h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Firstly i'd like to apologise to all those persons who find this popping up on their pages, it's just another tale of bad luck and woe i'm afraid.

I'll start with the good news. My Archaeological field trip/dig went amazingly well, not only was i not the oldest person there(by a big margin), but my knowledge of ancient drinking games made me something of a celebrity.I learnt my first law of Archaeology..............he who knows least moves most dirt, but apart from a few aching muscles, no complaintsUnfortunately the oldest thing i found was a pair of underpants i'd packed in my suitcase dating back to 1984

On my return Mrs.Airscotia (The wife from Fife) suggested that as i'd been away on a jolly for the week, and had another lined up in the Orkneys in September, it was only fair if we went away somewhere as a family for a non-Archaeological holiday."Somewhere hot, without anything Archaeological" was her brief. After much discussion we decided on Malta, a place we last visited 7 years ago.I'm now desperately trying to think of plausable excuses for when she finds out that Malta is THE most important place on earth for Archaeolgy, as the temples(which i've pre-booked to visit) are the earliest known to man . Honestly, any help will be gratefully recieved.

I know what you're all thinking, where is all the woe we were all promised in the intro............i'm coming to that.

Now as a lorry driver my right arm has a tan that most people would die for, not just brown, but bronzed and weatherbeaten in a most impressive way.Admittedly, the left arm does look a little ill in comparison, but i try to get the right hand profile in photo's and the like . The big problem is my legs.............oh dear If you can imagine two bits of white cotton hanging out the legs of a pair of shorts, you've pretty much got it.

In a moment of inspired madness, and in preparation for a holiday where i'd have to wear shorts, i decided to get a fake tan. "Spray on evenly, rub in, and wash hands thouroughly afterwards" said the instructions.

Well, i sprayed one leg, just to get an idea of what it would look like. After 10 minutes it looked pretty good, and i decided to do the other leg. After dousing leg 2 with vast amounts of fake tan i was about to start rubbing in, as instructed, when number 1 son came blustering in telling of a cycle accident involving number 2 son and a privet hedge.
Out i dash, and rescued said offspring from a hedge that had aspirations to be a triffid, and was roundly hailed as a hero by all and sundry

Unfortunately i'm now the proud owner of one brown leg, one piebald leg, and a pair of hands that are brown on the palms, but white on the back ............2 weeks this stuff lasts.........

Aww poor kid !

I suppose the important thing is that everyone is well and good ??

But the question I want to ask is: Is the brown leg on the same side as the brown arm? Because you could always walk with your left side against a wall ?

On another note, my legs have not seen the sun since the mid 90s, and God willing they will never have to !

excuse me a minute.............

















































Ahem... so sorry to hear of your son's accident and your.. er... little mishap in consequence.

It's what comes of all this "patchy sunshine" they keep forecasting.

UG

you have my sympathies Airy




I once did the fake tan bit................then the phone rang........I had yello hands an splotchy arms with yello elbows for about 3 weeks

Ahem! sorry about that 'snigger' It could only happen to you! I could'nt reply for ages, as the keyboard became a blur due to tears from laughing so much!

As you now have vast amounts of experience in the art of 'dirt' moving, you are now qualified to dig me out a new flower bed!

Glad to hear son 2 survived the experience, but how is the hedge?? Its a well know fact that all kids bikes are possessed. Child looks at hedge or other large object, thinking 'i'll not fall off in that' Bike picks up signals and deposits child into object! I had a similar experience with a rose bed when i was a child

Oh, Air It is supposed to be "Vanity, thy name is WOMAN" not "MAN"

I ended up with stripes the last time I tried fake tan. I've more or less resigned myself to being pale. You might try some lemon juice mixed with salt to exfoliate the splotchy leg. That should lessen the appearance of splotches - then you can reapply.

Oh dear, air . Pleased you had a good trip though and have a great time in Malta

You could always pretend you have some dreadful skin condition - and go for the sympathy vote

Ps - how much is it worth for none of us to inform the Wife from Fife of your ulterior motives in visiting Malta?

I would call a man with a trowel on his head Mortermer C. Ment. Or by his name if he told me!!!

Perhaps X. K. Vator would be even better.

Ohhh that's a good one, X.K.Vator

I can see me putting that down on my next essay

Just to clear up one earlier point though........ ........It's actually my left leg which is now a beautifull honey colour, while my right one looks.....erm.....dappled. This gives me the appearance(As pointed out by one of my offspring today) of a chessboard

The worst part though is the dark brown palms..............i just can't think of a plausible excuse

Are you sure that's how it happened Air? You didn't fall asleep under a tree on this dig of yours now, did you?

ever tried coal?