h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Haven't been around here for a while. Just needed to unplug from my life and find myself. Had some good times. April 26, I now regard as the greatest day of my life. And then the roller coaster kicks in.

Yesterday was, without a doubt, the worst. The only good thing is that once you hit bottom, the only place you can go is up. I hit bottom last night.

Everything in my life piled up and the dam burst. Came close to flicking the switch.

But some friends were there, we talked, and now it's a new day and I'm on the way up.

Haven't been sleeping the last couple weeks.

Slept like a rock this morning.

It's good to be going up.

It's good to have friends.

Hi NC

Yup, friends are who get you through in the bad times Glad you've got some good ones

Tell us about April 26...


Fb

***You are gonna be soooo sorry for asking. But I like it. Good story. It's actually in Livejournal.com, but I have a thing for cutting and pasting, so here it comes. It actually started a couple days before. Went out over the weekend, with friends from Sequim (making them sequimmers) and then Monday it all changed.

Stage set, we open on a young man...***





You can read this if you want to, but it's really just stuff I've been thinking about. And a letter to someone I'll never know, but one day hope to become.



Still thinking over the events of the past 2 days. At one point we stopped in the Albertsons parking lot. Got up on the roof of the car and just listened to music for like, an hour. During that time, an elderly man drove up to Albertsons and apparently stole something. I can't judge. Anyway, he then drives past the car, sees Nat and ALY and myself crashed out on the roof, smiles and says, "oh, to be young again." Gave me lots of good thoughts. Good in the sense of powerful. Started writing some down, but then the Sequimmers started tearing down the trees in the parking lot and a cop showed up (that was a serendipitous moment. We loiter for an hour with NOTHING, then as soon as the property damage starts to go down, in comes the heat.) and ... he told us not to do that. And to leave.

Thinking back, I realize that I frequently find myself saying, "Oh, to be young again." And thinking further... I can't pin down when it started. I am almost 25 years old. When did I earn the right to start saying this? At what point did I make the shift from carefree youngster into a nostalgic dreamer? At , what, 10? Not a care in the world. 15, same thing. 18, got some freedoms, like the ability to be drafted... still. 21? eh.

I don't think it's an age related verity. Much thought led me to the time I watched a scared young man take his life. Physically, I was 20 at the time. Seeing him cross the ultimate boundary from that of self-preservation to self destruction; I think maybe this is when I made my own cross over. The first time that death actually manifested itself in my life. The first time death became a force for change, not just some abstract, poorly defined idea.

And then comes the idea that who is this guy to be saying that to me? We're in the same boat, pal! Sure, my life is only a third over, and he was probably on his last cut, but still....

and then ...pops the idea that that is what I've been doing wrong all my life. Saying "who is he to say that? I'm at the same place he is at." I have 2/3 of my life left, give or take an act of God, so who am I to be thinking that I can hold a candle to what this guy (or anyone) has seen or experienced. I need to stop saying that I wish I could go back. I can still wish it hadn't happened so early (relatively) but I can never go back. Which means I can only go forward...

To that man out there, thankyou. I still have so much more that I haven't written down; but in all likelyhood, you have changed my life as much if not more than did Grace in a pool of his own blood in the bathroom. The fact that I am pretty sure that old guy had just finished stealing something when he drove by us makes it even more special. I guess sometimes, you can trick yourself into going back for a little while, but in the end, you can only go forward.

From now on, I think I'll be going forward.



***With that entry closed, I went home, didn't go to bed, so monday, april 26, well, read on...***


Imagine you're out driving. If you've never driven, then at least you've been in a car. And if you haven't, then you've obviously been walking alot, so just pretend it's like walking really fast. You go past an orchard. Many many trees in all directions.

As you look into the orchard, nothing seems to make sense. All the trees seem to be planted haphazardly, just chaotically blending into one another.

But then suddenly your changing perspective grants something magical. Suddenly all the jumbled trees snap into perfect rows. They are evenly spaced, and there exists a plan and a purpose for them to be there. Then as you keep driving (or walking along the road in fast forward) the perspective shifts and once again, you are not looking down the neat, ordered, planned, beloved, cared for rows, but it all seems a jumble of confusion.

But no matter how mixed up it seems, you remember that one brief moment of clarity, and understand that no matter how tangled and unkept the orchard looks, it's just that you're looking at it wrong, and it still has an order and reason to it.

This, ladies and gentlemen. Is my life.

Over the weekend, I did much thinking and soul searching. And then Monday morning, April 26 2004, everything snapped into a perfectly devised plan. In all seriousness, I felt the hand of God in my life.

I haven't cried in a long time. There are times when I'll be laughing so hard that I'll shed a tear or two, and sometimes I'm out on the highway in my Indian costume and somebody will drop some trash out of their window (that always gets me....) but today for the first time in my life, I cried tears of Joy. I even took a picture.


I can't even begin to explain the way I now feel, but it is as if I have experienced the exact opposite of my life thus far. Instead of getting dumped on by everything out there, piling up until I can't take it anymore, I got dumped on by the love of life.

This all sounds like a bunch of hooey, I'm sure, but no one is forcing you to read. No one can force you to do anything. Just yourself. Do what you love.

My mom came over early this morning, before work. ...before HER work. I still don't have a real job. She gave me a book. It was called "The Meaning of Life" by Bradley Trevor Greive. I gave it a read, even though the guy is from Austrailia, and it changed me.

It just took everything that was mixed up with my life, and snapped it into focus, making me realize the reality of the situation, that my life has a purpose and a reason.

No matter how much my life has seemed in turmoil up to this point, and no matter how much more crazy it gets (I have the clarity of thought to realize THAT will never change...) I have now seen that there is a plan for it, and nothing will ever change that.

I thank God for working in this way. Inspiring my mom to do what she thought was just something nice, but taking that gesture and changing my life with it. Right now a passing moped could run me over and tear my arm off, and I would thank God that it all has something to do with his plan. I'd probably be a bit surprised and hurt, but the point is, For too long I've tried to climb out of the pit and take control of my life, but I now realize that this just gets in the way of God, who has been controlling it all this time.

The only downside to the pure elation I feel right now, is that experience tells me I will never feel this great again, and the rest of my life will just be spent looking back at this moment. It's a good thing that God used a random old man over the weekend to teach me that looking back is fine. But you can''t go back. You can only go forward.

I am going forward. I love everything, and realize that not everything loves me. But since it is all part of a greater plan, I just love the hard parts that much more.

Everyone should read that book. It is truely hilarious, and even if it doesn't snap your world into focus, it still offers a powerful catalyst for figuring out just what the deal is.

Al my life, I've been trying to cross chasms in two small leaps. I never even realized that I can soar like an eagle.

Praise God, I love everything. Including me.



***Thus ends the story of the greatest day of my life. Ahh. Wish I could have ridden that high for the rest of my life. Oh well. Go forward.***

I'm glad you're going forward...