h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I read that someone is finding all those NaJoPoMos and their derivatives a bit irritating, so I've shortened it in the subject line. If you want to know more about it, then just ask.

OK, today's quiz is a bit UK-centric, but please don't let it stop you having a go - you may end up with a better answer than the intended one

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Day 4 - And It's Goodnight From Him.

I've listed ten 'news items' (i.e. bad jokes) from the old TV sketch show The Two Ronnies, but can you remember the punchlines?

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1. Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred "Chuckles" Jenkins, Britain’s oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred’s jokes, and the congregation...

2. We’ve just heard that a cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen...

3. We've just this moment heard that the two pandas at the London Zoo have begun to mate. ...

4. And we’ll be talking to a car designer who’s crossed Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with ...

5. After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he's looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, ...

6. On sale in Siberia today, were perfectly preserved frozen steaks of Siberian Mammoths from the last ice age. A spokesman said they’re cheap and nutritious, but ...

7. And we'll hear the band of the Royal Cross-Eyed Dragoons, who'll play 'The Dance of the Sugar Plum Sailor' followed by ...

8. There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before ...

9. The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister’s question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was ...

10. The perfect crime was committed last night, when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets. Police say ...

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I invite you to add your punchlines below - so beware of spoilers

Icy

Couple of guesses...

1) the congregation corpsed?

8) before any good was done?

9) difficult to tell which one was the lunatic?



Geggs

2. Look out for sixteen hardened criminals.

6. He'll use both eyes.

10. Police say they have nothing to go on.

2. Hardened criminals
7. What shall we do with the drunken fairy?
10. They've nothing to go on.

I can't remember them all but how close are these?
1, ...lynched him
2, ...concrete alibis
3, ...one with a kangaroo and the other, very carefully, with a porcupine
4, ...the hatchback of Notre Dame
5, ...he'll adjust the photofit and rename the suspect as a Dalek
6, ...they aren't kosher
7, ...What shall we do with the drunken fairy?
8, ...the petrol tanker arrived
9, ...shortlisting 327 suspects for interview
10, ...we think someone's been taking the p***

Missed yesterday's... Sugar.

And today's?

Lil's picked my solution to 2, and Geggs to 10, so I'm stumped.

Have to get my thinking hat on, then.

MMF

I'll post the correct answers tomorrow, but many of the ones posted so far are variations on them

9. ....Like looking for a needle in a haystack?

6......are a devil to fit in the freezer?

I've trying to think about an answer for 6), and I'm not sure I've got it yet.

A bit hairy, maybe. A bit long in the tooth (or tusk), possibly. Nah, still not quite there, I think.


Geggs

1. ......Were rolling in the aisles?

4. ....A five seater family hunchback?

2..... Bear with us, there will be a brief paws until the pandamonium subsides?

8. but it was put out before ...the inspectors thought of a way of taxing it.

9. said it was important to get the Prime Minister back to the House so that he could finish answering the questions.

Let me know if you'd like me to post the solutions (I can see some are still guessing)

I'd like the answers Icy!


Geggs

The solutions are:

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1. ... had two minutes silence.
2. ... hardened criminals.
3. ... The winner meets Gary Kasparov in the final.
4. ... the Hatchback of Notre Dame.
5. ... he's going to use both eyes.
6. ... take four thousand years to defrost.
7. ... 'What Shall We Do with the Drunken Fairy?'.
8. ... any serious good was done.
9. ... like looking for a needle in a haystack.
10. ... they have absolutely nothing to go on.

Well done all!

I had a sneaking suspicion that number 3 would be chess related, but I couldn't make it funny!


Geggs