h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear HHH Management Staff,

I am a relatively recent arrival in this part of the galaxy and have been spending some time hanging at the bar. I also attended the recent masked ball. I do not have a room here and have been sleeping under the coconut tree back around behind the long and winding river. I find the coconuts make useful alarm clocks. Oftentimes even when I don't want them to.

Anyway, I am writing because it has occured to me that if I am going to continue hanging around this area for much longer, it might be wise if I got some sort of employment. I am starting to run short of 's. As for the the aforementioned available positions, barstaff, waiters, cleaners, and lifeguards, here is my opinion.

Barstaff: Lady P. seems to do an excellent running the bar. Besides, I am much better at drinking than serving.

Cleaner: Ha!!! You should see the last part of the galaxy I left behind!

Lifeguard: Uh, well, a most worthy occupation. I would love to be a lifeguard, if I could only swim...

Waiter: This may be most suitable for me. I can sit and wait for hours if necessary. I do find waiting a bit easier with my feet up, possibly a good in hand, and an or two. Just tell me how long you would like me to wait and where.

Or if you have other possibilities where I may be of service, I am most eager to hear from you.

Sincerely yours,

dna level c, somewhere in cyberspace, about 40 miles from reality

Hello. Footbacon and Methos do not appear to be in at the moment. I am the Hotel's Administrator for the Zone of Administrative and Accounting Affairs (HAZAAA), and I would be happy to assist you in your employment queries.

I agree that extra barstaff and cleaners are unnecessary and it seems that the position of lifeguard may be unsuitable for you. I believe we already have a waiter for the Diner also. I have composed a list of possible positions that you may also wish to consider:

- Explorer - as you may no doubt be aware, the Hitchhiker's Hotel is a very old building and contains many locked, jammed or hidden rooms. It may also contain a number of antiques or ancient artefacts that could be of great value. Unfortunately, the current staff do not have time to explore these until-now secretive aspects of the building. If you could find anything, we may be able to open new rooms or facilities with the newly-found space or money acquired through artefact selling.

- If you have any knowledge of history or archaeology you may wish to consider digging for artefacts with a metal detector on the beach or in the park. You could send any of your findings to an antique dealer for valuation.

- Sometimes people at the HHH get fed up of it. It might be a good idea to have someone who could research and co-ordinate excursions to local attractions to lighten the atmosphere.

- Purser - Esteemed guests at the HHH may have very valuable luggage with them. As purser, you could be entrusted with this luggage to store it securely in a safe or other safe place.

- Luggage Handler - At the moment, the receptionists take the luggage of new guests to their rooms. As luggage handler, you would be entrusted with solely with this task.

- Room Service - No such room service facility exists at present. As the co-ordinator of room service, you would be in charge of taking orders over the interior telephony system, going to the kitchen to process the orders, and taking them to the appropriate room promptly. You would also need to give guests the alarm calls that they ask for, take the newspaper that they ask for to them in the morning, and take breakfast to those guests wishing to have breakfast in bed.

- Advertiser - One of my own duties as HAZAAA is to advertise the HHH, but since I am in charge of such a mentally taxing zone, it would be good to have some help in the realm of advertising.


If you wish to take up multiple positions, please do say so in order for us to arrange a larger salary. Thank you for taking an interest in the HHH.

- Currency Manager - If guests arrive from a foreign nation they may wish to convert their currency to the Hitchhiker's currency. The job of currency manager would be to do that.

My goodness! Such a wide range of choices! I'll have to do some thinking on it.

I know you seriously need a currency manager. When I first arrived, I had a most difficult time finding a place to exchange my for s. I finally was able to locate a place. However I am not sure I want to take on this role; I find the s very heavy and sometimes they are a bit stubborn and difficult to manage. I think I would need to build up my muscles more before being able to exchange s all day long.

Please allow me a little more time to consider the other positions. I will get back to you with my interests as soon as time permits.

Please, do take your time.

Oh, do you really think I should?

I was about to get to you with an answer, but if you think I should take more time, I certainly wouldn't want to question your judgement.

Alrighty then. I shall take more time. Will several days be enough? Or should I take longer?

No - really - that won't be necessary. I meant for you to take _your_ own time, and if you have reached a decision then you have obviously taken the time you need.

Alrighty.

After very careful consideration of all the options available, I have determined that I am a highly unqualified individual. There doesn't seem to be much of anything that I am good at. But right?

*takes several deep breaths*

Anyway, one thing is certain - I seem to be always in a flurry running here and there , and am highly undependable. This, of course, would rule out Purser, Luggage Handler, and Room Service. (Although I do take a fancy to the idea of possibly being a masseuse!)

Anyway, because I am oftentimes called away to other planets for personal matters, I think it would be best if I settled on something part-time that I could work on as time allows, either the explorer or artifact digging position. I myself have not spent much time in the Hotel itself, and I'm afraid I wouldn't know the difference between a room that was in use and one that was hidden (which could be quite embarrassing if I walked in on some guests at the wrong time!)

So perhaps it is best if I started out by digging for artifacts on the beach. I am sure that with the long and mysterious history of the Hitchhikers' Hotel, there would be many artifacts buried under the layers of sand with a story to tell.

So with your permission and approval, I will pick myself up a metal detector and get my bum to the beach and become a beach bum with a metal detector thingie, in search of old and new artifacts from the glamorous guests who have stayed at the Hitchhikers' Hotel.

What do you think?

Footbacon is in charge of recruitment. I have informed her of your request and I am confident that your application will be accepted in due course.

Once you become a member of the team (albeit part-time), I will be in charge of your salary and all other necessary administrative affairs, so you will need to report to my office at F1767053?thread=422205.

Thank you for taking an interest in the Hitchhiker's Hotel.

Thankyou for your application dna

We are in need of staff, of late, so would appreciate any help that you could give us at all

I'm sure there are many things to be discovered not only at the beach but in the HHH itself. I'm surprised that no one has already tried exploring more so am glad that you would like to be the first

Please start digging whenever you like!
I'm sure that BB will sort out the finer details of your pay as soon as he is back in the office

Oh, thank you so very much, great and powerful Wizard of Oz! er, make that your bright Baryonic Being-ness! Do you have an idea when her Footbacon Majesty might be back? In the meanwhile I will set about looking for the highest quality gizmo-gadget-thingiemajicaldetoctorellographer. I'm sure we wouldn't want any but the best!

After I hear from her Footbacon Majesty, I will report to your office at once! Sir!

Thank you, Sir!

Oh Mr. Baryonic Being-ness, Sir???

um, uh, I was wandering around on the beach, just trying to get a feel for things down there, and I found something. I brought it to show you right away. Here it is:

Partly brown, partly red, brown part is hard and red part is ucky, with sand sticking to it, looks to be about a month old.....

I believe I have found here, a HAMBURGER, partially cooked by the sun, and abandoned from an earlier barbeque!

Do you think it is worth anything???

You'll notice that Footbacon is now back, so please report when ready to my office to sort out the... formalities.

As for the hamburger, I suggest you take it to a chemist for chemical analysis. From that we might be able to establish when it ended up on the beach, and we may even be able to trace an ancient hamburger-eater who came to the HHH in the distant past...

Or alternatively, it may just be litter.

And will Her Footbacon-ness be stopping in here, or should I go look for her in her office???

hello???

It doesn't matter. She seems to endorse your working here, so please come to my own office and we'll sort out salaries and such things.

DNA: Please see post 10 in this thread