h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My broadband's decided to stop working again. It's been down for a couple of hours now.

I finally cracked and came on here via pay-as-you-go dial-up. Though I resent having to pay for the internet twice, it's still vastly cheaper than the 'helpline' (Ha ha ha ha *cough* ha HA!)

Deeply p***ed off. This first happened three weeks ago or so and I've already been through a hugely expensive bout of sitting on their technical support helpline to be told, after forty minutes, that they don't really know what it is but, hey, would I like a two-for-one cinema ticket offer and why don't I bugger off and entertain myself for a bit and see if it gets better all by itself.

Which it did that time. I suppose it may this time. But the 'P' in 'ISP' is looking very dodgy at the moment.

I'd encourage everybody to give this particular ISP a wide berth. Though I suppose I'm not allowed to name it for fear this'll get yikesed. So I'll just stay quiet.

Yours,

William the Silent

Tara for a bit

*pokes head out from behind the curtain*

Is it the modem fer sure? Have you done all the usuals? (turn off pc, wait 30 secs, turn it back on)(unplug modem and plug back in)(uninstall and reinstall software)(and the one that took the experst three months to work - and the only one that worked, mind you - plug into the test socket inside your phone socket after dismantling the beggar first)

?

gwaan then.

*poke*

Yep, I had the same problem with an ISP that's the colour you get if you mix red paint with yellow paint.

Their call cantre in Bangalore are ducking useless too. Ditch the and get yourself a proper ISP.

RF

Oh, and when you call, arkse them to call you back... on your mobile.i did that for three months. Just for the hell of it

Do you hate me for poking you about getting rid of dial-up to become a broadbandy?

*sniffsniff*

There's always the possibility that freshening yourself up would bring the broadbandy back.

In all the calls you will make to Bangalore (if you persist with red-and-yellow-paint-mix-together), they will try to get you to replace every piece of kit you have. I know, because I did this (even getting a new computer...OK, I was going to anyway, the last one was 7 years old).

*IT* *DOESN'T* *WORK*

Because the problem is with the line, the problem has always been with the line, and it's a problem that red-and-yellow-paint-mix-together create for themselves when they botch what should be the relatively simple process of upgrading the capacity. Strangely enough, as soon as I switched to someone else, it's all worked perfectly!

I suggest you do likewise soonest.

RF

The lengths you'll go to to get a turn with Tree.

I have absolutely nothing of any use to contribute, Footie's the expert, she'll know precisely which 'wich and how much dressing is needed

Hurry back, send smoke signals, anything

Unguarded treaties

Well, what do you know... got better all by itself.

Or rather, it didn't. I sussed it was something going on at their end, in part because this has already happened once and in part because the error messages started changing after a couple of hours trying to connect ('Error 349: Invalid User Name and/or Password' - What? They're the same as they were 25 seconds ago! *click* 'Error 721: Can't Connect to Remote Computer' - Ah, so now the password's all right, is it? *click* 'Error 002: Unhappy and Disorientated' - Finally, some honesty: would you like to talk about it? *click* 'Error 349: Invalid User Name and/or Password' - Yes you would, but not to me?)

Thanks for that, RF - so this is a regular yet unadvertised feature of the service is it? I've been with this ISP - think marching in Ulster, think Dutch football fans, think Oompa Loompas - since forever (since when they were somebody else, in fact) and never had a problem with it. Then they offered me Broadband at the same price and - here's the weird thing - I didn't even have to say 'yes', they'd send me the modem and upgrade me and if I didn't like it, I could cancel within 30 days.

Guess when the first bout of unscheduled downtime was?

So, I'm now tied in to 12 months, but, if there's any way out of it...

And getting to talk to them...! If you ring the regular customer support line (7p a minute) and even vaguely imply that it's not something to do with wanting 2 for 1 cinema tickets they make you ring the technical support line...

Here's what happened last time:

"Hello and welcome to Thebellsofstclementsnotlemons, recite recite recite [carry on for first pound or so] how may I help you?"

"S'not working. Again."

"May I have you username and password." Yes "Have you tried..." Yes "Well, our system is down at the moment, so I can't get in to access your..."

"Woah! Your system's down too? Who do you use? No, seriously, when will it be back up do you think?"

"We have no way of knowing."

"So, it's five pounds past twelve and it's taken me the five pounds to find out you can't even begin the process of taking twenty minutes to tell me you don't know what it is? Is there a refund?"

Sound of giggling at other end. All right, I'm making that up. Sound of embarrassed silence then

... but the real peach (another kind of fruit that isn't this one) is that those are the only numbers you're allowed. How else might I contact them? Well, there's an address in Hampshire.

So, you're an ISP, all those ads about the future and what not, but if I want to grab your attention I have to dig out the Basildon Bond and the Quink?



Feel better now And while the pen and paper are out, maybe a quick letter to Ofcom is in the offing

Sorry to hear about your problems, Trin, but I'm enjoying the #FFA500 puns (you'll have to convert that one into Guide-ML).

I agree - write to the mandarins! They'll fix it satsuma or later.

Especially if I urge them to show no clementine. The punishment seville be harsh!

Just surprises me when I type 'X' into the Google search that the first returns aren't along the lines of 'We Hate X', 'Steer Clear of X' and 'The Future's Drear, Dismal and Frustrating, The Future's X'.

hello trin, not really spoken before, but i too have similar problems from a different provider (not as easy to be punny about..sounds italian)... i get through a varying amount of time/websites then it just wont find the server/page... only thing that seems to fix it is switching off pc and then back on again...

sorry. doesnt help you, but i needed to vent that...

i know your pain.

Hello there Yes, really just venting myself...

Sounds Italian? Rhymes with Miss Carly? Or am I on the wrong track?

I don't know about pain but it's certainly frustrating. As all this was happening last night, I had a sudden flashback to the very first stereo I owned, big 80s boogie box, cassettes only. As the years went by and buttons started falling off it, every few weeks it would grind to a halt. And I'd unscrew the back... and bodge! Bodge to my heart's content: take the whole thing to pieces then forget where everything went; get all the wheels going again with rubber bands; jam it all back together with duct tape and the wrong size of screws.

It was heaven. The electric shocks I could have done without, but instead of the frustration just building and building, you'd get in there and mess it up yourself and have no one else to blame when it chewed up your tapes.

When you've just got to sit there and there's nothing you can do and no one you can talk to (for free) about it - it's a different kind of frustration now. I guess if I were a bit more computer literate I could techno-bodge, but the modern electronic world is geared towards impotence, disruption and sleeplessness when things go wrong.

The very first computer I owned was a Vic20 I got for Christmas back in... oo, early 80s some time? Plugged it in to the telly (oh yes), spent hours trying to make it work, there were tears before lunchtime and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Not until after the Queen's speech did it become apparent that '0' and 'O' are not the same thing I should have cottoned on then: it's all going to get much more teeth-clenchy and stomping around fuming in Tomorrow's World. The hours and days I've wasted...

yeah youre on the right track ... 't'is parley'

ooh! first computers! mine was an Aquarius. same era. you could play Tron (which seemed to just be a random name, as it had nothing to do with the film what-so-ever)or program it to make sounds or flashing colours....oh the fun and that was about it. i was riveted.

i havent even bothered phoning a helpline... i guessed i'd get the same sorta response you seem to have gotten.... do you think it's just a simple case of them not having enough bandwith or server space or what not to accomodate the users subsribed to them then? surely that means theyre unable to provide the service they offer, and we pay for, and as such are in breach of the agreement? Hmmmm....

>>>> I should have cottoned on then: it's all going to get much more teeth-clenchy and stomping around fuming in Tomorrow's World. The hours and days I've wasted... <<<<

What you need is a 14 yr old son who was born knowing how to programme fancy schmancy scratch-yer-back and do-a-little-jig-after-tea dooveedoo players, 12-in-1 remote controls ( what are those all about?) and put the 'pooter back together after you've hoovered. Drives old man Trog bonkers

'course I take all the credit.... *my* boy.

I'm not looking forward to the day the wee one turns round, sighs at me, then goes 'No, *not* like that mum, like this'

Our ISP isn't so bad and has been pretty good so far (we're with BT) but I do miss our 10mb unlimited download service with Virgin.

Just dropped the ISP that you get when you mix red and yellow. They were pretty awful. Will be using one in future owned by that man whose papers I spent years refusing to buy

Do some more stomping, it's funny

My service provider's great, until something goes wrong, then it's a nightmare. At one point, last year I think, I had to resort to taking pen to paper to complain in a *very* strong manner. The problem was eventully fixed and I was even given a refund in the form of a couple of months of free service, but despite my complaints about their standard of customer service, that hasn't been *fixed*. It's appalling. They also charge you many spoons for the privilege

Googling 'Not a lemon complaints' chucks up some interesting reading, in particular...

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/04/24/orange_ispa/

I believe they also "won" the award for being the UK's worst IS(non)P recently.

RF

I don't bloody believe this.

8.30 this evening - same again. Managed to get through to the customer support people this time. Looks like it could be 'congestion' (mind you, it took a good deal of 'NO! NO! NO!' before I convinced her to go and ask someone). In which case... well, the upshot seemed to be that, yes, I am paying them for Broadband and what have you, but don't expect to use it in the evenings much

Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus

Hmmm. Dastardly revenge and reparation must now be plotted