h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ok, this is my 1000 words. It only took 10 minutes or so, so it's not up to my preferred standard. But it's not the story I was going to write anyway, so I thought I'd post it and write another one.

Anyway, here it is...
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Phil read back his opening paragraphs while the ink was still wet:

*** The hole in the hull was getting bigger by the second. Hank's attempt to plug it with empty Um Bongo cartons had failed miserably. Peter was stamping. And the whole thing was getting on Derek's tits.

Julia was ordering people about in her usual style, and was getting some dark looks from the cleaning staff. But she was silenced by an intelligent comment - 'Why don't we just leave the toilet cubical and shut the door?' Even with the air rushing past them and out into space, Mook Monster's question was clearly heard.

After locking the cubical door and hearing it seal, everyone showed visible signs of relief. Even the cleaning staff, to some degree.

His job done, Mook Monster saluted his fellow space pirates before shrinking and vanishing into the gap between two floor tiles. There followed a sound that can only be described as 'Bweeep!'

Crisis over, Julia composed herself and asked, calmly, 'Right, who broke the toilet this time?' ***

'Perfect', thought Phil.

He tipped back on his chair, balancing precariously on the hind legs, put his arms behind his head and said, 'Right, that's 162 words, I think I've earned my reward.'

'A whole 162, eh?' said Caroline, mockingly.

Phil jumped in surprise, sending the chair tipping over backwards in a slow, obvious manner.

'Timber!' shouted Caroline.

Phil and chair collided with the floorboards like the final death throws of a collapsing building. - A fine plume of dust shot out from under him and hung there, like a fog around his head.

'What the bloody hell are you doing here?' questioned Phil, from the floor. 'How did you get in?' he added, after a brief pause.

'Your door was open.' she replied.

'Bah, I keep forgetting to lock that.'

'No, it wasn't just unlocked, you had actually forgotten to close it. As for what the bloody hell I'm doing here - nothing, just watching an idiot write 162 words and fall over.'

Phil heaved himself from the floor and dusted down, he went to say something, but then thought better of it.

Caroline went on, 'And what, prey tell, is your reward for writing all of 162 words?'

'Well,' said Phil, 'it was going to be a w**k, but now you're here I'll have to settle for watching Richard and Judy instead.'

'How dare you talk about such vulgarities in front of a lady!' she said, with a wry smile.

'What's vulgar about Richard and Judy? And where's the lady? I only see a gobby bird.'

Caroline laughed. Phil was relieved that she did, he thought he may have crossed the line with his earlier comments.

She was sitting on the bed in his small flat, facing his desk and the window. The sun cut through the dust, casting a visible beam of golden light on her (Phil had to admit) beautiful face. He was glad she was here, but he wasn't about to let her know that.

'Anyway it's not Richard and Judy now,' she said, 'they left ages ago.'

'What!' screamed Phil. 'When did this happen? You can't have "This Morning" without Richard and Judy!' He slumped on the bed next to her. He hated how the little things like that changed when you were out of the country for a while.

'Actually, Phil, I think it happened well before you left.'

'Oh. So who does it now?'

'Fern and Phil.'

'Who?'

'Fern Britton and Phillip Schofield.'

'Bloody hell. The world's gone...' he trailed off. 'Well, that's that out the window, that's the second thing you've ruined today.'

'You weren't seriously gonna watch TV were you? The first time I see you in 7 months and you were just gonna watch TV?'

Phil groped for the witty retort that would allow him to dodge her accusation. All he managed was, 'Er, no.'

She didn't look convinced. He decided to change the subject, 'So, what have you been up to in my absence?'

'Nothing new, the same things I was doing before you ran away.'

'I didn't -' he stopped himself and let the comment pass. He was determined not to be drawn into an argument.

'Not... all the same things, surely?' he said, smirking. 'I'm good but I'm not that good.'

Oops. That didn't go down too well.

From Phil's point of view, Caroline was but a silhouette, but he knew that body language all too well. She stood up, causing the newly settled dust to swirl around her. It caught the light, giving her silhouette a furious glow at the edges. For a moment, she looked exactly how Phil imagined a vengeful God would look. She took in that special kind of deep breath that always precedes an extremely loud tirade.

Phil shrank away from her and cowered at the end of the bed. She slumped her shoulders and gave up before she had begun.

Phew! That seemed to diffuse the situation. She sat down again.

'Sorry,' he said.

She waved the apology away, 'It wasn't the comment in itself,' she sighed. 'Why didn't you tell me you were going away?'

Phil shrugged, 'It wasn't like I bought the tickets minutes before I left. I'd had them for that date for months.'

'Yes but you didn't tell me about them.'

'I didn't tell anyone.'

'Why?'

'I dunno. I just don't like a big fuss I s'pose.'

She shook her head, 'Not even a phone call from the airport?'

'No, I was going to wait until I got to my first destination. Y'know, so you couldn't do or say anything that made me change my mind.'

'And why didn't you call me there?'

'Believe it or not, there was no phone. The same with most of the other places I went, too. And none had a reliable postal service either.'

She nodded and smiled. This was as satisfied as she was ever going to be over the matter. At least she had some answers, and, he guessed, she half believed them.

She leant over and rested her head on him, 'You did send a message in a bottle though, right?'

'No - carrier pigeon.'

She laughed. And that was that.
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10 mins??????


I've printed it off and have my pencil ready - I never use red pen on Original Writing...stunts creativity. Think of me as your friendly Editor

Ha ha! Did you get the apple I sent you, Miss?

Yes, only took 10 mins because I merged a few scraps of old stories I had lying around in my documents folder.