h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Driving in London is one of the few places in the UK where the "British reserve", politeness and love of queues will get you nowhere. Any hint of politeness is taken as a sign of weakness and sixty London hardened drivers will immediately do their best to eviscerate you. It's a kill or be killed road out there.

Before setting out to drive in London, it is worth taking a few moments to visualise your car as a white van, for these are the true lords of London's roads. They give no quarter, and expect none in return. They are happy to cross three lanes of traffic without a glance backwards, because they know you are far more scared of your insurance than they are of theirs.

Yet even they will not attempt to anger the double decker bus, which, having now been given a legal right of way on London streets, is making the most of it. Be wary of overtaking these lumbering beasts, for while they may seem to be dozing quietly at the side of the road, they will leap out at you without warning. And never, never anger them by using their sacred routes, because they will seek revenge...

Cyclists, however, should be treated as vermin and mown down whenever possible.

oh, thank you. In a city where traffic congestion is the same as pedestrian congestion, I did wonder how cyclists fared given that the same rules of the road apply to them as to motor vehicles (at least they do in Vancouver).

Maybe someone could enlighten me about the rules for road-cycling in London; I can't imagine sidewalk cycling: too many pedestrians to hit.

Is heavy artillery used for the road, or just count on the desire not to kill outright?

Fruitbat

Never mind the pedestrians or the cyclists, there is one important rule that all drivers need to remember...that is to pull the stupidest manouvre possible in the presence of any vehicle with a flashing blue light bearing down on you from any direction. Do not under any circumstances pull in in a calm, collected, responsible way. Oh no!!! Instead, swerve violently into to path of the oncoming emergency vehicle, or, if it's behind you, jam your brakes on unexpectedly to produce dramatic skids from both your car and the weary public servant who is trying to arrive somewhere else five minutes ago. Alternatively, ignore it altogether and imagine that the grating sound of two-tone horns is simply the subtle cry of two elephant birds in the nearby trees.
Sorry for this tirade, everyone, it's been a bad day at work

Actually I have found Bristol to be the worse place to drive. No one will give way and there is a firm belief on the part of each driver that they and only they own the road and usual highway code doesn't apply to them!

Bristol is a nutty place to drive, but It acks the sheer physical mass of traffic which makes London so much fun.

I once had the joy of terrifying a car load of passengers by taking a right turn into the path of a fire engine at full tilt, pausing in that way people do when suddenly realising they are in the path of a speeding juggernaut, and finally exiting the road to much squealing of tyres. Always fun!

Cyclists in London will now be fined £10 for cycling on the pavements, so they have no choice but to risk life and limb on the roads, where regardless of profession, all cyclists are treated as couriers, and therefore deliberately targeted rather than avoided.

You don't get many cyclists in Bristol as it's a bit too hilly. They also don't believe in giving signposts on roundabouts before you get to them so you have to guess which direction you want to go in. Only after you have turned do they mention that you are now on the one-way road out of town.

Of course to sample the capital's roads to the max, you must of course purchase the biggest Land Rover Disco or Mitsubishi Shogun that money can buy. Due to the cramped nature of the above vehicles, you are only allowed to have a driver - no passengers are allowed. They must also go and get one for themselves.
Those of you unfamiliar with the road system in the nation's capital would be forgiven for thinking that London is built upon some of the nastiest terrain known to man.
Big F.O. all terrain vehicles are the only way you have chance of negotiating Kensington High Street on a busy Saturday afternoon. Forget Nissan Micras, Ford Pumas and anything else that weights under 4 tons or has an engine size less than 3 litres...
Plus there is so much space to park up here...
Driving in London - the best advice is don't.
Do the sensible thing, get a bike license

I once had the chance to drive a 3-ton transit through central London in rush hour. With nothing but wing mirrors and the force, I found I could change lanes without any trouble at all. The most relaxing drive I've ever had in our fair capital. Size does matter, it would appear

And all I've got to say to that last part is - see notes on cyclist's overtaking in http://www.h2g2.com/forumframe.cgi?forum=18377&thread=15990

Just remember - cyclists are faster than you and don't have any registration plates...

And they make lots of pretty colours on the side of your white transit if you hit them hard enough.

That's alright for you to say, you probably don't have to clean it if it's a Transit. They seem to be held together with bits of roadside debris compacted onto rusting body panels.

Hitting them in other cars can be as much fun, since you can go for the launch pad technique, by wwhich the cyclist and car never meet, the cyclist being propelled up and over the car in Kirov fashion

I've got an Xt500 (thats a big old, heavy, single cylinder,Jap, dirt bike,if you're confused,)and I live in the Chilterns.
Out here in the sticks we have to make do with finding thrills in all that un challenging woodland, oh I know the Police at Chequers can provide some excitement, but generally there just isn't the sort of challenge one craves.But LONDON TRAFFIC! There is the perfect setting for the adrenalin junky with a big dirt bike.After all what obstacle is a Nissan Patrol,or aFord explorer To a vehicle that can climb trees?

It never ceases to amaze me how blind some motorists are. I regularly use a pedal cycle for constitutional reasons you understand and I must have been nearly run down at least six times in the past two months. On one occasion the guy quite clearly saw me coming from a good 100m away and still pulled out into the crossroads in front of me. Then he realised what he was doing and stopped in the middle of the road! He said "Sorry!" and then sped away into the distance. "What a t**t!" I thought - afterall if there had been a car coming he'd have been T-boned and sent 6' firmly under the sod in an instant (it being a 60mph area).