h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

anorak - geek, nerd. A term that has been used since the 80's. An 'anorak' is always's male, unfashionable and possibly a 'trainspotter', though now often attributed to the type of people who spend their days 'surfing' the net.

arse-over-tit /-elbow - to fall over in a dramatic fashion. eg. "I'd had a bit to drink you see and I just went arse-over-tit !".

backhander - a payment given, normally in a secretive fashion.
banged up - to be put in prison. eg "Did you hear John got banged up for that blag".

bearded clam - a vulgar term for a woman's sexual organs.

big girl's blouse - a term that has more associations with the north of England, but is also used 'down south'. Normally used as a term to playfully ridicule a young man who is a bit soft and shy. The sort of thing your uncle might say to you. eg. "Come on, put your back into it you big girls blouse !".

bladdered - very drunk. eg. "he was completely bladdered"

Chelsea smile - the scar you get when you have been cut ear to ear is known as a Chelsea smile. I think this term comes from the criminal underworld of the 60's, a la Kray era.

chronic - terrible, extreme. e.g. "I've got chronic headache".

cobblers - Rhyming Slang, short for 'cobblers awls', 'balls'. Used as a general swear word much in the way 'balls' is. eg. "That's a right load of old cobblers" or as a one word disagreement "Cobblers !". Also used for testicles.

cuzzer - slang term for a curry.

the) dogs b******s - a term used to denote something that is 'the best' or exceptional. eg "Daves new stereo is the dogs b******s". Sometimes shortened to 'the dogs' or 'the b******s' and often changed to similar sayings ie. 'the mutts nuts', 'the dogs danglies'.

'er indoors - the wife. Meaning the one at home. Made popular by the character Arthur Daley from the TV series 'Minder'.

lairy - loud, brash. e.g.. "He's a right lairy sod".

larging it - a modern term that comes from 'club culture'. To 'have it large' means to go all-out to have a good time. Similar to the phrase "up for it".

local - a common UK term for the local public house. e.g.. "I'll see you down the local at eight".

malarkey - stuff, nonsense. May have come from the Irish word 'mullachan meaning 'strongly built boy' or 'ruffian'.

manor - territory, area, turf. Usually associated with the criminal underground. e.g. "If I see you round my manor again you're dead !".

minging - drunk, painful, disgusting. e.g.. "I was totally minging last night" or "My head is really minging".

muppet - a foolish or stupid person. e.g. "Don't be a muppet, I can't believe your gonna do that".

pants ! - A 90's term that seems to be very popular recently. It can be used as an exclamation of frustration (much in the way that 'arse !' is) or to describe something that is bad or rubbish. i.e. "Did you watch the Arsenal match, wasn't it pants ?". Some times prefixed by 'a load of old' or 'complete'

pear-shaped - when something has 'gone pear-shaped' it has gone wrong. Probably derived from the 'sagging' shape of a pear.

powder your nose - a euphemism for taking cocaine. e.g. "Where's Dave ?", "He's just nipped off to powder his nose".

ring-piece - relatively common term for the anus. e.g. " That curry I had last night has scorched my ring-piece !".

smeg ! - derived from the word smegma. Can be used as an exclamation or a euphemism for f**k. e.g. "Oh smeg I forgot to post that letter !". This saying was very much popularized by the UK TV series 'Red Dwarf'.

squire - a general term of address towards a man similar to 'guvnor'.

tooled-up - to arm oneself, usually with improvised weapons like bottles or sticks. e.g. "There was a right ruck dahn the pub last night and then these headcases got tooled-up !".

trashed - common term for getting very drunk. e.g. "We got completely trashed last night".

up for it - to be willing to have a good time. Also for a woman to be sexually available.

wedge - money. From the appearance of a number of folded notes. Examples of it's use are - "I got paid a fair old wedge for doin' that job" or "Are you wedged-up and ready to go ?".

window licker - a name for the sort of 'nutter' who sits next to you on the bus and does something weird.

You might as well read the Viz Profanisaurus as there'll be many people quoting this. Other stuff:
Thrapping (vb) - masturbating
Puddled (adj) - drunk
Mardy (adj) - huffy, sulky, annoyed
Tube (n) - a stupid or foolish person
Spoon (n) - another stupid or foolish person
Big Feartie (n, scots) - scaredy-cat
Chuff-stick (n) - cigarette
Slitter (n, scots) - earwig
Crabbit (adj, scots) - crotchety, snappy

I assume someone will get stuff like "Dooberry", "Wazzock", "brains of a rocking horse", "Dimblebrain", "Arse like two pigs in a sack", "rotter", "dash it all to heck" and other aristocratic gems and genteel profanity, "s**ttier than a cow's arse", "happier than a pig in s**t" and all the rest, useful aphorisms such as "keep her well shagged and poorly shod and she'll not wander far", insults such as "divvy" and "spanner", what people mean when they stroke their chin and say "nyuurrh! Jimmy Hill" or "mmmm, chinnnyyy". Viz is probably the best source of euphemisms for genitalia. The Parrot Sketch probably contains most of the euphemisms for death. "Southern t**t" is not in the dictionary but means someone who thinks that outside london there exists nothing but barren wastelands and pigs and who speaks with a really crap accent.
Hopefully when this thing's up we'll still be able to say what's been missed out.

Is it worth mentioning that 'beer' can mean anything alcoholic. "Where's me beer gone?", can quite often refer to anything from vodka to Newcy Brown.

Nice one. Haven't heard that for a while. Has a word been introduced as a slang term for Aftershock yet? Is it worth mentioning that all right-thinking people refer to lager as "cheap fizzy yellow pisswater"?

For there to be a slang word for Aftershock, it would require people to be capable of speech in post Aftershock mode.

Ah, Aftershock. That's the stuff that you always seem to drink immediately before realising you haven't got enough money left for a taxi.

Aha! Baxey or Joe Baxey or Joe le Taxi or Robbin' Bast' = Taxi

I'm with you on lager, although Stella goes down nicely

chuck yer ring [up]; talking to god* on the big white telephone; [to throw] an air biscuit; technicolour yawn = to vomit, particularly when induced by consumption of alcohol

(* the toilet gods way sometimes be called by name - Ruth and Huey)

"bladdered" is interesting. In west Yorkshire this has mutated to "blathered":-

"**** me, you look rough"
"Yeah, I got blathered last night"

the word has manifold uses, though, and can also mean beaten up - "There were ten o' the bastards. They blathered 'im all o'er"

Ought to inlcude the thing whereby "He were sleeping while three in the afternoon" means "He was sleeping until three in the afternoon". "Daft a'pe'th" ought to be in there too. "Lord Muck" is underused these days but nice. "Skitters" meaning diarrhoea should be in there. "Yock" as the general, all-purpose attach/hit/do something to something else word is nice. "Yon tree" or "yon pigsty" might confuse an american unless they've read enough to realise that it might have come from "yonder".

Piss up - a party or night out that involves the consumption of large quantities of alcohol

A Right Piss up - a description of the above. Indicates that a good time was had/will be had by all

e.g. "I'm going out tomorrow night on the second leg of my mate's stage do. It should be a right piss up"

Shrapnel - term used to describe the inordinately large amount of change discovered in your pocket after a piss up.

That should be "Stag Do", although it might turn out to be quite a performance.

Grenade - "ugly girl". This comes from the altruistic motives of two lads, who when chatting up two girls will honour a prior agreement in which one of them will "take the grenade", i.e. cop off with the minging bint. From this behaviour, "grenade" has become a derogatory term for any member of the opposite sex.

LOL!

I've just been sat hunched in the smoke room visible shuddering with subdued mirth at the image of an ugly bird walking into a crowded bar and someone shouting, "Grenade!"

I've always been a bit weird.

A few treats from York where I grew up:

Bardy - good
Cushty - good
Weeny cushty - really good
Weeny cushty bardy - really really excellent
Weeny cushty bardy ace - indescribably brilliant

(note: A York Cushty is different to 'Cooshty' which is common in parts
of London)

Bewer - beautiful women
Swingers - cash
Chow - sweet

Hehe, tits like two kids fighting under a blanket.

Face like a bag o' spanners.
Face like a box o' frogs.

This is a different kind of thing, though, isn't it? I'm losing it, aren't I? I'll shut up then, shall I?

Are they an optimistic bunch in York? The words Eskimo and Snow spring to mind.

and ther's also..." He could'nt organise a piss-up in a brewery" meaning he's donnart, (Stupid).

Malarkey is used in America as well. "Squire," incidentally, seems to have been very much popularized by the nudging and winking Eric Idle.

Anyway, I don't recall whether it was Grant or Naylor, but one of them has been quoted as saying that they made up the word "smeg" because they needed an all-purpose curse word for Red Dwarf. It sounded futuristic and had the right blend of consonants and syllables, they said, and it was not in any way derived from "smegma."

I thought it was till I read that, and of course you can't believe everything you read (I'm not entirely sold on the not smegma part), but it still can't hurt to bring it up at times like these, can it? After all, we are researchers.

"UNICORN" is used instead of dick-head and is often emphasized by raising a fist to the forehead.