h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My granddaughter who is 3 found a wind up torch in the house and realised that it would light up if she turned the handle. When she had got the hang of this she proceeded to point it at my face and wind furiously shining the blinding light straight into my eyes and laughing as I whined and whinged at her antics. I now wish to rewrite the definition of torture (maybe for the Uxbridge English dictionary) to include being abused with a torch.

*giggles*

She sounds full of mischief!!

Bless her!



lil x

While we're on the subject, did you know that at Guantanamo Bay, they developed a new technique which involves interrogation by university graduates?

It's called mortar-boarding.

She's as bright as a shiny button. Just to show how much little ones can enjoy new experiences she came home pleased as punch the other day telling her mum that she had been "on the naughty step!" at nursery. She'd thrown a brick at an annoying boy. I'm thinking Lego rather than house, but who knows.

throwing bricks at annoying boys seems perfectly reasonable.... but... then the naughty step does sound fun...

Icy, does Mortar boarding come under taught-ya or torture?
I'll see if I can get you a while on the naughty step 2legs, though it may be a bit low.

The 'Naughty Step' sounds almost as much fun as the 'Group W Bench' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0a6iWHSWbA Please do not ask how I know about it

F S

The American viewers are following that a torch is a flash-light aren't they?

Yes, at least I did,. I have become almost fluent in the Queen's English after all my years on h2g2. I even managed to communicate in London and Portsmouth. I did have to ask to have a few sentences repeated before I could translate them properly I even used the lift at the Chemist's.

The use of British torches was well shown in one of the 'Harry Potter' films (I think it was the second).

To be attacked by one of our 'torches' would have been even more uncomfortable

F S

not 'Harry Potter' 'Narnia'

F S

Heck, I struggle understanding what some British people are saying! and I'm ment to be one.... Mind, even worse if they've an ultra strong accent, and* they're drunk

I remember my dad telling me a story when I was little about Scottish accents. An American is in Scotland on holiday and points at a huge box in a shop window and asks a passer by if they know what it is.
"Ah dinna ken," says the Scotsman.
"A dinner can! You must eat big lunches here in Scotland."

Or overheard in a Scots bakery "Is that a macaroon or a meringue?"
"No, you're reet. It's a macaroon."

"a macaroon or a meringue"

I did hear of someone from the Philippines asking for a singer in a night club to sing the song about a penis. On further discussion the band worked out that he was talking about Ken Dodd's song "Happiness".

I now can't think of that song without thinking of how inappropriate the lyrics must have sounded. "The greatest gift that I possess is more than my share of..."

I remember that joke on 'Parkinson' many years back (I think).

People don't really remember Ken Dodd these days. I get blank looks from the younger members of the office when I say:

"This project is like a Ken Dodd concert. It can only end in Tears."

What? Ken Dodd forgotten!!


He's still making a living on the Taxman!



lil xx

Before I went to Uni I had a job in a big nightclub in Birmingham, The Night Out. On the night I was to be trained on how to open bottles etc. they asked us to stand at the back of the auditorium for the training. Ken Dodd was on stage doing his act. The head waiter who was telling us what to do kept saying, "Are you listening to me or to him?" I don't think I had the heart to tell him.