h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

When I was at school we used to stick post-it notes on other pupils' backs. Lots of other people did this, it's not a new thing, but ours were different to the other schools, perhaps because we were all twenty or over and attending the college as part of a remedial program. In our earlier years, we'd all written "I'm am gay up the bottom" on an address label and stuck it on anyone wearing thick jumpers: now, our insults took a subtler, long-term approach.

No-one can remember who wrote the first one, but early in the spring one year various labels began to appear on the less popular pupil's shoulders: "I'm pointless", "No-one knows why I breathe", "My mum forgets to feed me". The focus was on fostering a long-term feeling of mediocrity amongst the stickerees, creating a belief that acheivement wasn't for them, that their lives were so worthless the best thing they could do was to stay out of the way. At the end of that term we - the five who had spearheaded the operation - passed our exam results with flying colours. No-one else passed. During the holidays three people disappeared: they might have killed themselves, or moved schools - nobody could summon the energy to investigate.

The next term started fantastically. Spurred on by the success of our campaign, we began to extend our influence to the staffroom. Unwary teachers began to sport "Unappreciated" or "Potential childkiller": to our delight, we found that they crumbled earlier, already worn down by years of underfunding and innuendo from their peers.

ooga booga

lah di dah di dah

booger