h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

And I thought "driving etiquette" was an oxymoron (but then I'm cynical).

In Melbourne, where there are trams everywhere slowing down the traffic and generally annoying everyone (but gosh, aren't they quaint?) it's generally regarded as polite if, when behind a tram that is stopping, you also stop, and don't seize the opportunity to overtake on the inside lane to get in front of the blasted tram in order to get to work somewhere close to the time at which you are meant to start. Actually, it's not just polite, it's also a law (which nobody bothers to mention to you if you're from elsewhere) and is aimed at stopping drivers from running over innocent pedestrians as they unwittingly disembark, so I guess there's a valid point to it all.

You Melbourne based drivers are fortunate indeed. Here in Perth, WA, the road system is superb and the drivers have been spoilt for years and have never had to deal with 'traffic' in any meaningful sense. Now that the population has reached a critical mass (mainly bulked up by fleeing Collingwood supporters), we find that we have a problem.

In Perth, keeping to the left means never having to say you're sorry.

What a brilliant analysis! And by such a handsome coirrespondent...

Handsome and brilliant indeed!

Actually, I DO live in Perth (I just wrote my analysis of Perth driving, too) and I agree heartily with your comments. Having said that, I'd take Perth traffic over Melbourne traffic any day. That goes for our weather, too

Speaking as a resident of Adelaide, and someone who had driven in various cities around Australia and the World, I'd just like to say how balltearingly frustrating Melbourne can be traffic-wise, up until you "figure it out".

By the way, any Melbournites please correct me if I'm wrong here !

Essentially it seems to work like this - everyone over there is a complete maniac, and probably running between 15 minutes and 2 hours late for everything, and as a direct consequence you can never swap lanes, or take turnoffs, or anything really !? And you can't ask for directions whilst stopped in traffic, because everyone's too busy swearing into their mobile phones. You particularly feel like you're being victimised if you know your car has non Victorian plates, or (shock, horror) a Crows sticker on it.

At least that's what I used to think, and consequently used to find driving in Melbourne a harrowing and intense experience.

Now it would seem that you can pretty well do what you damn well like, as long as you do it with intention and conviction (ie no woosy half-lane changes and then changebacks). The idea being that there's that much bullshit going on with the roads over there, and the place is that complicated, that everyone can empathise with you about suddenly needing to swing across 4 lanes. Once I'd figured that out, traffic seemed to take on a fluid quality, and made it possible to feel at one with the sea of vehicles around me.

Then again, what would I know ? I come from Adelaide, where if you indicate, we KNOW you're a tourist.

Can a Melbournian please add something here about the so called "hook turn" i.e. turning right from the left hand lane. I hail from Sydney and can only drive in Melbourne if I have a Victorian sitting next to me directing me to the correct lane and telling me when to go.

I've been told that it has something to do with the trams - aren't they quaint - but have never been able work it out. How can turning right from the left hand lane be anything but a really dangerous idea? Please enlighten me.

The hook turn works something like: you approach the intersection wishing to perform a right-hand turn, then you see that little sign hanging from the overhead power lines that says, "Hook Turn". You swear for a few seconds, then you move into the left lane (you hope). You sit just IN THE INTERSECTION, on the left, safe in the knowledge that no cars are coming from the right to hit you, as they've got the red. And if one did come at you, just out of spite, he/she would be collected by the stream of cars that are shooting past you on your right. You edge up the "big asphalt square of death", so, assuming you're the lead car, you're positioned facing forward, and to your left are a pack of angry city drivers waiting to plough right through you when their light turns green. The ideal is that when it does, all the cars shooting past you will be gone, so you can hang a REALLY hard right and peel out, with all those angry city drivers in your dust. And you're alive. Usually the worst that can happen will be a lot of honking, then you take off with those drivers right behind you.

Does that explanation make ANY sense to you? I'm sorry I can't explain WHY this is actually necessary... I'll have to add this as my first entry.

Thanks muchly. It does make sense in a strange way.

The WHY of the hook turn relates (again) to trams. Since the trams run in the middle of the road (mostly), the conventional approach to a right turn (i.e. inching forward in the right hand lane until the oncoming traffic stops then shutting your eyes and praying while flooring the accelerator and swinging violently right), doesn't work. The area in which one would conventionally 'inch' is by happy coincidence EXACTLY where one of the quaint but fiendishly heavy trams will want to be. Obviously you can't sit in the junction to the left of the tram line because then you'd hold up everyone going straight on. Hence you pull to the far left, and mutter to your chosen deity until the lights change