ends of the conventional spectrum.

For instance, when driving through Cork city, one must realize the following at pedestrian lights. The green man means "Go now." The red man means, "Amble accross slowly with the pint you just saved from the pub before closing time while shouting abscenities to a spandex and neon clad slapper in front of you." For day-drivers, the red man means "Cross now if you have the following things; A pram with child that can be used as a traffic buffer or if necessary a tactical sacrifice, a buisiness suit, or a general expression of stark raving bovinity. {It helps to be talking in a loud and opinionated voice about "That langer from the Douglas"} at the same time)

Cork is also noted for it's many roundabouts and efficient one way system. On approach from say, the airport, expect not so much to "drive" into the city centre as to "waltz" in. An imortant thing to note is that if you do not catch your turning the first time around the one way system, the next time around it will be blocked by a rusty Council van surrounded my heavily profane men dumping road building materials at the side of the road. The next time around it will be blocked by the same men in a little shack showing some butt-cheek and drinking tea. Each time after that it will be blocked by the same men, some Spanish students on helium singing loudly, and three nice old ladies from Fairhill talking about the awfull dissapearance of poor Micheal Moriarty, and what a lovely boy he was. (Micheal was in fact a heroin dealer.) There is no known remedy for this situation.

The easiest way to get around Cork is by Zen navigation, it's small enough, and you might get envited to a party.

Yes, Zen navigation and a good set of shock absorbers to deal comfortably with what all other cultures know as "roads".

CR

That rings true allright.

However, there has been quite a lot of EU money granted to Ireland in the last few years to improve our infrastructure. One of the notable things about these grants is that at least 1% of them must be spent on art. It is not uncommon to drive down a 2 lane highway in the Cork area, the banks of which are loose mud and early attempts at "landscaping" (5 small trees, 2 of which are broken and several empty coke cans and crisp packets.) and suddenly round a corner to see Salvidor Dali's worst nightmare staring at you head on from the middle of a roundabout.

On closer inspection, the art in question will probably be labelled something like "Fear of Famine" but will in fact more closely resemble an anorexic concorde trying to mate with a giant wheelbarrow.

The government have sponsered whole workshops of unemployed people to create these splendid images, and the skills learned in this area, such as welding, might well explain the typical Irish internal plumbing system.

In reply to Rob's message:
"I've noticed an interesting phenomenon while driving in Ireland.
You can be driving on a road for hours and hours with no traffic in either direction, then suddenly, there's an oncoming car, a car parked on either side of the road, and a herd of sheep, all of which much occupy the same space at the same moment in time.

I am seeking suggestions for a name for this phenomenon."

I'd like to offer "Murphy's Sheep Corollary"