h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have large red blotches on the left side of my face. One on the temple, one on the cheek bone and one on the jaw. I also have one on the back of my neck.

You may wonder why, and I'd tell you it's because I have applied Zostrix. Zostrix is a cream which contains (among other things) capsaicin. Now they won't tell you this on the package, or indeed on the insert, but capsaicin is chili peppers (or rather it's the spicy part in chili perppars).

Again a why might be cropping up here, like why would you put chili peppers on your face? And the answer is becaue I hurt. No, let me rephrase that, I hurt like there is no tomorrow. Not all the time, no, no, but in the morning, during the afternoon and in the evening (and sometimes during the night) I get quite dramatic headache attacks that render me incapable of rational thought and make me think it's reasonable to put chili peppers on my face just on the off chance that it will stop hurting.

At other times I have taken long cold showers, which ultimately left me shivering but still hurting, and I have been crying, yelling and flailing my arms around as if there was an enemy I could beat up (this actually seemed to increase the pain so I will not suggest it to anyone.)

I did do something that you might consider logical, I went to the doctor. The doctor was very thoughtful and empathic and said I should see a neuroligist because it seemed like I have something called Trigeminal Neuralgia. Another doctor that I saw a few years beack thought that I might have TMJ, and prior to that tension headaches and migraines. So I have learned that even though it may have a name and a treatment, the treatment doesn't necessarily work. On me, that is. However Trigeminal Neuralgia sounds very impressive and it's non fatal (unless it's actually caused by a fatal disease) and it's symptons are remarkably like mine. So I guess I am hoping this diagnosis holds. As a bunos I learned that it is universally considered to be the most painful affliction known to medical practice. The flailing has been vindicated!

You see hurt is funny that way. People never seem to quite believe when you tell them how much. In fact I hardly believe it myself. I think my mother is much to blame here. She made me feel I was faking being ill when in fact I was ill. I still sometimes suspect I am faking and here I am with no one to fake out but myself.

I called the neurologist's office and I got an appointment on the 8th of September. A little more than a week from now, but do you know how much flailing one can do during 11 days? I called them back ready to beg for an earlier appointment but without even having to argue my case they put me on the cancellation list. They'll call my up if someone else cancels his or her appointment. The ease with which this was accomplished makes me suspect that everyone else is in fact on this list already and I'll be the last person they'll call.

This brings us right back to the chili perppers. You see I read somewhere that someone had gotten great results with Zostrix, meaning the hurt went away. I also read that it burns when you put it on, which sounds exciting and I figured I might as well try it.

According to the tube it's for treating arthritis and within brackets it says: for use in painful neuralgias, consult a physcician. I figure that I will consult a physcician soon enough and besides it might not be a neuralgia after all it could just be TMJ or migrain or tension headache. So whatever might happen if I don't consult a physcician is sure not to happen to me.

Well, now I have come the end of this little story I can tell you that my face has stopped burning. I am sure it's still red, but I don't have a mirror handy.

I am supposed to apply Zonstrix 3 - 4 times daily, and I sure will. I am not taking any chances. I will will this cream to work if I have to.