h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

1. Deep Down


Fred: Mr. Big-hit-in-Vegas is too busy danke-schon-ing the tourists to care about us.



Lilah: Hmm. That didn't suck. Well maybe just a little bit.

Wesley: Perhaps that is something we can expand on next time.

Lilah: What makes you think there will be a next time?

Wesley: Because you can't resist me.



Wesley: Wouldn't think kidnapping his son would have such a negative effect on our friendship.

Lilah: You thought you were doing the right thing. I hear that can be confusing.



Justine: Well, I guess anything is better than sitting around in my cage all day with nothing to do but to fill my bucket.

Wesley: Perhaps you should have considered that before slitting my throat.



Wesley: We all get what we deserve. You and Holtz deserved each other. You two have so much in common. Pain, loss, deep-seated lack of anything approaching humor.



Gunn: Three months ago a friend of ours went missing down there.

Marissa: Tall, good-looking, weird hair?



Gunn: Are you sure about that? Offspring of two vampires. Last time I checked that's not supposed to happen. And jumping off a six-story without busting your coconut kind of sways me to the side of not just a boy. I mean, come on, Fred. His nickname back in Quortoth was the destroyer. And unless you put Conan in front of that, I'm guessing it's not a good sign.



Fred: No. And who's fluffy? Are you fluffy?

Gunn: He called me fluffy?

Fred: He said make sure... Wait. You don't think he was referring to anything of mine that's fluffy, do you? Because that would just be inappropriate.



Gunn: Like deserting us? No leads, no clients, pretty soon no roof over my smooth delicate head.

Fred: I could make you a paper hat.



Connor: Is this going to be the yelling thing again?

Fred: No. No yelling.

Connor: He looks like he's gonna yell.

Gunn: I do not.

Connor: He always looks like he's gonna yell.

Gunn: I'm not gonna yell!



Fred: I can't imagine what you've been through, Connor, being taken away by Holtz, raised in that place. It must have been horrible. I know you're still hurting but I promise, it's not nearly as much as you're gonna hurt for what you did to your father.



Gunn: That's right, Sparky, Daddy's coming home. And I'm guessing there's going to be a spanking.



Angel: So how was your summer? Mine was fun. Saw some fish. Went mad with hunger. Hallucinated a whole bunch.



Angel: What you did to me was unbelievable, Connor. But then I got stuck in a hell dimension by my girlfriend one time for a hundred years, so three months under the ocean actually gave me perspective.



Cordelia: God, I am so bored.


2. Ground State



Fred: Sure. Banished to the ocean depths by your ungrateful snot of a son.

Gunn: Not that she's bitter.



Angel: I never got the chance to thank you. Finding me, bringing me up. Must have been hard for you. No map, all that water.



Angel: What should I do then? Send her a gift? Sacrifice? Unholy fruit basket?



Angel: Keep it up you're gonna make me seasick.

Dinza: I doubt it. I think it would have happened before now.



Dinza: I know you were lost. I know all the lost things.

Angel: Really? City of Atlantis? Holy Grail? Jimmy Hoffa.



Elliot: I thought I said discreet.

Gwen: What? Do you see a nipple?



Gunn: Yeah, but if it's an auction house can't we just, you know, e-bay it?



Fred: I'm still working on a plan, but so far it involves being sent to prison and becoming somebody's bitch.



Angel: No one's going to jail, Fred. I told you, a heist like this, I've done it a million times. Okay. Maybe twice, but I'm good at it. I swear!

Gunn: Uh, you're *not* counting the time we stole the crazy making death shroud that nearly killed us, right?



Angel: I'm really strong, if that helps.



Gunn: That's my girl, large and in charge. Okay, teensy-weensy and in charge.



Gunn: Damn. This is so much harder than it looks on Batman.



Angel: Who are you?

Gwen: Who are you?

Angel: I asked you first.

Gwen: What are you, seven?



Angel: What I find interesting? The fact that I can smell you and Wesley all over each other.



Fred: Being dead? Gone. See anything interesting? White light? Shirley McLain?



Gwen: You're alive.

Angel: You felt that? My heart...

Gwen: It was beating. It doesn't, does it?



Elliot: No. I thought he was yours - what with the - tonguing.

Gwen: In his dreams.

Angel: Not even close.



Angel: He's gonna seal us in. Turn on the gas.

Gwen: What are you, Lex Luthor?



Gunn: You think higher beings get to take vacations?

Angel: The way I saw it - it felt sort of permanent.

Gunn: Too bad. We could've all gone to Vegas.



Cordelia: What are you? Deficient? Get me out of here!



3. The House Always Wins


Angel: I know you're there - watching me.

Cordelia: Oh my god! Angel, you can hear me? I so love you! You don't know what it's been like!

Fred: We weren't spying.

Cordelia: Ah, for crap's sake.



Angel: I just thought we could all use a little getaway to decompress. I know I haven't had a vacation in a while - not counting my recent ocean cruise.



Fred: They must think it's all makeup - like the blue man group. You don't think the blue man group...

Angel: Only two of them.



Lorne: Hey! Love ya.

Fred: We love you t... Wait. That was him being superficial, wasn't it?



Gunn: Hey, if it'll make my honey feel better, put her mind at ease, my fun can wait.

Fred: It's because you're out of chips isn't it?

Gunn: Yeah.



Angel: This place was so much friendlier when the mob ran it.



Gunn: Man. Heads of state don't get this much security. Something's starting to feel a lot 'not right' about his.

Fred: That's what I've been saying - only with better grammar.



Lorne: Fluffy! Fluffy, the dog? The dog you don't have? The universally recognized code for 'I'm being held prisoner. Send help.'

Fred: Oh. Okay. I'm hip now.



Gunn: Right. And I'm your friend.

Angel: I know. I'm not stupid.



Spencer: He's won a little over three hundred thousand dollars - and a car.

Lorne: Pretty good haul for somebody with no destiny, huh?



Gunn: Angel?

Angel: You're my friend. I know. I'm not stupid.



4. Slouching Towards Bethlehem

Angel: Well, yeah, sure, but I mean let's be smart. I want her to remember who I am before I freak her out with the whole undead, drinks blood part of my resume.



Cordelia: Cordelia. Hi. I'm Cordy. I'm Cordelia Chase. I'm - Just breathe. Just breathe. Sunnydale. OK, popular. No real surprise there. "Cordelia, homeroom was fun. Too bad it burnt to the ground." What? "Hey, how 'bout that giant snake." “Dear Cordelia, thanks for the flaming arrows." Flaming arrows?



Fred: I'm gonna be washing their teeny brains out of my hair for a week.

Gunn: Hang on. Turn around.

Fred: What is it?

Gunn: You don't even want to know.



Cordelia: Wow. How did I - ? I am a spy. I get it now. You're all spies. Probably all Russian. And you've brainwashed me, and want me to believe we're friends so I'll spill the beans about some nano-techno-thingy that you want.

Gunn: So... I look Russian to you?

Cordelia: Black Russian.

Angel: That's a drink.

Cordelia: Says the head spy.



Cordelia: I mean, what the hell is going on here, Angie?

Angel: Angel.

Cordelia: Whatever.



Lorne: Hey, if this was about that missing lingerie, that was for a friend.



Cordelia: It all makes perfect sense now. I was a cheerleader, a princess and a warrior. And I have visions and super powers and I'm the target of an evil law firm because I've spent the last three months living on a higher plane, fighting for the forces of good, who wage a battle against demons and evilies and squishy bug babies, 'cause all that stuff's real and that's the world I live in. And I think I know why I don't remember any of this 'cause, hey - who'd want to!



Cordelia: Says the vampire with a soul and his wacky gang of sidekicks.

Gunn: Um, not a sidekick.



Cordelia: You keep telling me I was a higher being. Don't make me turn you into a rat.

Gunn: Can she do that?



Cordelia: I don't want a sandwich. I don't want cookies. I wanna talk to Angel, sans sidekicks.

Gunn: I am not a sidekick.



Lorne: Do the words "slouching towards Bethlehem" ring a bell? Or how about despair, torment, terror? And I'm not referring to little missy's choice of song, either, although that was horrifying in its own right. What I saw was jumbled. It was pieces, flashes. It was enough to make my skin crawl away and scamper under the bed. Evil's coming, Angel, and it's planning on staying.



Cordelia: How big is this dump? Angel? Mr. Bumpy-face? Hello?



Connor: You're not safe here.

Cordelia: Ya think?



Gunn: And the gal does have a history of whooping ass. I mean, you saw the hurting she put on those Wolfram and Hart dudes. And could she really turn me into a rat?



Fred: Hello, back to the something. Is that why you ran out while Cordelia was singing?

Lorne: Well, A: I wasn't running, I was fleeing, and B: Yes.

Gunn: Well, how horrible is this thing?

Lorne: Well, I haven't read the Book of Revelations lately, but if I was searching for adjectives, I'd probably start there.



Cordelia: You're him. You're Angel's son.

Connor: It's not like I got to choose.



Wesley: A bit careless, misplacing her after all the effort to find her.



Fred: If it makes you feel better, I would have chosen you.

Angel: Thanks. But no, it doesn't.

5. Supersymmetry



Lorne: Smashing. Listen. I know I've been a wee bit jumpy the last couple of days, but - did I hear a scream?

Angel: Oh, it's just Fred. I think it's a Texas thing.



Lorne: Sorry. I jumped ahead. That 'no' was the one that comes after you asking me to read Cordy again.

Angel: I wasn't - going to ask you that immediately. I was gonna build up to it subtly.



Angel: Wait! You should take her fuzzy slippers. Her feet get cold.

Connor: I know. She always stealing the covers.



Gunn: The girl kept me up all night. She is un-stoppable.

Angel: More than I need to know.

Fred: Did Charles tell you?

Angel: He-he didn't describe it.



Fred: I'm between Ed Witten and Brian Greene? Think Nomar Garciaparra and Sammy Sosa.

Angel: Fred's skipped the minors and went straight to the show.



Gunn: Listen, man, I'm gonna need simultaneous translating on this thing. You know, like the president with the Russians, but just give me the highlights.

Angel: No problem. Of course, I have no idea what she's talking about.

Gunn: Will you tell Fred that? If she thinks we're both stupid, I won't stand out as much.



Lilah: Yeah. Hulk smash.



Gunn: Think Daredevil one eighty one. I'm Bullseye, you're Electra. One wins one dies. Get what I'm saying?

Teen: Yeah. But we're kind of crushing the Dark Horses.



Gunn: Like the story about the girl, the cat and the peanut butter.

Angel: That one's true. Long story.



Teen: Yeah, like, you're Angel, right? There are whole forums on you in chat rooms, man! Who knew you actually, like, existed?!



Gunn: We're full up on interns. But the decoder ring's in the mail.



Angel: They talk about me in the chatty rooms?



Fred: No. To me. He's the son of a bitch that sent me to Pylea.



Fred: Acting like I'm all addlebrained talking about other dimensions. Pylea, never heard of it. Right! How about a flail whipping? Would that take a nice long time?

Angel: Hours if you do it right. Not that you should do it at all. - Ever.



Fred: You know what they say about payback? Well, I'm the bitch.



Angel: Come on! I'm holding your head!



Angel: Sucked into his own portal. Wish I could have seen his face.



Angel: It'll be okay. Run-in with a Voynok demon. Turns out they have nine lives.

Cordelia: Like a cat?

Angel: Only less stand off-ish

6. Spin the Bottle


Angel: I was never - in the workplace, I - Well, there was that one time with the - the ballet and the stripping and the roundness, but that was a spell. And-and we were meeting in Malibu on the bluffs at night. That's a pretty romantic restraining order!




Cordelia: I know my ABC's, my history, I know who's President, and that I sorta wish I didn't.



Gunn: Oh, good. Symbols on the floor. That's always good.

Lorne: Check your sarcasm at the door, pouty britches.



Wesley: Did I miss the spell? Did English go away?



Gunn: What happened to you, man?

Wesley: I had my throat cut and all my friends abandoned me.



Cordelia: Hello, salty goodness.



Gunn: I'm the guy that's gonna be kicking a whole mess of ass if somebody don't tell me what's going on.

Cordelia: What do they call you for short?



Wesley: There's no need to be snippety, Miss.

Cordelia: This is a clarion call for snippety, Princess Charles.



Cordelia: You don't sound Irish?

Angel: For most certain, I sound exactly - Something wrong with my voice.



Wesley: Perhaps the whole point of this experiment is hair.

Gunn: I vote he's not in charge.



Angel: I knew it. It's the devil.

Fred: Why is the devil sleepy?



Cordelia: Hey. Hey, you two want to stop the homo-erotic buddy cop session long enough to explain this.



Angel: It's about time the English got what's comin' to 'em. I'm rootin' for the slave.



Lorne: Ugh. I know I'm still unconscious during this part of the story, but... can you believe these mooks?



Cordelia: I kinda have filled out even more.

Fred: And - I apparently ain't gonna.



Cordelia: This is so unfair! I'm a craggy 20-something? What about prom?!



Fred: So, you think, if we kill this vampire, they take off the spell whammy and we can go back to being ourselves?

Cordelia: And never see each other again?

Wesley: I believe we can all just go about our business.

Cordelia: And never see each other again?



Cordelia: Great. I'll go with tall, dark, and slightly less pathetic than you two here.



Fred: I'm ready. I'm OK. Be cooler if we could score some weed, though.



Angel: How did - ? You stopped the tiny men from singing.

Cordelia: You really are far from home, aren't you?



Angel: Sorry for acting so... womanish.



Angel: I'm invisible.

Cordelia: No, you're not.

Angel: Oh. Excuse me.



Angel: I'm a vampire. They're gonna kill me.



Wesley: I'm not quite finished. I think it's only fair that everybody have a turn. The cross obviously doesn't affect me or our friend, the pugilist.

Gunn: Oh, your ass better pray I don't look that word up.



Lorne: Hey, here's a funny sidebar. I'm tied to a chair - again!



Angel: Well, I-I never touched her.

Cordelia: So, clearly, deviant.



Cordelia: What do you mean, it's hard? I mean, she's the tasty one. Look at her. Half of her is neck.



Cordelia: Well, who wouldn't? Look, you're a wee bit chess club for my usual beat, but you kill that freak and you're getting a big reward.

Connor: You mean it?

Cordelia: Hoo doggy!



Angel: I'm supposed to be evil, but they attack me without cause. They gang up on me because I'm different. They're as bad as my father.

Connor: Fathers. Don't they suck?

Angel: Is he a self-righteous bastard?

Connor: You'd be amazed.

Angel: I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be attacked. I didn't ask to be a freak. Hell, I didn't even ask to be born.


7. Rain of Fire

Cordelia: Don't worry. I'm not gonna turn into Amnesia Action Figure Cordy again.



Lorne: Snakes? Uh-huh. And they came out of your what? OK, OK, well did they get up there themselves, or is this part of a, you know, a thing. No, I'm not judging. Do we fight snakes?

Angel: Only if they're giant. Or demons. Or giant demons. Are they giant demon snakes?



Lilah: Oh, forget about that evil witch. Let's talk about me. I'm good and pure and science turns me on, and-and one day if I pray hard enough and eat all my vegetables, I just might just have hips.



Angel: You're trying to hide it. I can smell it on you?

Lilah: Chanel?

Angel: Fear.

Lilah: Well, you are very imposing in this light.



Lorne: Well it might take a couple days. You're fifth on the bleeding walls list. You know what, spritz it with a little 409. We'll get back to you.



Angel: You're holding it. We figure out what all this means, then do something large and violent.

Wesley: I see you've given it considerable thought.



Angel: The Eye of Fire.

Wesley: Ancient alchemical symbol for fire.

Angel: And destruction.

Gunn: You had me at fire.



8. Habeas Corpses



Lorne: Oh, I believe he’s referring to the big, bad and possibly invincible demony thing that nearly killed us all before he ringmastered tonight’s Cirque de Flambé.

Lilah: Listen, Frank, I don’t care if you have to Lojack the damn thing— find that beast or I swear to god I will…
Gavin: Boil you alive
Lilah: Shut up! …boil you alive.

Lilah: Well, it wants the same things we do. An apocalypse, an end to the world, yadda, yadda, yadda. The partners feel it might speed things along and save a few bucks.

Lilah: Go downstairs and check it out. Gavin, ask yourself this question: what are you more afraid of? A giant murderous demon… or me?
Gavin: I’ll be right back.

Lorne: Just… just meditating on the problem. Yeah, asking the inner Lorne for a little backup.

Angel: Somebody should stay here and mind the store.
Lorne: Oh, me, me, me! Sergeant Stay-at-Home, volunteering for duty, sir.

Lorne: Happy hunting! We’ll stay here and keep the home fires burning. Bake some nice healing muffins…

Connor: He looks dead.
Angel: He is dead. Technically undead. A zombie.
Connor: What’s a zombie?
Angel: It’s an undead thing.
Connor: Like you?
Angel: No! Zombies are slow-moving dim-witted things that crave human flesh.
Connor: Like you.
Angel: No!

Gunn: What the hell was that?
Wesley: Zombies.
Gunn: Yeah, thanks for the newsflash, Captain Obvious.

Angel: Not exactly. More like a gateway. And there’s a little girl there… or something old and evil that likes to pretend she’s a little girl…

Wesley: Do you remember the code?
Angel: Hello? Photographic memory...
Connor: Maybe you forgot.
Angel: I didn’t forget.



9. Long Day's Journey



Gwen: Yeah, and considering the holy-roller Revelations party that seems to be going on lately, I can see why you might want them. But as juicy as the commission is… I’ve got this problem wherein…I’m very respectfully going on vacation to Tahiti, sir.

Wesley: However, it appears that was not her only function. I’ve just found an entry in Rhinehardt’s Compendium for that same little girl— or rather the entity presenting itself as one. Her name is Mesektet.
Fred: Hmm… I figured Tiffany or Brandi.

Gunn: You see? I told you Connor can’t be trusted. Look how weird he’s made her.

Cordelia: I swear. Like father, like son. The two of you have cornered the market on teenage snits.

Angel: The Powers are sending us a wake-up call, people. Sure, we’ve been— I don’t want to say “demolished”— beaten. And sure it’s slightly demoralizing but from here on out, we’re on the offensive.

Gwen: Demon, okay? The whole nine: cloven feet and horns and teeth and…he wasn’t wearing lamé, though.
Lorne: Yeah, the evil ones can’t pull it off. It gets camp.

Angel: We can handle it. Superpowers. I’ll catch her up on the drive.
Cordelia: But it’s a four-hour trip. Both ways.
Angel: I’m sure we’ll find something to talk about.

Gwen: Jeez! Where were you when they taught stealth in superpower school?

Angel: What did you mean before? “The Beast is going to turn out the sun.” Is that some kind of metaphor?
Manny: Sorry. I don’t speak “college boy”.

Wesley: As far as evil plans go, it doesn’t suck.

Angel: The Axis of Pythia— the thing I used to find you on the higher plane— it’s worth $33 million. I gave it back to Gwen when I was done.

Gwen: Okay, then. I’ll take Denzel.
Gunn: Actually, it’s Gunn. Not that I mind the freakishly accurate comparison but you will keep your hands to yourself.

Gwen: Gunn, I already apologized for killing you. What more do you want? A wake?

Wesley: No… but Angelus might. There’s only one way we’re going to defeat this Beast. We need Angelus.

10. Awakening



Gunn: I’ll tell you what it means. Soon as vamps everywhere realize this town’s open for business 24/7, there’s going to be a huge rise in undead tourism.

Cordelia: Well, if I didn’t when Angelus was loose and killing in Sunnydale, then reliving his past horrors in virtual wide-screen sensurround during my tenure in Floatyville, pretty makes me an expert.

Cordelia: Well, not like Angelus would be. I mean, he’s… he’s smart.
Angel: Excuse me?
Cordelia: Well… you know what I mean.
Angel: You’re saying Angelus is smarter than me.
Cordelia: No! You’re smart.

Lorne: Hey, listen, Angelcakes, if it’s all the same with you, I think I might sit this one out upstairs. You know how dark magick unleashing unspeakable evil gives me the heebies.

Angel: That means if anything should go wrong with Angelus, you’re going to have to kill me.
Connor: Okay.

Angel: If anything goes wrong.

Cordelia: Angel, you don’t have to do this.
Angel: Now she tells me.

Angel: Did you hear that? There’s a sword. A sword to kill the Beast. And you wanted to turn me into Angelus by having an evil shaman cut off my head. Not that that wasn’t a swell plan, too.

Wesley: I was careless. I made a mistake that almost cost you your life. Would have made pulling you out of the ocean a big waste of my time.
Angel: Yeah, that would have been a drag.

Cordelia: I don’t think it is. I mean, I get the impression that somehow it’s accessible from like a hundred points all over the world.
Connor: How’s that work?
Cordelia: I don’t know. I just get the visions, not the Cliff Notes.

Cordelia: What are those? Holiday decorations left over from some S&M bondage party?

Angel: That hurt.
Connor: Yeah, I can really see why she wants you.

Gunn: I thought you guys might be dead.
Angel: Don’t stop thinking it yet.

Fred: As far as we can figure from the texts, nothing human will survive at that close a range. I’m not even sure that you can.
Angel: I’ll let you know.

Beast: We could rule this world. Why do you oppose me?
Angel: Rain of fire, blocking out the sun… and you just kinda piss me off.

Beast: The boy joins the father in death.
Connor: No. In kicking your stony ass.

Angel: Buffy… oh god… no!

Wo Pang: Illusion becomes reality. It is done.

11. Soulless



Fred: Killing, maiming, torture…
Lorne: Puppies nailed to walls— thank you, Cordelia, for that lovely image—

Angelus: I don’t know. Maybe he doesn’t remember the good times. Maybe he won’t let himself. So like him. Here’s one for you. What’s the deal with Angel and the Raiders of the Lost Ark?
Wesley: The movie?
Angelus: The perfect-day fantasy he came up with. Caves, booby traps… the requisite phallic sword.

Angelus: Oh, god, yeah! Let’s talk about Cordy, shall we? Huh? Now there’s a rack to write home about. Too bad about the personality, though. Yap, yap, yap, yap.

Angelus: “Oh, god… Angel. Oh, Angel… we can’t. I love you but you were so bad. You ate babies.” Chicks…

Fred: Well, now that’s just ridiculous. Connor’s Angel’s son. It would be like sleeping with your own…Oh…

Connor: Everyone’s afraid of you.
Angelus: Is that my shirt?

Connor: So did Cordy.
Angelus: She looks good on everybody.

Angelus: Kind of unnecessary, don’t you think? I mean, with your track record, I’ll be staking myself by the end of the day.

Angelus: And now my boy’s in love… all hearts and flowers. But doesn’t it freak you out that she used to change your diapers? I mean, when you think about it, the first woman you boned is the closest thing you’ve ever had to a mother. Doing your mom and trying to kill your dad…hmm, there should be a play.

Angelus: What’s a better ride than a Mustang?
Cordelia: Me.

Angelus: The more you piss me off, the longer I’ll keep you alive. Something tells me she’s a screamer.

12. Calvary


Gunn: That shaman should have never been brought here. Now instead of just worrying about the big bad rock-eater, we got Darth Vampire living in the basement.

Angelus: You know, I had a bit of an Irish brogue back in the day. If you like, I can use it on you when I rape you to death.

Angelus: Yet managing to display better grooming habits than you. Look at yourself, Lilah. All these years wanting to meet me… you couldn’t run a comb through your hair, maybe slap on a little lipstick? Evil doesn’t have to mean sloppy.

Angelus: Morons. The big rock doesn’t have minions. It is the minion.

Angelus: How did you survive this long being so retarded?

Lorne: Zip. Zilch. And what in the hell is succu-bitch doing here?

Lilah: Don’t go Watchtower on me, Saint Cordelia. I don’t think I could stomach it.
Cordelia: Man, I’d love to punch your face in.
Lilah: Are you trying to turn me on?

Angelus: Mmm… man, I’m telling you, if I swung that way… look at him. All rugged and handsome. And brains! Man, he’s damn near perfect.
Wesley: Thank you.

Gunn: Yeah, sometimes you just gotta keep whackin’.

Lorne: Wesley, would you please warn this walking infection that I haven’t forgotten how she poked my head open like a Capri-Sun and while my love for humanity allows me to tolerate her presence, if need be I will smack her down! Be a doll, Thanks.

Angelus: Have you all lost your minds? You’re going to use black magick to restore my soul. People, this never goes well. Am I the only one paying attention?
Lilah: Ten-to-one, the entire hotel gets sucked into a hell dimension.
Gunn: You two, with the shuttin’ up.

Lilah: It’s my inner megalomaniac. I rebel at serving coffee.

Angelus: What happened to pedestrians? Human pedestrians? Is there no fast food left in Los Angeles?

Lilah: He’s gonna kill us.
Cordelia: I know. Why do you think I let him out, you stupid bitch?

13. Salvage



Angelus: But hey, I’m no different than the next guy. I put my victim’s skin on one leg at a time.

Lorne: Hey, as soon as FTD’s delivering in the city again, expect a big thanks-a-bunch bouquet from me, girls. Ciao.

Faith: You okay?
Wesley: Five by five.

Faith: Angel’s got a kid?
Wesley: Connor.
Faith: A teenage kid… born last year.
Wesley: I told you. He grew up in a hell dimension.
Faith: Right. And what? Cordelia spend her last summer as…?
Wesley: A divine being.
Faith: Uh-huh. Can I just ask… what the hell are you people doing?
Wesley: Leading complicated lives, obviously.

Wesley: Thought you could use a little release. Feel natural?
Faith: Just like riding a biker.

Angelus: Hi, Dawn. Yeah, it’s me. Is your sister home? (beat) She is? It’s the other one.

Connor: So… Vampire Slayers. I was told about them. How come you’re always girls?
Faith: I don’t know. Better at it, I guess.

Angelus: Aw, crap! You mean killing the Beast really does bring back the sun? I thought that was Angel’s retarded fantasy.

Cordelia: A weakness for Slayers. You’re definitely his son.


14. Release



Angelus: After I rip out your windpipe till it stops making that annoying talky sound.

Angelus: Hey, you’re preaching to the guy who ate the choir.

Angelus: Defy who? A big, scary voice? Whoa! Hey, I’ve got one of those, too. You want to hear it? You can kiss my vampire ass! That do anything for ya?

Lorne: Did I mention the only shots I’m good at involve tequila?

Angelus: Oh, that’s great! You made me lose my shopkeeper.

Wesley: Oh, you have a problem with a little torture now? I seem to recall a time when you rather enjoyed it.

Lorne: Smacked in the noggin with a 2x4 wrapped in velvet. Yeah, that’s what it felt like.
Fred: I am so so beyond sorry.
Lorne: Oh, go on. It’s the first good nap I’ve had since the apocalypse started. So what’d I miss?


15. Orpheus



Lorne: And speaking of sense, have you been on permanent sabbatical from yours? Tell me you did not shoot that girl full of junk and then feed her to Angelus.

Cordelia: A coma?
Connor: Yeah, that’s what it looked like when Wesley brought her in.
Cordelia: Like she hasn’t pulled that one before.

Faith: You know what the definition of insanity is, baby? Performing the same task over and over and expecting different results. Learned that in murder rehab.

Faith: Seriously, man. Did you miss the invention of the bath?
Angelus: The whole way over here he crouched in the filth of the animals just to avoid human temptation. This isn’t my life. It’s his!
Faith: Angel’s?
Angelus: It annoyed the crap out of me the first time around. This sucks. And why do you get to be Marley’s ghost?
Faith: ’Cause I’m dying, dumb-ass.

Faith: Then I’m— whatever. Dust in the wind. Candle in the wind. There’ll be a general wind theme.

Faith: Dude! You just rescued a puppy.

Faith: We’re reliving Angel’s good deeds. You are in hell. Wicked.

Willow: Yes, hi. You must be Angel’s handsome yet androgynous son.
Connor: It’s Connor.
Willow: And the sneer’s genetic. Who knew?

Willow: Hey, Fred. It’s good to see you. (to Wesley) Oh, and it’s the Marlboro Man… or at least his extra stubbly, mentally unstable, insomniac first cousin… oh, for the love of Hecate somebody stop me.

Willow: How have you been?
Cordelia: Higher power. You?
Willow: Ultimate evil. But I got better.

Cordelia: You heard about Faith?
Willow: Coma again.

Faith: Mandy, huh? It must kill you he’s got a jones for the power ballads.
Angelus: Worse were the concerts.

Wesley: Sorry. I think my sense of humor’s trapped in a jar somewhere.
Willow: It does seem like you’ve given in to the grumpy side of the Force.

Willow: I flayed a guy alive and tried to destroy the world.
Wesley: Oh. So…
Willow: Darkness. Been there.
Wesley: Yes. Well, I never… flayed. I had a woman chained in a closet.
Willow: Oh, well, hey!
Wesley: Nah, it doesn’t compare.
Willow: No, dark! That’s dark. You’ve been to a place.

Faith: Angel, it’s good to see you. Hate the hair.

Angel: I’m not perfect, Faith. Even with a soul I’ve done things I’ve wished a thousand times I could take back.
Angelus: Yeah, like those Manilow concerts, you son of a bitch!

Angelus: Anybody notice a battle with your alter ego going on here?

Faith: Break me off a switch, son…there’s about to be a whuppin’.

Angel: How are you feeling?
Faith: Like I did mushrooms and got eaten by a bear.

Connor: All right, I get it. I messed up.
Faith: Hey, cheer up, punk. That just makes you one of us.

Gunn: Nah, I’m good. I just wish I could’ve seen you kicking the crap out of junior here.
Faith: It was pretty funny.

Faith: See? Brits know how to say goodbye. Angel here wanted to hug.
Angel: No, I didn’t.

Willow: I’ll tell Buffy you said hi.
Angel: Good. Thanks.

Willow: Oh, next time you guys resurrect Angelus… call me first, okay?


16. Players



Gunn: Well, congratulations. You’re going to have a grandspawn.

Gunn: Two vampires hook up and for the only time in vamp history have a kid— our boy Connor. Then Connor grows up, knocks it out with Cordelia— a part demon, former higher-being— and quick as you can say “Easy-Bake Oven”, there’s a gigantic bun in hers. I don’t think we were too harsh.

Fred: Having two part-demon parents might could explain the whoosh factor.
Gunn: Not gonna be long until whoosh turns into pop.

Angel: Easy-Bake, flop-a-palooza, whoosh, pop. I don’t skulk.

Gunn: No, I think it’s fantastic. Listen, I’ve spent most of this year trapped in what I can only describe as a turgid supernatural soap opera.

Gunn: You tell me. I’m thinking James Bond never looked this fine.
Gwen: I’m thinking you’re right.

Gwen: I can explain that. I was struck by lightning. Really. See how my life sucks?

Fred: But you hated her. Didn’t you?
Wesley: It’s not always about holding hands.

Cordelia: You know, that never stops creeping me out.
Angel: Yeah? Kind of creeped out myself.

Wesley: I recognize the text. It’s an early Fallorian code system. Let’s see. “The green… cart-like vehicle… eats…I am not a bucket-head.”

Angel: Try this one.
Wesley: Something about… strangling poultry.

Gwen: Anyway, thanks for turning me… off.

Lorne: Has Cordy been a bad, bad girl?


17. Inside Out



Gunn: Guy steps out for a few hours, half the place goes super-villain.

Angel: Conner's not a part of this.
Lorne: Evidence upside my head to the contrary.
Angel: He's just... confused... again.

Skip: Well, wait. Nobody comes back from paradise. Okay, a Slayer once, but that—

Skip: No, Cordelia was chosen to become a higher being because she's such a pure, radiant saint. Puh-lease.

Gunn: Then what do you call it?
Skip: Oh, Master or "Hey."

Skip: The only thing you can do. Kill the woman he loves to save the world. Times like this? Really gotta suck being you.

Darla: Because you're acting like one. As a vampire I killed without mercy or remorse because I didn't have a soul. What's your excuse?



18. Shiny, Happy People



Connor: You’ve got to stop torturing yourself, dad. He was like this all the way back in the car.

Connor: She’s amazing. You’ll go nuts.
Gunn: Yeah, that’ll definitely help us relate better.

Angel: A little credit for the “divinity behind the scenes” policy wouldn’t suck.

Lorne: Nothing like a homicidal maniac to put a damper on an impromptu spiritual gathering.

Lorne: I should have just let her cut my head off. My species… decapitation loophole.


19. Magic Bullet



Lorne: Hey, preachin’ to the choir. I thought Our Lady of the Perpetual Seabreeze was the real deal till the divine Miss J walked right through that door and into my ass. Which is where my heart is. Physiologically.

Jasmine: I sound like the prologue to one of those movies about magickal dwarves.
Gunn: Hobbits. And you watch movies?

Lorne: You know what they say about people who need people.
Connor: They’re the luckiest people in the world.
Lorne: You been sneakin’ peeks at my Streisand collection again, kiddo?

Gunn: Evil, not evil, evil again… wish he’d make up his mind.

Angel: But it could, right? I mean, stranger things have happened.
Fred: Like Cordelia giving birth to a beautiful ebony goddess?

Connor: Where are those people?
Jasmine: I ate them.
Connor: Cool.

Wesley: I’ll get him. I’ve kidnapped him before.

Connor: I’ll kill you!
Angel: It’ll pass.
Lorne: Yeah, right, ’cause lord knows, he’s never tried that before.



20. Sacrifice



Lorne: Speakin' of moot, what about us? Anyone else feel like the last feisty wife in Stepford?

Gunn: Well, I ain't eatin' no rats.
Angel: Good. Neither am I.

Lorne: I know, kitten. It's strange, but under that blood-feeding creature of the night facade, he seems a bit heartless lately.
Angel: Hearts get in the way.
Lorne: Hearing as good as ever, though, boss!

Fred: Or it could just be rats.
Gunn: Now what did you have to go and say that for? Damn!

Demon: You is talky meat. Don't make me come down there.

Demon: I tear your guts all inside out. I stitch your guts every all over. Why don't you go dead?

Angel: Well, then... I guess it's time to shoot the messenger. Or, you know, chop the messenger into little bitty pieces. Whatever.


21. Peace Out


Gunn: You’ve got to be kidding me. You know what maggot-face looks like and you’re still big with the worship?
Connor: I grew up in Quortoth, a hell dimension full of all sorts of things you can’t even imagine. So, you know, appearance? Not that important to me.

High Priest: The true name is known only by the Keeper of the Name.
Angel: Right. That’s you!
High Priest: No, I am the Guardian of the Word!
Angel: You said the Word is the Name.
High Priest: Yes, and I guard the keeper of it.
Angel: So you’re the Keeper’s keeper?
High Priest: I am the Guardian of the Word!
Angel: Yeah, okay, so where’s this Keeper of the Name?

Connor: I’m asking you. I can smell her on you. So tell me and I’ll crush your windpipe.
Jeremy: You mean “or,” right? Or you’ll crush my windpipe?

Jasmine: And look what free will has gotten you.
Angel: Hey, I didn’t say we were smart. I said it’s our right. It’s what makes us human.
Jasmine: But you’re not human.
Angel: Working on it.

Angel: Maybe not. But I’ll die before I let you hurt anyone else.
Jasmine: You’re already dead!
Angel: You know what I mean.

Jasmine: Why do you hate me so much?
Angel: Let’s run down the list, huh? Rain of fire, blotting out the sun, enslaving mankind and, oh yeah. Hey, you eat people!
Jasmine: Like you never have?


22. Home



Lilah: Whatsa matter, Ace? Didn't think you were the only one who ever gets to come back from hell around here, didja?

Wesley: It's a lie.
Lilah: --lah. "It's a Lilah."

Gunn: Vampire?
Lilah: Ewww. Please. Angelus drank from me, true. But, like with most men, it was a one way street. I was dead already.

Lilah: Oh, I don't think you'll want it...but you'll take it. Because this...this is the offer...of a lifetime! Just not, you know, mine.

Lorne: "Just the L.A. branch..." Hi. I'm from another dimension. What the hell does that mean?

Gunn: You wanna give us your evil law firm..? We ain't lawyers!
Fred: Or evil. Currently.

Gunn: Reward for what?
Lilah: For ending world peace.

Gunn: Kid needs a leash if you ask me. Does it seem like we spend half our time looking for him?

Wesley: Oh. Yes. That was awkward, wasn't it? You decapitate a loved one; you don't expect them to come visiting.
Gunn: "Loved one?"
Wesley: Figure of speech.

Wesley: What were the odds the humans would be the most corruptible?

Lorne: So it's an evil limo. I get that. Does that mean we don't re-stock the cherries? Also, a little air back here wouldn't be a terrible thing.

Fred: You're like the MacGuyver of Wolfram and Hart!
Knox: You're not wrong! I can make practically anything out of... a... fully... equipped... multi-million dollar lab.

Angel: This is what you came back from the dead for? To play Let's Make an Evil Deal?

Lilah: Bye-bye Mister Sunshine. Hello gloomy avenger.

Lilah: That nifty little bauble comes with the file. Apparently it's crucial for some kind of "final battle." Guess they're in short supply up Sunnydale way. Bit gauche for my taste, but hey -- not a Slayer.
Angel: Buffy can handle herself.
Lilah: But isn't it more fun when you handle her?

Lilah: Can't imagine how the kid turned out postal.

Lorne: When this cruise ship sails, I'll be on the Lido deck. I mean, this place? Secrets of the universe! Like: Siegfried, evil. Roy, not so much.

Fred: Who's Connor?


sozza it took ages

ok cheers hun thats great, I'll copy them over as soon as I get a chance ok

Ok no probs