h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The central room of the Chapter House is large enough for a sizable meeting. At one end, a grand ornate desk of ebony bears a small cheap metallic bar with a slide-in black plastic strip and white lettering.

The plastic strip says "Cardinal Dante Seizof"

The exit leads to the cloister F1750885?thread=386311 , but the windows afford an excellent view of nearly the entire Temple grounds.

*storms up to the Cardinals Desk, his Holy clattering against his chest*

Cardinal, have you given thought to our proposal to rename the Temple the Thingple ? As you are aware we are the most numerous of the Holy Orders as witnessed by the Billion postings on our No No No thread.

We gave you until Thing to respond to our demand, issued you a reminder on Thing and now it is Thing. What say you ?

*Enters the room, serenely glides over to the Cardinal's desk, and stands beside Thing, surrepititiously standing on his foot and jabbing an elbow in his side. With a beautific smile on her face, she addresses the Cardinal.*

Your reverence, I am here to humbly submit a complaint. As much as it is against my nature to complain about others, this offence is of such magnitude that I felt compelled to do so. As well, since it affects all who reside within the Temple, it is a matter of some import and I felt that it was my duty to report it to you.

It has come to my attention that whenever it is the Moxonites turn on latrine duty, they hang the toilet paper rolls such that the paper comes off the bottom of the roll. Everyone knows that the proper way to hang a toilet paper roll is so that the paper comes off the top of the roll. Now, perhaps the Moxonites picked up this horrendous practice when they were travelling in uncivilised places, but I feel there is no place for it here and that it should be dealt with harshly, if only to teach them a lesson in civility. For their own good, of course.

*Smiles calmly and waits for the Cardinal's response.*

*Flings open the door and storms in, hair sticking up at odd angles*

I HEARD THAT! AND IT IS COMPLETE NONSENSE!

*Stomps over to the desk and takes up a position on the other side of Thing, putting Thing between Peta and himself.*

WE HANG THE ROLLS THAT WAY DELIBERATELY! A LITTLE INCONVENIENCE SERVES TO BRING ONE CLOSER TO HIS GOD. NOT THAT YOU LAZY, LUXURY-LOVING LUMPS OF, ER, LIQUID, UM, LLLLLLLIVERWORST WOULD KNOW ABOUT THAT!

*wanting to ask the Cardinal about his request for an Albatross-themed Chapel but finding his way blocked by three burly squabbling Leaders of the Holy Orders, resorts to jumping up and down behind them making Awwwwk sounds*

Awwwwwkkk !

*without showing an outward sign elbows Father Semple in mid-Awwwrkk*

*Crawls between the legs of the others, narrowly avoiding being jumped on by Father Semple, and pops up in front of Thing, facing Cardinal Dante.*

Someone has been using my milk. I clearly mark which carton of milk in the fridge is mine, but it still disappears so quickly that there is often not enough left for my own tea. I have a suspicion who the guilty party is *turns around to glare at Father Semple for a moment*, but I do not have enough evidence to accuse him. Yet. Nevertheless, Cardinal, I would like you to issue an edict stating that residents of the Temple should not use someone else's milk.

Cardinal, I don't think the Moxonites should be imposing their ascetic views on the rest of us. I would humbly request that you issue an edict specifying that toilet paper rolls be hung the correct way.

*Sister Peta winks, almost imperceptably, at the Cardinal*

.... and I insist Sir, that in addition to our earlier demands concerning the Thingle that we also start using the much more pleasing term Thoilet paper rather than the former abomination

EVERYONE NEEDS TO BE REMINDED OF THE POWER OF THEIR GOD, AND WHAT BETTER PLACE THAN IN THE LOO? AND THAT REMINDS ME. WHAT HAS BECOME OF MY REQUEST TO CUT OFF THE HOT WATER TO ALL SHOWERS?

*Silently looks over the jabbering crowd around her desk, then removing a ruler from her desk she carefully measures the placement of her name plaque. She slides the plaque over .03 millimeters, replaces the ruler, and looks up again. *


18° CELSIUS IN THE NORTHERN PLATITUDES AND RAINING.
THREATENING THUNDER.
THE HORSE MANURE IS SMELLING RIPE.


*Expectantly looks at those gathered before her.*

*forces himself infront of Rabbi Abbi so that he once again has an uninterupted view of the Cardinals desk*

Our demands are not demanding and I demand that our demands are addressed.

and as for our other *ahem* valued colleagues .....

*looks pointedly at the Sister, the Father, the Rabbi and the Ayatollah*

..... I am surprised you give them the time of day with their petty concerns when there is so much to be done.

*Squeezes through the crowd*

Excellency, the Pentium MCMLVII that I requested has yet to be delivered. The Code is in great need.


Is she forecasting again? Who's turn is it to record the Holy Forecast?

*jumping up and down at the back*

Have you heard the one about the Sister, the Rabbi, the Friar, the Ayatollah and the Thingite .....

OOOF !

*goes down from an elbow in the stomach from an unknown man of the cloth*

Excellent weather summary, your excellency. Very nice, indeed. I do so love to hear your weather summaries. They are SO interesting.

Now, er, about those toilet paper rolls...

~aside to Sister Peta~

Don't think for a moment that I don't know what you're up to.

*enters the Chapter House to see a baying pack of Religious Leaders haranguing the Cardinal and one of their number on the deck. The Mother hastens to the side of the fallen priest*

Father Semple, art though in need of relief from thy troubles ? Dost thou require unction or a soothing balm for thy family jewels ?

I fear I am need of some holy water to steady my nerves blessed Mother Natalia. I will retire to my chambers and pray for our Brothers

*glares at the Thingite and hobbles out*

Oh, I almost forgot, Your Exalted Highness. I have brought something for you.

*Holds a box of chocolate fingers just out of the Cardinal's reach.*

These are very fresh. Perhaps when we have resolved the toilet roll issue, and gotten rid of these others, we could share some. Hmmmmmm?

*Looks at the chocolate fingers in horror*

WHA-WHAT IS THAT!!! THOSE, THOSE ARE LUXURIES!!!! THERE IS NO PLACE FOR LUXURIES IN A HOUSE OF GOD! WE MUST CONSTANTLY STRIVE TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE AND TO SUFFER SO THAT HE MIGHT KNOW HOW WE REVERE HIM. IF WE INDULGE OURSELVES IN...

*Notices a gold ring on one of the chocolate fingers. Eyes light up briefly.*

...SUCH SINFUL PLEASURES, THERE IS NO TELLING WHERE IT WILL LEAD. IT IS MY DUTY TO CONFISCATE AND DISPOSE OF THOSE FINGERS. HAND THEM OVER, SISTER.

*Reaches out to grab the box.*