h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm interested to hear folks opinion and experiences of how we deal with death in Britain today.
And also if anyone is aware of any interesting stats on the who, what why, where when and how of death in the UK.

What ritual or rites do we perform do we still perform and what traditions have died out.
What does society expect of us when we have lost someone? Is there an etiquette or set of written rule or out and out taboos surrounding how we should behave...
What is a British funeral like today, e.g. what kind of music is played, do we go to a funeral to celebrate someone's life or to sobrely dispose of a body or both or something inbetween or something else entirely.

I'm not really interested in the whole medicalisation of death as such, but the related issue of are we living in debnial of death, does the clinicalisation of death mean that we are more afraid of it because it isn't part of our lives, so to speak.

I recently noted a local undertaker offering 'new age' burials - in a biodegradeable container, with a tree planted on top so that it can thrive on the nutrients provided by its 'host'.

Also, when a friend died recently , the service was performed by a humanist celebrant. That was new to me too.

Pattern-chaser

"Who cares, wins"

The tree idea certainly sounds appealing, but aren't pretty much all coffins bio-degradable with the exception of the odd nail? Especially when all the bile starts erupting all over them as the body decays.

The fear of death has always been with us. In days gone by they searched for the Philosopher's Stone or the Fountain of Youth, now it's all about antioxidants and eliminating free radicals.

The attitudes to death haven't changed, only the ways we think we can cheat it.

But, in many ways death isn't as much of a taboo as it used to be. At one time it was the great leveller where all men are rendered equal but now it's the subject of humour, music and TV shows.

maybe it is just the funerals and passings that I have experienced, but it seems to me that my parents generation had a much more sombre attitude to death.
That's seems to me the main change in attitudes, the celebration of the life of the person rather than mourning their death.

Most coffins are not biodegradable. In fact, neither are most remains. In most cases, even remains destined for creamtion are pumped full of preservatives.

Most funeral homes offer (and most people decide on) vaults guaranteed to remain water-tight for generations, metal coffins, rubber casket seals, etc. Unfortunaltey, the vast majority of people choose to have their loved ones remains more or less permanently protected against decay.

I have long made it known that I don't want all that stuff. I want to be creamated and my ashes put into little containres and when family members go on trips, even just for a day in the country, they can take one along and sprinkle me. That way I can travel after I am gone.... and not take up any space until the end of time (or until a developer decides to purchase the land, dig me up and turf me away, as has happened in recent years to various cemeteries.

To see just how far some will go:
http://www.artcaskets.com/
http://www.funeraldepot.com/
http://money.cnn.com/2004/08/17/news/fortune500/costco_caskets/?cnn=yes "Caskets, for less, at Costco: Supplier says warehouse retailer is testing six styles at two of its Chicago-area locations."

http://consumerlawpage.com/brochure/12.shtml
http://independentadvantage.com/html/MerchDisplays.html

http://www.novakrammziegler.com/caskets.htm

Do you mean most people in Canada? I doubt many people in the UK end up in vaults.

Most people in Canada and the US, certainly. But the trend seems to be catching on in Britain. On one hand, you have:

http://www.caskets.co.uk/

and on the other, you have:
http://www.peacefunerals.co.uk/mawdesley.html

I'm sure we've always had fancy coffins, but I don't think we have many vaults, at least not for us common folk.

Can't personally decide whether it is less 'green' to be cremated (we aren't supposed to burn stuff) or burried (we don't have any land for this). Maybe becoming fish food is the answer?

Isn't it quite difficult to get full on burried in the UK these days (lack of space)? Certainly I read somewhere we wouldn't have the option in the not so distant future. They'll make us all get cremated.

I think the Brits are more keen on closed casket funerals than the Americans for example. I don't remember any open casket funerals here, but I get the impression that's the norm over there?

I once had the opportunity, sadly, to go to a funeral in Russia (husband's grandmother) and a funeral in Britain (my grandmother) in the same week. Mostly it was exactly the sam, of course. Eaqually traumatic for all and eaqually a time for families to get together and bond in sympathy. The differences were that the British one had less of the hands on organising done by the family: you pay the undertakers and they take care of collecting, packaging and delivering the body when you say. The Russian one, well a lot more of the nitty gritty was handled by the family. I mean, undertakers were involved, but more of the details and logistics were sorted out by the family. The funeral was open casket, and the chruch bit was done in tandem with another funeral party in a side chapel and was less formal than the Anglican service. The coffin and the funeral party were then transfered all in the same ricetty bus to the cremation hall where lots of other cremations were taking place at at the same time, and you did the urn chosing on the spot. In the UK they try and keep you out of sight of other funeral parties. Again, the 'service' in the Russian one was less formal, and consisted of us all standing around the (open) coffin - which was made of something akin to bolsarwood by the way - and saying goodbye, than the UK one which was more coffin over there, everyone else overhere and never the twain shall meet. Formal goodbyes said by the service leader and all that.

Wakes were pretty similar although here the Russians went for a formal sit down meal.

The Russians had more traditions: even numbers of flowers only. Various business with certain cakes being blessed at the church and then eaten at the meal. Mirrors covered for three days after the death. Rememberance at specified intervals after the death. The funeral has to be on the tird day after death. Which probably accounts for the lack of formality. The customs I found most tramatic in our side was flowers (my Dad, when his Mum dies recent;y was actually rather taken aback to be sent sympathy flowers by his work, for example. I think he felt it was a bit much), how much black to wear, and who does the eulogy. My Mum, I think, was irritaed that they got the vicar of the chruch - who was new and didn't know her Mum that well, to do it and was therefore the prime mover in making sure my Dad's mum had someone suitable to do hers. Although that ended up being my Dad, which probably wasn't ideal from his point of view.

And then I see all these ads on TV now about basically paying for and organising your own funeral in advance so as to speare your relatives. Well, I know that Dad had an unconciable amount of paperwork to go through when Granny dies - this is definitely a difference from any Russian death, actually. Fewer computers to unplug people from there. But actually I'd say that's part of the healing process really: planning out a good old send off. I suppose it might be different if your relict were the only one left, but still...

Gosh, this is a bit long...

There is a very funny scene involving the disposal of "Mum's" ashes in a Robert Carlyle film, Riff-Raff.

It is a good movie, anyway, but that scene is hilarious.

I meant to say that I participated in the funeral preparations for the baby of our Kosovar family. Since they are Muslim, the rites are according to prescribed rules. The body is prepared and wrapped by members of the family and/or community. Women prepare the bodies of women and men the bodies of men.

There are "strict" rules dealing with all aspects of the preparations and conduct of the funeral. However, if you read them, you find that, while the rules are strict (You MUST do this), they are followed by a "However, if such and such is not available, you must do this" taking into considerations such as scarcity of water for washing the body in the prescribed manner or for the prescribed number of times or when no person of the correct sex is available to wash the body.

Members of the family's sponsors here in Canada came and assisted in the washing of the body and wrapping it. While the actual washing was done by two women from the mosque, Several of either asdsisted in the tearing of cloth for the wrapping, filling buckets with water, jumping in to hold back the chador of one of the washers when it started to slip..... and others simply observed.

In fact, rather than finding it upsetting, I found it very satisfying, in a way that "western" funerals just are not.

Most western funerals, everyone feels so helpless "What can I do" or "I feel so helpless" are things you hear people sho are going to a funeral say. However, we all felt needed and felt that we were doing something to assist the family.

As well, there was something so immense and awesom about being so close to death and seeing it close and personal.

For me, it was especially moving. I had assisted in the birth of my friend's first daughter and now I had assisted in the funeral of their second daughter. I saw one child into the world and another out.

As well as helping do some of the little things, such as the tearing of the cloths and helping with odd little things as they were needed, it was my job to take the towels and cloths and clothing home and wash them and return them to the mosque afterwards. When I brought them back, I found myself chatting with a number of the women who assumed I was Muslim. When they found I wasn't, they were pleased and surprised that I would have done this, and also that I had been able (and been willing) to participate in a ritual that most Westerners rarely experience.

It was, for me, a life-altering experience.

See, that's what I mean about taking away what little enough of the usefullness/ satisfaction/ healing work of organising stuff, and why they've got that all wrong in the ads/ service that's being offered. We spent the day before my Granny's funeral making sandwiches and salads for the wake and, actually, telling Granny stories which was really great. Much better than sitting around with nothing to do, like you say.

Rituals are very helpful things. Not a great believer in religion, but churches of whatever denomination do have their uses.

I meant to respond to the posting earlier about the funeral presided over by a Humanist minister.

Both Humanist and Unitarian/Universalist ministers or chaplains are usually available to conduct most "rite of passage" ceremonies, including child dedications*, weddings or "bonding" ceremonies, and funerals. There are many people who either do not feel comfortable with certain rites within their own religion, do not have a spiritual community or home, or cannot, because they married outside their religion (or want to be married outside their religion), have the ceremony conducted at a church or temple of their own faith and who want and need someone to officiate in these important rites.

I cannot tell you how many people I have met, either in my work, in social situations or in other ways who, when I say "I am Unitarian" say.... "Oh, we got married in the church on the Parkway" or "My sister/friend/co-worker had a Unitarian minister (or chaplain) marry them", often because they wanted to get married in the woods or at home or they wanted a spiritual event but without the slant of a particular religion. I have met a number of people who have either had or gone to memorial services at First Unitarian, here in Ottawa.

Their experiences appear to have been positive in every case....

* Child dedications are sort of like baptism but without the "God" in it, though some more Christian-oriented Unitarian/Universalist ministers or chaplains which had a God-centred dedication. Unlike baptism, they are to affirm a family's and/or religious community's acceptance and responsibility to a child. They can be done soon after birth or later when a child is adopted or for other occasions such as when two families come together in a second marriage.

Just a comment on 'green' coffins. I gather that some people have chosen a wicker basket type as being more ecological. Our local vicar is not keen on those as apparently graves containing them tend to get investigated by foxes.

We do have a woodland burial site in our area, which would be my choice of destination.

I think that we have become more distant from the physical aspects of death - less infant mortality, more people dying in hospital than at home. The idea of celebrating the person's life is good, but I wonder if by doing that, we're somehow discouraging grief?

My preference would be cremation and disposal of ashes at sea.

Was reading something the ohter day but can't find the link now; about freezing the body with liquid nitrogen, then smashing it, and burring it like that; which allows it to decompose an awful lot quicker apparently, and obviously doesn't cost the fortune that coffin burrial does last think I'd want when I'm dead is people paying out thousands on thousands of pouds for expensive coffins and expensive burrial; I'd prefer em to have a good p**s up with the money instead

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Here in AUstralia it's very cheap, and you can get it from pharmacies without a prescription.

An old doctor put me onto it years ago and he told us that you can give it to kids as young as 1 year old - which gives you an indication of how harmless it is. All this was confirmed by a nurse I know who said that they use it in hospitals because it is so safe.

The trick, the doctor said, is in how you take it - start with a double dose (about 40 mls - you CANNOT overdose on this stuff anyway) followed by a glass of water and then 20-30 mls EVERY 4 HOURS followed by water again.

WARNING: Other medicines taste like they'll kill a brown dog - this stuff tastes like it's made out of the brown dogs that other medicines kill but it works. (Our kids are so used to the taste that they (almost) like it.)